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Cooking Recipes You Can Make In Jail!

Updated on December 10, 2012
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Cooking on the fly.

No matter where you are - you can learn to cook with the resources available to you. Even if you are in jail, there are ways to make foods that will delight the palate of anyone who has been incarcerated for several years. If you are a bad cook - even this could be a step UP for you!

Martha Stewart made a delicious "Jailhouse Jelly" from crab apples while passing time.

Inmates have found fascinating and clever ways to create culinary meals with crumbs and whatever they can scratch up from the commissary.

Several of the housewives have been embroiled in questionable behavior. Many of them are facing legal challenges and might need to know how to cook a more "simple" meal.

Thought Sandwiches is learning to cook and plans to be moving onto a boat in the very near future. With few resources available to cook with on a boat - he requested a few meals he could cook in a cinch. The following recipes are adapted by using the items available on a prison commissary list. You won't need measuring cups or a stove or any complicated instruments. Relax, you've got this in the bag!

Carruthless Cappuchino

Coffee for the ruthless.
Coffee for the ruthless. | Source

Carruthless Cappuchino

Each morning, prisoners everwhere, embrace the new day with their favorite hot drink. This sweet cappuchino drink will add a spring to any inmate's step.

  • Carton of Milk
  • Instant Coffee
  • Hot Tap Water
  • Syrup

Place the unopened carton of milk under hot running water. When the milk gets as hot as possible open the carton and add instant coffee. If you have some syrup left over from breakfast you can add some rich maple flavor!

Remember the early jail bird gets the worm....be the first inmate to the yard!

Bernie Madoff

MaNoodle, MaNoodle, shoulda used my noodle.
MaNoodle, MaNoodle, shoulda used my noodle. | Source

Madoff MaNoodle

Bernie Madoff did make off with a lot of money but he was eventually caught and sent to the slammer. This is a little sample of the type of hors d'oeurves that Mr. Madoff enjoys presently.

  • 1 Can of Chili
  • 1 Package of Ramen Noodles
  • 1 Small Bag of Corn Chips
  • Squeeze Cheese

All you have to do is layer these ingredients and don't forget to crunch the chips up for an extra toothsome texture. Grab your favorite squeeze and enjoy some hearty MaNoodle!

For the health conscious.

A different flavor every day!
A different flavor every day! | Source

Soup Du Jail

Paris Hilton didn't want to lose her shape while behind bars so she resorted to a skinny girl diet of soup.

  • hot water
  • any flavor of Ramen Noodle spice packet

Heat water and add your favorite spice packet for flavorful and low cal soup.

Simpson Spork Spread

Relax and enjoy the party! You can eat it with a spork!
Relax and enjoy the party! You can eat it with a spork! | Source

Party Dip!

Click thumbnail to view full-size
You can eat with a spork!Dip's a cinch in the slammer!I can't wait to begin cooking this tasty medley!
You can eat with a spork!
You can eat with a spork! | Source
Dip's a cinch in the slammer!
Dip's a cinch in the slammer! | Source
I can't wait to begin cooking this tasty medley!
I can't wait to begin cooking this tasty medley! | Source

Simpson Spork Spread

Simpon's favorite spread can now be made and shared amongst his closest pals. This party spread can be made for a party of two (romantic evening) or the whole gang!

If the inmates are celebrating they can have a BYOCI Dip. (Bring your own commissary item dip). For the authentic version you will need a garbage bag to prep the dip. Simply pour the noodles into the bag, crush them with shower shoes or murderous strength. Now all you have to do is have party goer's walk past, dropping their favorite commissary item into the bag.

  • Package(s) of Ramen Noodles + Spice Packet
  • Any flavor of Chips (Doritos, Cheetos, Frito's)
  • Tuna
  • Salsa
  • V8 Juice
  • Whatever one can spare

Crunch all the noodles, spice packets and additives up. Add hot water and cinch that sak! Let your party dip cook together so the flavors have time to meld. After the cinch sak feels nice and thoroughly cooked through open the bag and voila! You can relax and enjoy the party while everyone chows down with a non-threatening spork.

You don't have to worry about leaving the dish just take your cinch sacked dip and spread it out on the table. It's great for PTA functions, baby showers or office parties. Wait until your friends see you approaching with this little treat! They will all be clamoring for the recipe, I promise.

Are you on a boat?

Hey Mikey - ya like it?

