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Teens and Sex - What , When and Where?

Updated on October 12, 2012
IS1820 profile image

Married and father of three children. Masters degree in Zoology. Over twenty years of experience in sales and marketing. Writes and paints.

Sex and teenagers - a fact of life that all parents are aware of, but not many want to face.

Let us get down to basic facts of life. The hormonal changes that all teenagers go through, coupled with today’s much more open society and personal freedom have a great influence on teens.

As parents what should we do?

Many parents choose the easiest (or so they think) way out and just “play Ostrich” and bury their heads in the sand. “This is not an issue that concerns my family - We are of good stock, upbringing, high on the social ladder, believers” or whatever other nonsense parents often tell themselves.

Sex is part of life and has been forever. Ever since man realized it is pleasurable, sex has been part of life. This HUB is not about the history of sexual conducts throughout history or in any society, but of what, in my opinion we as parents should be aware of in general on the subject and the results of our subsequent actions. I would like to comment that this HUB refers to our modern societies and not ultra - religious closed societies, where by the way there are other problems that this HUB will not deal with.

Fact number 1 - If the teenager in our modern world wants to have sex it will. A parent cannot be with their children 24 hours a day.

Fact No 2 - Children are great liars when they want to.

Fact No. 3 - No one is perfect - especially not you the parent

Fact No 4 - SEX is interesting and pleasurable for all, no matter what the social standing of the family is.

Put the above facts in your minds, sit down and think.

At a teenager’s young age sex is also something that raises the curiosity level and putting bluntly is the forbidden fruit. The young teen is finding his or her body. The external and internal changes make them who they are - teenagers.

We as parents need to guide them through these times, trying to show them what is right and what is wrong.

Now we have just hit a mine field - what and who defines right and wrong. In earlier HUBS I stated that it is our choice how we behave. This is true, but we also live in a society which has norms, and children growing up, are our responsibility within the society we live in. Granted their freedom of choice is not exactly their own, and is within the norms of society and the norms of our home and therefore within well defined boundaries. Even as grown ups we live within boundaries, including on the issue of sex. Yet, within these boundaries there is a large grey zone with time and opportunities.

Back to our issue - SEX - What, When and Where?

The modern world is a world filled with tons of information, some very graphically available, from movies, news on television through to porn that is on the net. Even innocent movies and television series show people kissing, enjoying, and getting into bed. It is not always necessary to have very graphic visuals or displayed nudity in order to convey the pleasure involved when two people embrace.

Having said all the above, what are we as parents supposed to do?

We first of all need to ask ourselves some questions in order to try and realize how and what we, as parents, should do to help our children evolve as responsible young adults.

1. The Internet: Is blocking out all or any of sites on the net going to help?

2. Should I be very strict? Don’t allow this and don’t allow that - just don’t allow to do anything. The need to set boundaries is needed (see HUB - Borders and Boundaries

) but if we go to extremes, in most instances the opposite will probably happen. I am not referring or implying allowing sexual behavior but rather the meeting and going about with the opposite sex.

3. Should I let the kids do as they please? Opposite of the above and some parents actually allow this.

4. Should I speak to them about the boy, or girl, who has come to visit? Remember, up to now most girls were with girls and boys with boys. Now something new is happening.

5. Should speak to my child about sex? When should I? What should I say? What about responsibility?

There are no simple answers to the above questions, although many who read this will probably think that they have all the answers. Remember fact 2 - Children, any child, can be great liars when the situation arises. It is up to us, as parents, not to find ourselves in a situation where the child lies.

Let us attempt to delve into this and answer the questions.

1. Blocking information totally, in most instances is futile. The net is everywhere and when something is forbidden it is more interesting. (Please remember, we are talking of teens and not smaller children). Therefore will parental control be of any help in blocking sites on the net? Granted it is possible to do this at home, but the child is not always jailed at home and the net is available on most cellular phones. There are plenty of places they can go to and see whatever they want. What should we do?

This is a complex issue - Block and the kid will certainly go find the sites elsewhere, not block and the kid will be exposed to quite a lot of quite not healthy information at an age where their inner selves are evolving.

I cannot give a clear cut answer to this -it is of my opinion that a one - sided drastic move may boomerang. Yet doing nothing is also not quite the solution, especially if the child is surfing the net a lot. I think that using internet parental control will also be influenced by the children’s ages. With younger children it is more logical than with older ones.

In today’s modern more open world we should talk to the kids and convey to them our views of what they at their age should or should not do or see, and what it will mean if they do something that the time is not right for them .

The answer is probably in between. A growing child should have interests, hobbies, sport and homework. He or she should be busy and not just surfing the net. It is easy to say this when typing into a document. But think a bit about it - a busy kid is less prone to be sucked up by internet porn.

