5 Breakfast Cereals You've Totally Forgotten Existed
In the beginning....
In the beginning, God created Corn Flakes. And lo did the almighty say "Go, go unto the Earth and multiply and spread your corn goodness to all corners of the world...just don't get too weird now ok? I'm going to watch hockey."
And the Earth was filled with all manner of cereal. Frosted Flakes, Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cap'n Crunch, Lucky Charms, Fruity Pebbles, and all manner of corn,oat,rice, and...uh...marshmallow edible nutrition appear in bowls all over the Earth.
But for every Life or Honeycomb, there were dozens of cereals that lasted only a short time, destined to be forgotten....UNTIL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The forgotten 5
There are 5 forgotten breakfast cereals that are now the stuff of myths and legend. Here now, I shall reveal them in all their glory! Please make sure to comment at the end of the article if you remember and/or tasted any of these lost gems!
King freaking Vitaman
Ok, so the actual name is "King Vitaman", I just always added the "freaking" for some odd reason. King Vitaman was a corn/oat cereal that, believe it or not, was lower in sugar than most of its contemporaries like Lucky Charms. The King Vitaman "mascot" was played by the late, great, George Mann, who sadly passed away in 1977.
What I remember most about King Vitaman was how it tore apart the roof of your mouth, much worse than Cap'n Crunch. Your mouth literally would look like someone shot you point blank with a 12 gauge, the blood was THAT bad!
I want to believe they named this cereal because the person in charge of Quaker's naming of cereals had a lisp and wanted to actually name it CRISP. But, I doubt it.
Quisp is again from our friends at Quaker Oats, being introduced way way back in 1955. Quisp was originally marketed with a sister product called "Quake" but since even I don't remember it, I will not include it in this article.
Quisp was made from a sort of corn meal past and syrup, molded to look like little flying saucers.
Great news! Quisp is still sold ONLINE! So you still have a chance to enjoy its fantastic diabeetus greatness!!!
Pink Panther Flakes
Based on a racy adult themed spy caper, comes a cereal for children! From the fine folks at Post, behold PINK PANTHER FLAKES!
Ok, now I KNOW the actual "Pink Panther" was the name of the diamond in the film "The Pink Panther" given to Princess Dala in the film, so don't bother trying to impress me with your movie trivia skills.
Pink Panther Flakes were basically bubblegum pink corn flakes with a sugar coating. What made the cereal so cool was as the sugar coating ran off, the milk in your bowl turned bright pink.
It's like eating a bowl of Pepto Bismol Cereal!!!!!
Powdered Donutz Cereal
Right we all love powered donuts right? Unless you are some sort of anti-American communist!
But honestly...as much as I love powered donuts as "donuts", the idea of them as breakfast cereal is just...ugh.
Nevertheless, throwing caution and diabeetus to the wind, General Mills rushed headlong into Type-2 heaven with Powdered Donutz Cereal.
Basically, they were fatter Cheerios with powered coating on them. Unfortunately, the powdered coating sort of dissolved in milk, making the cereal taste exactly like Cheerios. So why bother right?
Well people didn't bother and it was discontinued in 1989.
Or as I refer to them, MOTHERF**KING FREAKIES ESE!!!!
Yes Freakies, quite possibly the greatest forgotten breakfast cereal of all time. Deformed Lovecraftian monsters of nightmares, created in a dark room full of candles and stuffed goat heads by robed figures working for Ralston, Freakies was unlike anything seen before or since.
The Freakies were seven old Gods from the Dark Realm of N'shv'or'gordshyz (not really but it sounds cool).
Where Is Your God Now?!?!?!?!
How scary are the Freakies?
Directed by David Lynch from a script by H.P. Lovecraft
Get your Freakies on!
Now the amazing thing is, they tasted GREAT! Not overpowering with the sugar, safe for the roof of your mouth, and stayed crunchy in milk that it did NOT color green or bright yellow. Apparently empty boxes of it from the 1970's fetch a mighty sum on eBay and you can buy unopened boxes from private collectors.
There you go, the forgotten 5. I hope this little trip down memory lane brought back some nostalgia. As always, follow and comment. Thanks for reading!!!