Food Labels: Ranch Dressing (Warning....This May Cause Laughter)
AN EXPERIMENT AT HOME
I don’t know about you, but for most of my adult life I did not spend a lot of time reading food labels on the foods I bought from the grocery store. I don’t remember my mother ever doing that when I was a kid, and I guess I just got in the habit of buying an item, taking it home, and eating it, without getting into any heavy reading in-between. After all, I buy food to eat, and because I’m hungry. I buy books to read because I want reading material. I do not buy food to read or books to eat. I think my logic is fairly sound here.
However, lately I have gotten in the habit of reading some of those food labels, and I gotta tell ya, it’s like reading a Stephen King novel. Scares the living bejeebers out of me! Did you ever read Rachel Carson’s book “Silent Spring” about DDT? Well, read that, and then I dare you to eat anything purchased in a grocery store without first reading the label.
Oh, so you think I’m joking? Well fine, allow me to grab an item at random from our refrigerator, and I’ll share with you what the label says. Then I will let you be the judge on whether this stuff should be eaten or not. I vote NOT but we will just see if you agree with me.
Okay, I’m reaching into the refrigerator, with my eyes closed, and what do I grab? Kraft Ranch Dressing & Dip. Are you ready?
Hahahahahahahahaha! Nutritional facts! Already it’s funny! Let’s see, we are told that a serving size is 2 Tbsp, or about 30 grams. Are you kidding me? I hate salads, so to make them palatable I need more than two damn tablespoons of this crap! I need to kill the taste of those green leaves with anything that is handy, preferably a flame-thrower, but lacking that the Ranch Dressing will have to do, and tons of it thank you!
Okay, we are also told that there are 110 calories in 2 tablespoons. Hmmm….how many calories would there be in five huge squeezes and a couple shakes? Already I’m confused! It also says there are 110 fat calories in a serving size…is that opposed to skinny calories???
The product also has 11 grams of total fat which includes 1.5 grams of saturated fat. What makes up the other 9.5 grams of fat? Fattier fat? Deadly fat? I need to know this stuff! We also have 5 mg of cholesterol, 300 mg of Sodium, and 2 grams of Total Carbs. It has no Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium or Iron. Now excuse me, but if you are trying to sell a product, why would you tell the consumer about all the good stuff YOU DON’T HAVE in the product?
My confusion continues, and my fear rises!
Let’s keep going and see what the ingredients consist of; that should be enough to insure our breaking down and weeping like a baby.
Some More Humor By Yours Truly
- Weird Guinness World Records: Warning, This May Cause Laughter!
Take a few minutes and read about some of the stranger world records; I promise you that you won't be disappointed.
From A Friend of MIne.....Radcliff
- Caesar Dressing Recipe: How to Stay Off the Bottle
Pre-made salad dressings contain ingredients that everyone should try to avoid. Fortunately, making your own is simple. Here is a Caesar dressing recipe that is quick and easy to whip up for use in a variety of different meals and snacks.
INGREDIENTS IN KRAFT RANCH DRESSING
Okay, in simple fashion, the ingredients include water, soybean oil, vinegar, sugar, salt, starch, garlic juice, buttermilk, monosodium glutamate, xanthan gum, phosphoric acid, polysorbate 60, spice, artificial color, tartaric acid, artificial flavor, sorbic acid, and calcium disodium EDTA (to protect flavor). LOL
Also, in bold, it tells us that it contains eggs and milk!
By my count there are three different acids in this stuff. I don’t know about you, but I’m not swelling with positive energy and I haven’t even tasted it yet. Acid? There is nothing quite like eating something you know will be eating your innards from the inside out! ENJOY! I know, I know, there are some acids that are harmless, but where is the fun in that? Just go along with me and picture in your mind your spleen being eaten by phosphoric acid while you chew on your sprouts and lettuce like some tri-stomach four-legged beast of the prairie.
But I digress! Back to the ingredients! Could anyone tell me what polysorbate 60 is? Am I the only one who thinks that it is a bad idea to put that in your stomach? Whatever it is, it ain’t natural! God didn’t make natural things and give them a name and a number. No sir, that’s homemade stuff, brought to you directly from the laboratory at Kraft Industries, like some experiment gone bad with Dr. Frankenstein.
Well, I had to look it up, and I was immediately greeted with this information: polysorbate 60 is an emulsifier used in food preparation and pharmaceuticals. Huh? What in the living hell is an emulsifier? I’m a writer and I’m looking for a dictionary and a couple aspirin because I feel a headache coming on.
Anyway, we are also told that polysorbate 60 is also used in….get this….cosmetics, and it is most famous as being an active ingredient in Twinkies!
Are you laughing yet? I have tears in my eyes but I’m not sure it’s because of laughter. In other words, when I eat this delicious ranch dressing, I am eating an ingredient that is used in mascara AND Twinkies, the food that never spoils.
What’s that sound I hear? Thousands of consumers are rushing to their refrigerators, grabbing their ranch dressing, and pouring it down the drain! WAIT, STOP! You can’t pour that stuff down the drain; it’s going right into our water supply and we’ll end up drinking it next week. Seal it in a container, put it in a time capsule, and when the folks of the future open it in the year 2172, they will have something to eat if they are hungry.
Oh dear God, give me strength!
Take A Free Poll
Have you ever been so bored that you read food labels?
SHALL WE CONTINUE?
What is modified food starch? I get nervous when someone tells me they modified my food. I picture some little dweeb of a scientist who hasn’t had a date in ten years, shooting who knows what into my food ingredients with a syringe. And artificial flavor? What’s wrong with real flavor? Isn’t it harder to make an artificial flavor than it is to use a real flavor? Probably explains why this man-made crud costs so much.
And why do they need to print, in bold lettering, that this product contains eggs and milk? Is that so we’ll see those two items clearly and we won’t delve into the fine print about cosmetic bases and Twinkie fillers?
The only good news from this little exercise is that the label also tells us that Kraft Foods Global, Inc. is located in Northfield, Illinois, so it is an American company making American products, but I wouldn’t count on it being made here much longer. Rumor has it that the Chinese can make polysorbate 60 much cheaper in China, so don’t be surprised if you see Kraft moving those production jobs to China in the near future. Then we can pay twice as much for this same product because of shipping costs, and Kraft can double their profits.
STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT ITEM ON MY LIST
Yes, there will be a next time. You didn’t think I was going to be satisfied making fun of just one product, did you? Next week we will blindly grab another item out of our refrigerator and find out what else we are pouring down our gullets.
I would say “Live Long and Prosper” but seriously, what are the chances of that happening?
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)