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Here’s to the Messiest Food Ever

Updated on August 9, 2019
kenneth avery profile image

I was born in the south. I live in the south and will die in the south. This is only a small part of the memories I share.

Ribs Can be Enjoyed by One and All

I Suppose That

I am about to embark on a scary journey that may shock you and some will be in awe of my thoughts.

Not that I want to be a “monster” in writing hubs, because THIS hub’s topic need to be seen and heard. Why? Because I have this scary belief that not everyone on earth has ever known of or eaten delicious ribs. That is right. Be shocked. I did say ribs. Or would the term be more accepted if I had just said “barbecue ribs?”

That is right! Barbecue ribs. Deceptive, but delicious food items, easy to prepare, but when it comes to being eaten and enjoyed . . .ribs are probably, THE messiest meat item that you can place in your mouth. Take my word for this, for over the years, I have put several pounds of ribs down my gullet and although I did enjoy the taste (some), most of my time was occupied staring at the friends and family who were eating with me and they did not eat due to my theatrics in how I ate my ribs. Friends still laugh when they recall how I attacked each rack of ribs and the labor that I put in to get these tasty meats into my hungry mouth.

But now it is time to be serious. I know that God created all things. No question. No argument. But I do have to think that Satan was behind the ribs and how they affect people who, with the first bite, fall in love with these deceptive-looking, yet awkward-looking meats on the bone laying there, beckoning rubes (like me) to come on. One bite won’t hurt. Then “we” are hooked. For life. I know. I am a Rib Addict, but I am going to meetings every Saturday night where we get up and share whether or not we have backslid and eaten a few ribs on the sly. I admit it. I try with all of my might, but the ribs are stronger. But I am trying.

I'm getting hungry from just looking at these delicious ribs.
I'm getting hungry from just looking at these delicious ribs. | Source

Just Take a Good Look

at your next rack of ribs. I say rack, because most people can put-down an entire rack of ribs due to the fact that (some), not all, racks are that big. I would comment about the old tool of “Bait and Switch,” but that is for another story. The entire “Ribs Adventure” begins with your eyes when you zero-in on the ad in your newspaper, or on TV about how delicious the ribs are at “Johnny Bob’s Ribs Galaxy”and when you walk up to the door, you see a rack of uncooked ribs sitting in the front of the rib joint behind some thick glass. This attention-compelling move is somewhat like the front of a strip joint where a few young ladies are almost nude sitting on a couch behind a thick glass and using their eyes and smiles to lure males into their joint.

Back to the ribs . . .then you are taken to a friendly waitress (or waiter) to where you sit in a booth or upon a tall chair and before you can inhale, the waitress or waiter takes your drinks order followed by a server who is smiling from ear-to-ear at what you are about to order.

“Rack of ribs,” you say confidently and smile to your girlfriend or wife. She follows suit and she, being a civil-minded weight-conscious female, orders a half-rack and a garden salad. A salad? Why did this girl insult this rib joint by ordering a garden salad? And why the term, garden salad? Is there any other kind? Unless someone (in Nebraska) has discovered a Road-Side Rib Restaurant and it is being packed every night just to have (a) rack of ribs without such a thing as a garden salad.

Ribs are not only deceptive (by Lucifer), but carry a lot of power in their meat. And they can be cooked on a barbecue grill or baked. I like mine baked due to me not able to enjoy wings fried in vegetable oil that would cause my heart to give me problems. But to tell you how much that I love ribs, I am sitting here behind my screen on my keyboard knocking-out this hub about what? Ribs, the deceptive, powerful tool of the Devil. Laugh if you like. There may have been some early men of the cloth who preached that it was Lucifer who tempted Eve with a rack of ribs dripping with barbecue sauce.

Devouring, not eating, is how most males eat their ribs.
Devouring, not eating, is how most males eat their ribs. | Source

Now it’s Time to Enjoy

your rack of ribs that are still radiating from the heat of the restaurant oven. Although it has been ten minutes, it seemed like a lifetime. Now all you have to do is place a napkin on your lap, smile at your pretty girlfriend or wife, and dig in. Believe me. This is easier said than done. I know. I have bi-monthly appointments with my doctors in Tupelo, Miss., and after I see the doctor, my wife and I would go to a brand-name wing joint and let me tell you that no matter the day or time, this place was always brimming with people. I just wish that I could give you their name.

Your girlfriend is slowly taking small bites of her ribs by holding her rack of ribs with a fork and cutting the meat (from the bone) with her table knife and she looks so happy at knowing that you have fed her with class and love.

You cannot help but be enamored at just how gorgeous your girlfriend looks. With her thin blouse, Capri’s, and sporting a deep tan, she could pass for a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model. Easily. And she knows it. But as she picks up one of her barbecued ribs, you are mesmerized by her small hands with those perfectly-styled fingernails, you cannot believe that she has NOT got one drop or drip of her barbecue sauce anywhere on that hot body. Your eyes are wide-open with awe. You have made a life decision. As stylish, hot, and eating so mannerly she just might be the girl that you ask to be your companion. She takes another small bite of rib, and looks even better. Still, no drops of drips of barbecue sauce on her frame.

But not so with you. By now, you have gobbled-down at least four big, meaty ribs with three layers of spicy barbecue sauce and your taste buds are partying on your tongue like it was 2009. You even feel like your head is swimming and you have not had a drink in weeks. But you are a single manly man out on the town eating ribs with this hot swim suit model wannabe sitting across your table and then she takes another small bite and she does something that almost gives you a heart attack. She looks at those deep brown eyes and winks at you. Okay. She loves you. But remember, this trip was not about marriage, but eating ribs, your all-time favorite food choice.