Click thumbnail to view full-size
That is beautilicious!Crunch it all up!It's cookin' now!
That is beautilicious!
That is beautilicious! | Source
Crunch it all up!
Crunch it all up! | Source
It's cookin' now!
It's cookin' now! | Source

Tyson Tamale - Take a Bite Outta Life!

The Tyson Tamale is the fix for your taste buds when you are looking to add some spice in your life! I had to beg Tyson to part with the recipe and finally, he agreed if I'd just let him whisper the secret ingredient into my ear. Turns out it's hot sauce! Crispy chips, deconstucted and reconstructed into a hot little firecracker!

  • One bag of Fritos
  • One bag of spicey hot Cheetohs

Break the chips down into tiny crumbs. Add hot water to make a thick mush. Roll the combined ingredients in the bag and cook for 5 minutes. Unroll your snack and top with hot sauce, jalapeno's or cheese.

Correct All Cake

What would an evening in jail be without a special dessert? To make your night memorable or for those occasions where an inmate is released you can prepare a scrumptious cake!

  • Oreo Cookies
  • Peanut Butter
  • M & M's

Separate the Oreo Cookies. Make a crust from the cookie wafers. Mix the white icing with peanut butter. Cover the cookies with the peanut butter frosting. Garnish with crushed M & M's.

As you can see there are many delectable treats that can be made from what is on hand - or 'the list'. From "VickChowMean" which smacks of Asian Terriyaki to a savory "MaulAGirl Stew" all these recipes are a cinch. Food fit for a Kingpin! If you are looking for more frugal menu items or chow you don't need modern conveniences to cook, these ideas will be sure to amaze and excite you and your food loving friends!

Pruno - Wine You Can Make it on a Boat!

"And it should be the law: If you use the word "paradigm" without knowing what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions." ~David Jones

Comments

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  • Kathryn Stratford profile image

    Kathryn 4 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

    I have seen your name every so often, and was curious about you. This article caught my eye, and had me laughing. What a fun idea! Lol. I also like the link to billybuc's funny bachelor post. I read that several weeks ago, and it is funny.

    Thanks for sharing this with us, and have a great day!

    ~ Kathryn

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Thank you so much veggie8head! I had a great time putting this one together:) I bet you can imagine how all the kids in the neighborhood went home and told their moms how Mrs. Housewife cooks in a trash bag! hahahaha

  • profile image

    veggie8head 4 years ago

    Lovin this!! Now this is humor. The picture of Martha Stewart right off the bat, now that classic.

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Thanks so much Karen! I love Pinterest! I wish I owned it. Lol

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Thanks C_MarieWeber - this one still cracks me up...morbid fascination made me want to try to see what I could do with a garbage bag and fritos! Haha

  • Karen Ellis profile image

    Karen Ellis 4 years ago from Central Oregon

    Cute article. I pinned you - see if it makes a difference in your hits for this hub.

  • C_MarieWeber profile image

    C_MarieWeber 4 years ago from Wichita

    This is great! You made my morning. lol

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Oh you won't need a bookmark for this one - if you need these recipes they will find you buddy:) lol Just kidding - thanks for the comment!

  • Peterg-hd profile image

    Peter Greenwood 4 years ago from Hong Kong

    Well I really hope i never go to jail, but i'll bookmark this page just imn case...

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Dr. Cil - so funny! This was a fun hub and I'd been hearing so much about jail housewife food I had to try to make some myself. Now I know ill never let them take me alive! Haha

  • profile image

    Dr Cil 4 years ago

    Funny! I have heard of jailhouse noodles before. Never saw any recipes though!

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Eddy! Thank you but I seriously doubt you'll need these:) hahaha

  • Eiddwen profile image

    Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

    Original,unique, very clever and thanks for sharing.

    I wish you a wonderful weekend.

    Eddy.

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi ishwaryaa22! Thank you! I had a blast with this one...but no one wanted to eat my food! I made them though! "Just a taste" I begged! LOL

  • ishwaryaa22 profile image

    Ishwaryaa Dhandapani 5 years ago from Chennai, India

    An engaging hub! The recipes sound easy & tasty. No wonder that in most cases Ramen noodles & chips come in handy for these inmates. Way to go!

