Feeling of Being Unsupported : NOT Another Teen Story
Without light on end
Male, 22 years old. From September in 2010, on Methadone Maintenance Therapy. I am not a teen, but my hub seems (at least by me) deeply related to "teenage years".
My name is Boris, if You read some of my previous hubs, You know that I'm battling opiate addiction.
I have family, living with them (not something rare in Serbia, due high percentage of unemployed ). Family has 5 + 1 member. Mother, father, sister, step-brother and his girlfriend and me. Even tho I'm looking on Ivan as on my real brother, from same dad - he isn't. He actually, several times, said that hes not feeling me as a brother and that he is ashamed of me. His girlfriend, living with us for all six years, worked just for an year and a half - and never have a single dinar "on table" - personally I think, that is a shame.
I've started battling my heroin addiction, as well as other opioid addiction, with my early 18. I've started using with my 14/15th year.
I've sat at the table, early in the morning I recall, with my mom and dad. I was shacking and I was totally sick from withdrawal symptoms. They, back then, didn't knew that I was using heroin. They were aware that I smoke weed sometimes, and I've got beaten so much sometimes, that once - aluminum stick from vacuum-cleaner broke my ribs, as my dad was beating a hell of me. They would also unplug my speakers when I was listening the music I liked - rap, and even they deleted songs of some artists - by formatting whole hard-disk partition.
Nevertheless, I was in real problem - and from start, my parents were having a very (my personal thinking, I would appreciate Yours) , very bad approach to the problem.
At first, when I've told them about my addiction, my mom was in shock - but my dad was unusually calm, saying : "I knew it... From the day You started to hang-out with those idiots, and listen to that idiotic American music." - He has an specific thinking that everything bad, drugs - for instance - come from American "modern-culture" ( If You know what I mean...)
Honestly, back then, I didn't want to stop using heroin... It was just an thought in me, that I shouldn't do that! I was in confrontation with my mind, spirit, and thoughts. I haven't saw a light at the end of tunnel (problem).
No Support At Crucial Moments - Leads to Suicide?
THINGS I HAVE DONE IN 2 YEARS:
While being on Methadone, as an "Gold Standard" in curing (actually maintaining the person absent from street, illicit drugs, and ring of people that are doing harm to him, and his mental health - generally) I have done some projects in field of non-profit and charity like :
- Creating and planing help project for opiate/heroin addicts
- Launching project "MetadonPlus" - with goals such as helping opiate addicts and supporting them. Also, including them into everyday activities and motivating them to find job - be social. The thing that is also, fundamental, to having an unregistered e-community is to work on DE-stigmatizing social circles-on national level.
- Creating and spreading project to forum.
- Implementing forum to MetadonPlus project.
- Uploading, connecting FORUM of MethadonPlus which is unique by it's rule everyone is same, and every discussion has to be proof grounded.
- Making an HUGE project of uniting addicts, of all kinds, to one organization.
- Planing and creating big project of regional/city, first of that kind, "DropIn Center"
- Making 3D simulation of DropIn Center, with all of it's details(activities, administration, etc...)
- Launching "SUZA" project, Serbian Association of Addicts (Srpsko Udruzenje Zavisnika, on Serbian - shorten "SUZA" , which means "TEAR" )
- Creating and developing website of SUZA, and doing more on it.
- Writing detailed and referenced project of implementing new medication to OST in Serbia.
- Project " S.R.O.M usage in Opioid Substitution Treatment" - FINISHED, and published.
Being curios saved me
Battling from my 18th year , described in some previous hubs, I wasn't ready from start to quit feeling the opiate feeling. I've started researching opiate addiction, as well as writing some major projects for increasing quality of treatments in Serbia. Non of these was sponsored, or media-covered.
I would lie if would tell to You all, if I wouldn't know that O.S.T Opiate Substitution Treatment wasn't the right treatment for me. Maybe unconscious, I was targeting the M.M.T Methadone Maintenance Treatment from start, maybe not, but I was 100% sure that antagonistic approach won't help me. Once again, I got no support for mine opinion. I was "the sick one" - but until day today's I got no right of vote when it comes to dosing my medications.
What makes human-human is "curiosity". My personal thinking.
With my IQ, intelligence, and with my prior knowledge - I was about to spread my knowledge about, what am I doing to myself. This is very interesting fact - I was starting to research "heroin addiction", "effects of heroin addiction" , "best way to treat it" , and "medications used to treat opiate addiction".
If I would say to You that my drug-dealer, back then told to me, when I first tried heroin - and that that is the way of mine first usage: "I have only HORSE, I don't any of X. "
That was the trigger, of my heroin addiction - and since then "horse" gave me the euphoric feeling that drugs I've used, until then, gave me (amphetamine, 3,4-metylendioxymethamphetamine / X ).
Knock-Knock! Anyone ?
Is there anyone, on this planet, to hear me and my voice ? I am so depressed of doing so many projects, creating websites, forums, and similar stuff to support addicts, which is very exhausting job and huge responsibility, and I haven't got ANY support from individuals that CAN help actually nor from Government of Serbia.
One man, one individual, has done so much - as You can see on right side, that team of experts haven't done in their whole career.
I was looking for support at many sides. I've contacted Ministry of Health, "Hemofarm" (the biggest regional pharmaceutical company) , many companies, and guess what - NOTHING.
What shall I do more, to gain some attention to my projects? Should I protest with hunger an taking no therapy in center of city, which will give people of picture how an ex-addict on his therapy, turns into ... bizarre creature, that cannot be called human when withdrawal of methadone after 2 years hit + hunger...
I was thinking of going on strike with hunger, at first, than taking NO therapy until some of institutions that are responsible for "hearing" these kind of projects, and realizing them - read them and start to implement them!
But, where am I ? Do I really think that Serbian Ministry of Health, or anybody from Government, that has power to change something - will move his butt to do something? I don't think so.
So the MAIN QUESTION REMAINS:
Is it worth ? Do I need to continue my work with help and support for addicts, because country is doing literally NOTHING on field of mental care. Is it worth, when my own family is calling me "druggie", "ruined-man", "wasted-cash" , "main factor of problems" , "a leech" , when my own mom tells me: "I can't wait the day when I will see Your back!" and "Until you are under my roof, I will be the one that will do the dosing of your medicines!" - She gives me about 20% less of methadone than prescribed, she is giving me 1/3 of tablets (benzo's) prescribed, and anti-psychotics...
And what is she doing with that? - She takes diazepam, lorazepam, clonazepam from me from time to time, and every single night she drinks vodka or vine, or vodka AND vine together! If there is some vodka left from other night, she will drink that first, than split with my dad 2L of red vine.
I wonder, what to do ? I would escape from here, even being on street - but, my name is reputable and I have a girlfriend that is also cute and nice and everything, and I'm afraid to do that to her. I don't want to give her an boyfriend from street.
I wonder, is there any chance for me to live normal life? My real life, normal, just decent life, would start with moving from this house. But, I don't have where to go. That is the problem.
I have no job - even tho I am highly educated with international certification - "Certificated System Network Administrator", with "English for Business : Upper Intermediate" diploma.
So, is there a chance for me to live a life ? Is there a light on the end of the tunnel ? - I DON'T SEE IT!
So, if I don't live a life that I would want to : decent, without hummiliating from family, getting finally support from my closest, getting the right therapy prescribed by TEAM of doctors, not calling me various kinds of names.... If I want that - WHAT DO I NEED TO DO ?
- To be honest, to whole world, I have more and more suicide thoughts.
Anyway - who read this, please comment something. Every letter means something.