I did not really help with the blocking - but can say that a busy kid gets into less trouble in any situation, sex as well. Discussing with an open mind is also something that should be considered. See as well Hub - Freedom of Choice -

2. Be Strict - Ok so you are very strict, the kids have no boundaries which define what is allowed or not. Nothing is allowed. This probably will inevitably lead to rebellion and emotional stress that will probably erupt somewhere either through the teens period or after them. Setting boundaries is important. Make them logical.

We are talking of Sex - When, Where and How. Here again we need to be careful and clever. It’s our job as parents. Not let our daughters go out in the evening - well -great - what do you think may happen during the day when you are not there? Therefore, set boundaries - return at a certain time, certain places are forbidden, know who and where they are at all times.

Show them that you care.

What about boundaries in sexual behavior? Probably the only way in today’s modern world for setting boundaries is by communicating with your children in a calm and guiding manner. This is important - to succeed after setting ground rules for behavior you can control, the parents follows up with other actions such as talking and educating on the subject of sex will succeed.

Do not exaggerate with no’s and more no’s- have logical boundaries. Think back to your school days - who was more promiscuous than others? In many cases those upon whom the most restrictions were placed.


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    • IS1820 profile imageAUTHOR

      Ian Susman 

      5 years ago

      Hi Angela and thanks for the insight and so true comment . As I said in another HUB no two people are alike and parents should always remember that. Thanks again

    • Angela Blair profile image

      Angela Blair 

      5 years ago from Central Texas

      An old man told me years ago "parents or anyone else can make a kid lie to you" and I've never forgotten that. Bearing down on kids about sex can create a lot of problems -- but of course the opposite is also true. I found letting a young person be a part of "establishing the rules" to be extremely helpful -- I am aware, however, that all kids have different mind sets and attitudes. In today's permissive society kids are bombarded with sexual images constantly -- excellent Hub, good treatment of the subject and informed writing. Best/Sis

    • IS1820 profile imageAUTHOR

      Ian Susman 

      5 years ago

      Thanks Teach. It's a pity that some parents think they can either just ignore the subjct while others think that by being "strict" they will control anything.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 

      5 years ago

      Good advice to parents on what they can expect these days from their teen regarding the issue of sex. I agree that parents should discuss the subject, set boundaries and keep loving them through this time period. You cannot tether them to the home to protect them from it, but loving guidance will help them to make better choices.

    • IS1820 profile imageAUTHOR

      Ian Susman 

      5 years ago

      This teenage phase and them not wnating to talk to us on some matters can drive one crazy. Invariably if your education is right he will make the correct choices

    • abbykorinnelee profile image

      Abigayle Malchow 

      5 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

      My son comes to me about everything else. It ambarasses him to talk about it with me. I am already exhausted with this teen phase and dealing with things I didn't think I would for awhile so hopefully he will make smart choices because I don't want to be a grandmother before I am 35

    • IS1820 profile imageAUTHOR

      Ian Susman 

      5 years ago

      Hi Abby and thanks for your comment. You are right and communication and building trust with your kids is the best way to go. Kids will lie and do. Kids also do not always come to us to tell us everything. They behave differently at home than when they are out wherever. The important thing is getting them to understand and know what anything, including sex , means. Thanks again and my daughters didn't come to me but went , if they did, to their Mom. Our son went to both.

    • abbykorinnelee profile image

      Abigayle Malchow 

      5 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

      I am so glad that your number 1 was that no matter how much we tell them about it and what we tell them we wish they would do, they are going to do it if they want to do it. Someone recently told me that I wasn't pushing not until you are married with my 13 year old son. I said I told him everything. They said I needed to make it more like a demand and that they WILL wait and stress it and I said that they would do what they wanted no matter what i said I could only give him the information and open the door for communication. I did it when I wanted to, so we he its just a fact of life.

      Kids lie all the time about all sorts of stuff. I am lucky that for the most part I have been told the truth with him but he is a 13 year old boy that probably will be too ambarassed to tell me the truth, he blushes if I even suggest he like a girl he is hanging out with. Some things he probably just won't talk to me about and thus not tell me the truth if I ask. I wouldn't have gone to my father about it and he probably will feel weird going to me.

    • IS1820 profile imageAUTHOR

      Ian Susman 

      5 years ago

      Thanks Shining. This is a topic that a lot of parents avoid and shouldn't. If a parent is open minded an guides the children the outcome in most cases will be positive.

      Thanks again for the comment and compliments

    • shiningirisheyes profile image

      Shining Irish Eyes 

      5 years ago from Upstate, New York

      Excellent hub which I will be immediately sharing.

      Although legal guardians and parents can and do take the necessary precautions when it comes to their teenagers and sex, a positive line of open communication is most important.

      Today's teen have such an endless bombardment of sexuality. It is almost impossible to avoid it.


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