    Thanks for SHARING. Useful, Funny & Interesting. Voted up & pinned

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    HI Audrey - thank you so much! I do love to laugh and make other people laugh - this idea just cracked me up:) lol

  • AudreyHowitt profile image

    Audrey Howitt 5 years ago from California

    Wow--did you know that you are really, really funny! I loved this!!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Well you are the one in quicksand - not me! lol I can tell you a million and one ways to get there - and every single one of them would probably be lots of fun to do too! haha I'd really love to rob a bank - just to see if I could..you know! Doesn't everyone? haha

  • quicksand profile image

    quicksand 5 years ago

    Great recipes indeed! But ... you have not stated clearly how one could get in there! :) :) :)

    Cheers!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Michelle - thank you! Hey I bet that coffee would't be so bad in the slammer. I really detest instant coffee though so I hope I never have to do any time in the pokey. lol

  • midget38 profile image

    Michelle Liew 5 years ago from Singapore

    Enjoyable "jailhouse"recipes there. jam certain that "caruthless cappuccino" is my favorite! Thanks for the humor!! thoroughly enjoyed it!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Scott - me too! I really hope none of my friends have cause to make any of these but it was kinda fun! lol I liked showing the messy tuna and crap in the bag to the kids when they asked "what's for supper" .... just to see the priceless look on their sweet little faces:) hahaha

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    hahahahaha Drbj - now that would be good! If you thought you wrote it - I am pretty proud of myself right now:) lol

    THANK YOU!!

  • DS Duby profile image

    DS Duby 5 years ago from United States, Illinois

    Now this is true creativity lmao Reading this hubbies me hungry enough to commit a felony and turn myself in just to try out one of the recipes! Actually though I'm voting this article up, awesome, interesting and useful though I have to say I'm really hoping its never truly useful to me .lol

  • drbj profile image

    drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

    You are too brave, Kelly, letting Tyson whisper his secret ingredient sauce into your EAR? Loved this hub. It is so funny I thought I wrote it. Heh, heh.

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi irc7815 - thank you! lol See now this is a great way to convince your family that you really ARE a great cook - I mean I bet you can make a better spork spread all on your own! At least we can use refrigerated products:) hahaha

  • lrc7815 profile image

    Linda Crist 5 years ago from Central Virginia

    It was a stroke of genius to write this. A real hoot! Great job.

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hey jessefutch - I have a brother in law that is a long distance OTR:) lol But then again - his wife cooks like shit too so it probably doesn't make much difference to him:) hahaha Thanks a lot! I hope you never have to resort to using any of these though!

  • jessefutch profile image

    jessefutch 5 years ago from North Carolina

    This was a hilarious hub! I hate to admit this: as a Truck Driver many years ago I ate many meals that closely resembles a lot of the ones listed here! Same principle with nowhere to cook and few ingredients that are available at your friendly neighborhood truck stop! Awesome work on this one.

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Ruchira - thanks! I had so much fun doing this one...I can't always be serious and heck - this might help some one who plans to do a little time in the big house:) lol

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Howlermunkey - isn't it funny how some guys get their nick names in jail? Sometimes it can be pretty telling, huh? I guess it's just a way of keeping real names outta stuff.

    I knew a lady who used to make wine out of grapes and it was pretty good! Lotsa sugar. I guess if I was in jail, I'd be doing stuff like that trying to fight the boredom. I know I would for sure want to work in the kitchen:) lol

    I'm super impressed about the vintages! Pretty good - did you see that video on Pruno? It was hilarious.

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hey Tammy! hahaha I heard when the lights went out - the ladies would whisper stuff like, "it's a good thing!" Mocking her...now I do feel bad for her because you know darn good and well they made an example out of her...but I still betcha there is a lot we do not know...plea bargaining and all:)

    Yeah I can think of a few more things Orenthal should have to endure...maybe a little beef jerky! lol

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Oh and feel free by all means to add any of your own! lol

  • Ruchira profile image

    Ruchira 5 years ago from United States

    gosh this is hilarious and creative, Kelly.

    I LOVED it. voted up with many votes and sharing it across

  • howlermunkey profile image

    Jeff Boettner 5 years ago from Tampa, FL

    When I was in Prison I used to make the best Red Wine out of Raisins -- I even had different Vintages. My jailhouse nickname was "Napa" .

    (Awesome hub, up and sharing)

  • tammyswallow profile image

    Tammy 5 years ago from North Carolina

    I had a good chuckle. Your google ads at the bottom of the hub say: Save $$$$ on Inmate Phone Calls. This is highly creative and very funny! I bet jail was a terrible experience for Martha Stewart, not being able to fly her control freak flag. I think OJ should have to eat vienna sausages for the rest of his life.. with that slimy coating and all. Great hub and lots of fun!

