Depression and Being Stuck in Your Own Head
My Working Brain on a Given Day
In my brain I know that these thoughts are not reality. I have tried to work my whole life to find my happiness. It has been 13 years since I had my first child. Having her changed me some ways. I grew up depressed and anxious. This was something stronger. Nothing made me happy, i lost control over my thoughts and feelings. I had never felt more alone. I had no Idea what was going on or how to deal with it. I felt like I resented this helpless crying baby, whom I love more than anything. How was this even possible. My husband at the time, worked nights. He was not the most helpful or understanding person in my life. After my daughter was born it was like he never wanted to be home and when he was.... He was sleeping or complaining that she was crying. I felt useless.
He expected me to do more than I could at that time and refused to help me. This seemed to make me even more depressed and down. I never got help.
22 months later my second was born.she seemed to be the apple of his eye. He was more there for her, more present. This made me angry. I wanted to be anywhere but home. Having 2 kids under the age of 2 in diapers, suffering from depression and feeling like I was a slave to everyone but myself.
I never understood the feelings that I had until years passed. I had depression over depression. Things were getting worse with my husband. we were not only growing apart and we were fighting and pretending. This made for my anxiety. In this time I had lost my mother in law, my grandmother on my moms side and my grandfather on my dads side, all with in a 6 month time frame.
My mother in law and I were close. We had a love hate relationship that was maddening to me. She would talk about me behind my back, insult me to my face and to anyone who would listen I was a lazy person. But she knew I was always there for her. I would take her to dialysis and her cancer doctor appointments. I would take her shopping, help her cook when she let me. as much as we bickered, we loved each other. So when she passed that was the beginning of the end for me and my husband as she was what was keeping us together. As sad as that sounds.
I finally broke free from my husband, this past summer. We sold the house and I moved 2 hours away as to keep a buffer. I sank into another massive depression. I didn't leave my room, the thought of leaving my house made things even worse for my anxiety.
I started talking to a person I met in a chat room, he is a positive person. he started to show me how to look at life in a better way. It was like a switch went off in my head. I was happier and willing to try things I would not have before. I had walls up that I never thought would come down, but they started to slowly.
One day as we were talking, he asked me when we were going to meet. Me being the type of person I am, thought he was joking. Meet... haha... Then I thought about it. I waited a while and he asked me again. I told him a date. That seemed to take him by surprise. But he agreed and we set out to meet.
When we met in person, I was taken by him already, this meeting was so much more than just two friends, it was more and we both knew it. We spent 36 hours together. Leaving each other after that was difficult. When we got back to our respective countries and homes, we talked more, we spent more time on Skype. Even falling asleep with the computers open.
The kids were coming up on a 2 week time off school. I asked him if he would like to see me for a week, spend one week together. He said yes. I booked my flight and things started to fall into place.
I noticed something about myself after I met him. I was smiling, I was happy. I was not sure what to do with this. How to react. I still don't.
We spent a week together and this seemed to make things even more evident to me that I was having feelings I never had before for anyone. I am still not sure what to do. I never wanted something to work more in my life.
I am random... I have random thoughts. This blog may be more interesting for me than I think.... lets see how things go. Lets see what randomness can come to me through this process.....
Be safe be kind and be happy