CHEW SMALL AMOUNTS OF FOOD THROUGHLY, OR DIE!

CHEW SMALL AMOUNTS OF FOOD THROUGHLY, OR DIE!

Butch and Pat Mertz, close friends of my wife and I, invited us to a popular diner late at night for a good meal. Just after our plates were delivered, Pat, sitting next to me, began to take off her sweater as it was a bit warm. I had already glommed in a mouthful of hot roast beef and gravy over a couple slices of bread when I just had to make a smart-ass remark about her well- endowed boobs and timing was of course critical.

Well, I swallowed what I had in my mouth without chewing it much and it went down to about collar bone level and cemented up my wind pipe tighter than a crabs ass.

I couldn’t talk or breath, and had zero chance of moving the food back up or down. All I could do was salivate, and silently promise my maker I would never look at another boob again while I desperately tried to convince someone I wasn’t joking and was about to die in 2 or 3 minutes. I eventually stood up and frantically pointed to the troubled area and fortunately, my wife got my message and did the Heimlich Maneuver on me which I had just taught her the previous week mostly because of our kids. It worked perfectly the first time.

Then etiquette presented another immediate and embarrassing conundrum. What the hell do you do with the half eaten, regurgitated, gob of food that landed on the table? I picked it up without thinking, put it on my plate, cut it in half and proceeded to eat it again. That earned me a well-deserved “Eeeeeyouuuu” on top of everything else. I think my retort was something infinitely intelligent like “waste not, want not!”

Butchie, a volunteer fireman and Pat’s husband, said “See! That’s what you get for looking at my wife’s tits!” He hadn’t heard of the Heimlich Maneuver as yet and he was about to put me over a chair a kick me in the ass so he said. I’ll tell you flat out, alone, I would have surely died and in a matter of a few minutes yet. Wow! That was a scary experience; I was completely helpless and back then, all I knew was to slap someone on their back that was choking. I suppose one could fall on their belly or something like that, that would simulate the Heimlich Maneuver to a degree but who knows if it would work or not. Besides, you’ve only got a couple minutes before you pass out I would guess. Take your time eating small amounts at a time and chew the food thoroughly or one day, any of you could be in the same potentially deadly situation I was.

Always keep this in mind: You could be shot two or three times right square in the gut and live for quite a while or even survive if your lucky. If you choke on something like I did and don't get immediate help, there's a 100% chance you will be dead in 5 minutes or so.

Lots of laughs but lots of lessons as well. To this day I always make sure I’ve chewed my food properly before I remark on a good looking chicks hooters. Well that’s something isn’t it? Can’t expect me to keep a promise made under such duress can you?

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