  • TToombs08 profile image

    Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

    I did indeed enjoy the humor. I can't wait to share your recipes with the hubby. :) lol!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    ha! Hi Penlady - right! I forgot to mention, I have heard of some guys trying to fry the bologna although I am not sure that would help! lol

    Thanks so much for the votes and shares!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Vinaya! Well there ya go! Grab a carton of milk and start hunting for a hot steamy faucet:) lol

    Thank you for the read and commet:)

  • penlady profile image

    penlady 5 years ago from Sacramento, CA

    Well, at least if you're in jail, you can eat something besides bologna sandwiches - ha! Funny hub. Voted up and funny.

  • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

    Vinaya Ghimire 5 years ago from Nepal

    I see this world as a jail so I better learn to make Cappuccino and noodle your way. LOL

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Terrye now I hoped you would enjoy my humor here! haha Yeah I have known a few people that spent some time in the slammer. Everyone automatically assumes people in jail are murderers or rapists. I don't think they realize how similar inmates are to yours truly. You know people who go to jail for something they got caught doing that many of the people outside are doing every day. I know many people who have gone to jail over the years and some are friends. Life's funny that way...we take different paths sometimes.

    I know a guy who worked in the kitchen while serving 4 years...(accumulation of unpaid traffic tickets and driving with a suspended license type stuff) anywho - he survived trading juice boxes. It was his gig = postage stamps, smokes, whatever would be traded for a box of juice! He gave me a lot of my secret recipes:))) hahahaha

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Amy! I have been thinking about you! Great to see ya:)

    I do adore the vision of life on a boat...I have wanted to do that for a long time. It isn't practical now (living on the Mississippi really doesn't serve my vision, you know?) haha I hope to retire maybe on a boat though. I would have internet! You know that is about the only thing wrong with living in Missouri - we don't really have a gorgeous sea or ocean. I do enjoy our rivers though but mostly just the history of them...I really don't wanna submerge myself in them - unless I gotta boat:) haha

    That would be so cool and I really do think it is going to be a growing trend!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Good Morning Cyndi! Thank you! This was a blast to do - my whole family thought it was a riot:) haha Then the look on my hubby's face when I told him he was gonna have to try it...priceless!! lol

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Pamela99 - thank you so much! I had a lot of fun with this one:) You just never know when you might find yourself in a tough spot huh? lol

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Mhatter! Thank you! I had a really fun time preparing the dishes this week:) haha Now I just wonder how many neighborhood kids are gonna be allowed to eat in my kitchen when they go home and tell their parent's "Mrs. Umphenour makes dip in garbage bags!" hahaha

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Faith! Thank you so much! lol I had to just put the brakes on a do a fun hub:) I am so glad you enjoyed it!!

  • TToombs08 profile image

    Terrye Toombs 5 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

    LMAO! Kelly, you did a great job! In my hubby's younger and wilder days, he was given the opportunity to spend a little time in the local penitentiary and learned to make a few delicacies. His favorite was much like the Madoff MaNoodle. They weren't allowed to have cans in his residence, but they did have powered chili that they used instead (just add water). He's made it a couple of times and I'll tell ya, I'd rather eat my sock. :)

    Voted up and more and sharing! :)

  • Amy Becherer profile image

    Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    With the rising crime rates in St. Louis, RealHousewife, you are right on target, guns ablazin', with cooking recipes for jailbirds. I got a special kick out of your Madoff "horses turds" recipe, courtesy of the poor mans meal with Ramen noodles. My BFF, whose Florida home was in foreclosure, attempted to work with the bankers, to no avail, of course, but one banker told her reduce her already stringent, bare bones budget by eating Ramen noodles everyday. Nice...and fitting that one of the biggest cons in history should call dinner the same (although I'd have to see it to believe it.)

    Love this article, Real, and I'm intrigued by the idea of living on a boat. The electrical contractor I last worked for had about 3 electricians that lived on boats in Grafton, IL, taking the ferry to get to the jobsite in STL everyday. Life on a boat sounds adventurous, conjuring up the lifestyle of Huck Finn!

  • cclitgirl profile image

    Cynthia Sageleaf 5 years ago from Western NC

    Oh boy! YUM! I mean...who WOULDN'T want all that gooey, cheesy, noodley goodness. LOL. Funny hub! I love it and I love your humor! :D

  • Pamela99 profile image

    Pamela Oglesby 5 years ago from United States

    I don't plan to go to jail to try these out but it sure made for an interesting hub. Raimen noodles sure are a hit. Very clever topic!