Your beautiful sports shirt is almost layered in “Uncle Jack’s Cajun BBQ Sauce,” but you are not out to impress anyone including your hot girlfriend because you are on a serious mission to show her that you and ribs cannot be separated by this goddess at your table or those hotties walking by your table and looking very sexy as they smile at the pieces of rib meat hanging from your shirt and jeans. But you do not apologize. Eating ribs in this style is your style and you do not care about copying anyone and their rib eating style.

Look at these beautiful ribs and then know how deceptive they can be.
Look at these beautiful ribs and then know how deceptive they can be. | Source

The Rib-Eating and Talking

is drawing to a close. You have swallowed (probably whole) your half rack of ribs while your sexy girlfriend has stopped eating her ribs only to check her make-up with her compact which drives the other guys who are inhaling their ribs mad with desire. I had best stop right here on the avenue that I have taken.

Anyone who has eaten barbecue ribs can tell you that when a rib is eaten, the only thing left is the bone. That’s it. No more singing the blues. You repeat this process until every rib is gone. It is almost like a male ritual that you inherited when you were in a wild fraternity in college. And this lust for spicy rib meat has not left you. Fact: there have been times when you have went for a month without eating one rack of ribs. Then you came apart. You sweated profusely from top to bottom and your hands came up and covered your eyes as the tears flowed like you were being turned-down by the banker when you wanted to buy your first pick-up truck.

But friends, there is an amazing and noticeable difference between how the females and males dine on ribs. I have witnessed this and I urge you to run on out NOW just to see how true I am in telling you that males somehow can get the most barbecue sauce on themselves enough that would make any Prehistoric Cave Man envious when he killed his huge dinosaur for his family’s dinner.

On the other hand, any female can eat her fill of barbecue ribs with or without a male in said rib joint and she will leave as cleanly as she went in. This is a strange mystery that I cannot solve. But I tell you that this is true. This rule even applies when girls have those Girls Night Out for Ribs Eating and every girl, no matter how wild they get, NEVER get ANY amount of barbecue sauce on any part of their clothing. This is a solid truth.

Barbecue ribs are so pretty that many people cannot eat them.
Barbecue ribs are so pretty that many people cannot eat them. | Source

In Closing, Here Are Some Needed-Tips

for all barbecue rib eaters (mostly the guys) who love their racks of ribs, but hate the mess that it can cause. If you notice the following suggestions, you might be able to hold your own with your hot girlfriend the next time you are out for ribs on the town.

  • Never curse at your piping-hot rack of ribs as the waitress brings them to you. Otherwise, ribs have the unknown knack of sending vengeance upon you for cursing them. The first bite you take, the rib will burn your mouth severely and you cannot eat another bite until the meat cools. You must respect the rack of ribs and it will respect you.
  • This suggestion may not be allowed in public rib eateries: guys, take off your shirts and tie your napkins around your neck before you eat ribs and so what if a few drops of sauce fall on the napkin? At least your shirt will be kept clean.
  • Use your forefingers and take the digits by the rib bone on the ends and slowly bite the rib and this way, because you need to show other rib eaters that they too can eat ribs in a mannerly way.
  • Do NOT overdo the barbecue sauce. This suggestion should have been the first suggestion. This one is the key to happy rib eating. With too much sauce, the chances are great that most of the sauce will spill on your shirt, pants, and even the checkered napkin. Use a moderate amount of sauce and you will be happier.
  • You do NOT have to hum, sing, or discuss Hit Songs from the 80s with your girlfriend who is just going out with you so she will not have to spend the weekend at home.
  • Do NOT go as far as to give cute names to your rack of ribs. I know that you love them, but friends, this is going too far. Besides, your hot girlfriend will think that you are nuts if you refer to ribs as, “Mr. Randy Ribs.”
  • Do NOT try to devour your ribs. No. That is uncivilized. Barbaric, to be exact. When eating ribs, I suggest that you look-up from your plate of ribs often so you can get a good breath and prove to your friends or family that you do love them more than ribs.

Summary

now that I have shared the ways and suggestions about eat ribs while watching for their messy behaviors who love to attack the rib-lover.

Eating ribs is great fun. Most people who have never tasted ribs should eat ribs once, and they will be hooked. I promise. I say again, I am a Rib Addict, and can eat or not eat ribs when they are offered to me.

And if you think that this piece was scary, just wait until next time when I tackle “How to Successfully Eat Hot Wings and Still Respect Yourself.”

July 25, 2019________________________________________________

Take Note

that the fancy-barbecue ribs are fine if you want to enjoy ribs in this fashion, but I have always went the simple way in barbecuing my spare ribs. The simpler the better in my book. And I know a thing or two about ribs. To me, these delicacies are not only delicious, but healthy with not that much fat being on the ribs. With simple recipes that can help you barbecue a few racks of ribs is the best way to entertain family and friends for a quick, delicious treat at any time of the year.

© 2019 Kenneth Avery

Comments

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    • mxkamlongera profile image

      Maxwell Kamlongera 

      3 months ago

      Hi Kenneth, thanks for the fun read, I can't begin to express how right you are on the messiness of ribs: no matter how conscious I am of what I'm doing, or how hard I try to be prim and proper, it's always a messy (but tasty) endeavor eating ribs!

    • profile image

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 months ago

      Hi,, Robie . . .may I go with you, for I have TWO lovely granddaughters and one grandson, and get this: None of these three EVER get a crumb on their clothing. Any. I need you to share your expertise with me.

    • profile image

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 months ago

      Hi, RG, me too!

    • RGNestle profile image

      RGNestle 

      3 months ago from Seattle

      Mmmmmm, ribs!

    • Robie Benve profile image

      Robie Benve 

      3 months ago from Ohio

      Ahah, next time I go out for ribs I'm going to keep a close eye on the girls and try to figure out how the stay-clean mystery works. lol

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