ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

12 signs you're going to a restaurant you can't afford to be going to

Updated on March 15, 2013

We've all done it. You want to impress your new girlfriend. It's date night with the wife. It's someone's birthday. Someone's new job. Someone's death.

We go to a restaurant that we damn well know we should not be going to. Not only is it going to hurt the Mastercard, but we'd be happier (and more satisfied) going to a Ruby Tuesday or a Panera Bread. Even a Waffle House would do the trick.

Let's see what separates a Denny's from an historic stone structure held up with wooden beams, attended by waiters in tux shirts and decorated with LED candles flickering in a Pier 1 bowl on antique tables.

1. The sign is wooden.

Hey someone’s gotta pay for the fancy shmancy, special order, imported, hand carved, intricate wooden sign. And that someone is you. It not only tells you the name of the place, it tells you that your bank account is about to take a hit.

Beware. They try to fool you by putting words like "grill" or "bar" in the name. This is to make you think it's not pricey, that it's just a neat hangout to consume the food you love from a bbq grill or a bar. They lie.

If that doesn't work, they'll use images of sports or vacation destinations or adventurous things to do to get you in there. Don't fall for it.

2. If "Old" is part of the name of the place and it's spelled "Olde"

That extra “e” says it all. Pay up chief.

3. The lighting is low.

Or the fixtures are funky-looking and/or modernish-looking.

Or, God forbid, both. If you see a funky-looking dim light, it's guaranteed that a house salad is going to cost you one of your offspring. Bring the one you like the least.

4. The linen napkins are folded in a fancy way.

Cloth napkins don’t necessarily indicate that it’s gonna be pricey. But if you see the napkin fanned or folded into an animal shape or a geometric shape, that’s when you say “Uh oh.” Thank goodness today was payday.

5. The water glasses are shaped like goblets.

Water tastes fancier when drunk from a glass that doesn't know if it's a regular glass or a wine glass.

6. There's more than one fork.

Remember - eat from the outside in.

Also remember to bring a backup credit card. You might need two.

7. It's a one page menu.

Single-sided or double-sided, it means the same thing: "Aw crap."

8. It's in cursive writing.

Or some other flowery style. Or a modern style. Or Old English.

Basically if its any other font besides Arial, dust off the checkbook.

9. There's no cents in the price.

It's a whole number. Not $18.95 or $6.99. It's $19 or $7.

Rounded up prices = your car title.

10. The food descriptions include words like "lightly" and phrases like "served with", "on a bed of" or "with a hint of."

Adverbs and prepositions are not your friends.

This one even has sub-titles.
This one even has sub-titles.

11. The bathroom smells good.

Yup. Even the men's room. No gas station bathroom here.

Of course you just paid $16 for a clam appetizer so the bathroom better smell like a garden of clean laundry.

12. The desserts are nothing you want.

They're never just chocolate ice cream or a cookie or a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Oreo Cookie Dough Blizzard with whipped cream and sprinkles.

It's always:

a trifle
a trifle
or a meringue
or a meringue
or a tart
or a tart
or a crumble.
or a crumble.

So what to do

At some point in our eating lives, all of us get stuck going to a way-too-expensive restaurant. So we might as well enjoy it while we're there. Enjoy the mood-lighting. Savor the filet mignon. Luxuriate in the gentle scent of the restroom. Relish the strawberry tart.

There'll be plenty of time later to weep over the bounced checks and overdraft fees because of it.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)