  • Mhatter99 profile image

    Martin Kloess 5 years ago from San Francisco

    Me too Me too! I want to throw my hat in (probably make good soup), to tell you that this was hilarious.

  • Faith Reaper profile image

    Faith Reaper 5 years ago from southern USA

    Clever and so very funny!!! We will be prepared the next time we have to go to jail for sure. I loved this. Really great recipes, actually. LOL Voted Up In His LOve, Faith Reaper

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Paula! Wanna come over for some dip? Lol. Thanks! I was entertaining myself trying to come up with appropriate names for my special dishes:) haha.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    OMG, Kelly...this is a GEM! Funny, funny FUNNY!.....Bernie Madoff? LMAO!! OJ???......you really cracked me up with this one, girl!! LOVE the recipes. Actually, quite creative for a prison dish!!...........UP+

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    I hope you never have to either Kelley - hahaha - worst case senario - always keep a can of tuna, chili and ramen noodles in the trunk. You will have a nice little feast!

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Julie :) LOL LOL I was dying laughing wondering what you guys were gonna think about this one! Woot! haha I just sometimes have to break the mold and write some of the crazy hub ideas that come to mind. Thanks!

  • profile image

    kelleyward 5 years ago

    Kelly, you crack me up. What a great idea for a hub, although I hope I never have to resort back to this hub for recipes. Voted up and funny. Blessings, Kelley

  • Julie DeNeen profile image

    Blurter of Indiscretions 5 years ago from Clinton CT

    ROTFLMAO. Hilarious!! I think you have a definite niche. How to be a housewife in jail. Cooking, cleaning, decorating, etc. :)

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Thomas! Now you can set sail on your dream boat and have a gazillion ways to dine in a small space! You could do it up too because you'll even be allowed to use fire or matches! Even a knife! Mmmm!

    Hahaha thanks buddy - I was so waiting for you to catch this:) bahaha

  • ThoughtSandwiches profile image

    ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

    Kelly!!

    This is so much better than my plan to ply the rivers of Missouri while begging for food. Also, should my piracy plans run afoul of the Coast Guard...boom...my new cooking skills will prove a nice lateral move!

    I love how you put this together!! HY. STER. I. CAL.

    Now all I gotta do is get somebody to put money on my books so I can hook up phat style on the commissary sheet!

    Thank you for the link and the great advise!!

    Thomas

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Yeah I don't think anyone really knows what's IN potted meat but it smells curiously like Alpo! Lol

    Hi Glimmer Twin! Thank you! That reminds me of this nurse I knew who worked at Gumbo (which is now closed but was about 10 minutes away from me now) She always had to keep her alcohol prep pads locked up! She said they used them to help ferment alcohol:) yup! Yummy mixes of Pruno! Hahahaha

  • Glimmer Twin Fan profile image

    Glimmer Twin Fan 5 years ago

    Very very funny! Madoff Manoodle Made Ma Morning! My old church used to send cookies to inmates but had to stop the program because they were distilling alcohol from the sugar. Always got a chuckle out of that.

  • KathyH profile image

    KathyH 5 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

    I have heard of potted meat, not exactly sure what it is though! LOL!! If it's something like SPAM, then I know! ;) SPAM is hugely popular in some places, especially Hawaii if I remember right! ;)

    I giggled at your meatloaf story, that's EXACTLY something I would do! :) Thanks for sharing some great ideas!!

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi lauramaryscott! Ha! I got stuck climbing a crab apple tree when I was about 5...I know they don't get very tall but it looked like a long jump down! l don't think I have had one since. I bet I would love it though!

    I used to cook lots of dinners in the microwave when I was a young, single mother. I had to commute to the city to work and didn't even make it back home until 6pm so quick was needed. I made a meatloaf in the nuker once - I over cooked it so much that the bottom was similar to a sole of a shoe. I was dating my husband at the time and he was on the way over! To eat! I just sliced the bottom off...put it down on the plate and you could see the diff. Apparently you couldn't taste the diff either because I had so much trouble NOT laughing when he swore it was the best meatloaf he had ever had:) hahaha

  • lauramaryscott profile image

    lauramaryscott 5 years ago from Boise, Idaho

    RealHousewife, I'm with KathyH in that the first thing I thought of was how does she know this and then I saw the photo of Martha Stewart. By the way, making crab apple jelly is really easy and fun with a steamer canner. I enjoyed your article. I was hoping for recipes my daughter could try in the truck. She cooks a lot of her meals in the microwave. Another fun hub.

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi mythbuster! hahaha I had a blast with this and I am so glad you enjoyed it:) I certainly wouldn't recommend that you try any of this at home...unless desperate! ahaha I love the boat song and it makes me wonder what an inmate thinks when they hear that one?

    "Take a good hard look at me, I'm ona Boat!"

  • RealHousewife profile image
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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hey Lela - now you know I get around:) lol I have all kinds of these sweet receipes in my secret book! hahaha

    Hey you worked in art therapy at a prison - come on! Did't you ever smell any of these delectible dishes being cooked on a hot plate? They also set toilet paper on fire to hold beneath things to warm them up. Grilled cheese cooked on a nice hot furnace is tasty too! MMMM mmmm good!

    Oreo's are worth the big bucks and certainly worth a nice trade with any cellie!

  • RealHousewife profile image
    Author

    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi KathyH! I actually do have all kinds of friends from all kinds of places! I was pretty poor too when my oldest was a baby. I lived in some "modest" areas (I look back and I am shocked I never had any problems!) People would share all kinds of crazy recipes when they were poor. Have you ever heard of potted meat? Now there's a meaty treat! hahaha

    Thanks so much!

  • mythbuster profile image

    mythbuster 5 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

    Hilarious - loved the content, especially the Pruno vid (Had to get rid of the head echo from "I'm on a Boat" lol). Might actually try the coffee recipe even though there's not a handcuff in sight around here :)

  • Austinstar profile image

    Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

    What? No Hannibal the Cannibal recipes? It's the most available meat there is in prison - other inmates! Yes, I know I'm going to hell. At least my meat will be roasted.

    Obviously funny and a treat to read, Kelly. But how do you know so many recipes? Did you get to know the local warden? Oh, you actually prepared these treats?

    Well, the Oreo cookie treat sounds truly delish. You could use it to fatten up your cellmate. hahahaha

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    KathyH 5 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

    My first thought was... how DID she know all of this? Is there something you're not tellin' us? As Elvis would say, you'd be the cutest little jailbird he ever did see! Ha!!!

    Very funny, voted up for sure! :)

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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Cardisa! I think you are on the safe side:) lol I agree too though - Ramen Noodles seem to be a delicacy in jail:) haha

    And see - now you know you have no worries at all - if you do get sent to the pokey for, I don't know, what's the worst thing I can imagine you doing? Plagiarizing? hahaha You will not starve for lack of tasty treats!

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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Christopher! Thank you - I have lots of left over Tamale's you know? hahaha You can come on over and bring a bag of pork rinds to toss in:) lol

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    Carolee Samuda 5 years ago from Jamaica

    Ramen noodles seem to the the most popular jail food..lol...I don't like them but won't state the reason here. My favorite is the cappuccino though. I'll keep these in case I end up in the slammer...lol

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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Good Morning Susan! Haha now ya see what I was doing yesterday:) hahaha. My kids thought I was nuts and I had to BEG Dave to try my treats! Lol he didn't want to - but I made 'em. Then he actually said the DIP isn't bad and you can't even taste that can of tuna I dumped in:) lol

    Thanks I just had towrite this once the idea found it's way into MaNoodle:)

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    Christoph Reilly 5 years ago from St. Louis

    Makes me want to go to prison. lol. The tamale sounds gross, but you made it look so delish!

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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Good Morning Carol! Thank you! Yeah I was showing my kids all the culinary delights they indulge in while passing time....they were revolted:) maybe they will strive for college now eh?

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    Susan Zutautas 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

    When I think of prisoners making meals I always think of the movie GoodFellas .... man those guys could cook :)

    We have a low security prison not too far from us that Al did the drywall in. There are no cells, just apartments, and bedrooms, all single rooms, and the inmate has his own keys for his apartment, and his bedroom. Food is purchased from a grocery store, and inmates prepare their own meals. Now that's where I want to go if I'm ever locked up :)

    I think I'll be laughing all day thinking about your hub. Brilliant!

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    Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

    Hi Bill! Thank you so much! I was dying laughing while writing this one. Making the actual food in the cinch sack was killing my kids! Now they know they NEVER want to go to the pokey!

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    carol stanley 5 years ago from Arizona

    I just got a chuckle out of this..I hope I am never in jail to try any of these dishes. Very clever and creative idea. I will vote up.

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    Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

    This may be your funniest hub yet. I'll link this to my bachelor recipe hubs. Great job Kelly; love the Simpson recipe!