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How to Interest Your Wife or Girlfriend in Beer
I Like Girls that Drink Beer
Okay guys, we love girls that drink beer, but in most cases, we're in love with the ones that don't. This is not such a bad thing, and we should thank our lucky stars that they're not stumbling over and puking on everyone's shoes like you did the last time you tied one on. We party with the bad girls, but we latch onto the good girls because they remind us of our mom... uh, er, okay scratch that. What I meant to say was that we can bring good girls home to introduce to our mom... yes, that's it - nothing oedipal about that.
There's also nothing wrong with finding a happy median, so if you love someone that doesn't drink beer (bless your heart), it's okay for you to want to have a little bad in a good girl. A lot of women don't like drinking beer because they have a misconception that beer doesn't taste good - and that's okay, it's alright, because if that's the only reason they've got, they'll be drinking beer by the end of this article.
To better understand the articulate workmanship of the opposite sex, I have likened our situation to an important philosophically enlightening event that is equally sophisticated and demanding various levels of skill; that being 'the art of fishing' of course.
Three Fishing Strategies to Choose from to Get Your Girl Interested in Beer
Surf Casting Fishing
Deep Sea Fishing for Shark
Very visual, likes shiney, flashy lures
Does not fall for lures
Heightened sense of smell for blood
Low Defense; but learns and never forgets
Defense; Inks, camouflage
No defense - all offense
Once hooked; will object weakly and give-in
Once caught will fight hard, may win.
Once caught the shark will continue to try to eat you until it is dead.
Someone's ciggie butt in your beer?
Were you ever at a party when all of a sudden you take a swig of your beer that was on the table, and realized that some imbecile had put their cigarette in it?
Surf Casting Fishing
In surf casting, it's all about the flash. Visual stimulation is the name of the game. You probably have at least a six-pack of your regular beer in the fridge already. She has seen it a dozen times, and she has no reaction to it either way. The wrapper of your beer has no lure, it has no shine, sparkle or flash - she'll swim right past it as if it were a jelly-fish.
She has tried your beer before, and she doesn't have to try it again (no matter how much you beg her to have a few with you) to remember she doesn't like the taste. But because you keep egging her on to join you, she gives in and cracks a beer because that's the only thing that will shut you up.
But if you appeal to her senses with visual stimulation, and you show up with a different kind of beer that she's not used to seeing, that's the lure. If the bottle itself is provocative or colored differently from any other beer, your lure is working, and it has already caught her eye. Give her a few audible cues like, the beer steward said that this beer is a very good seller, and that he recommends it very highly. If you invite her to share a glass - yes a glass you caveman! - she will be inclined to take you up on your offer. If this happens, she will probably only be a one bottle of beer woman, but hey, she's having a beer with you, right?
The octopus is a very extraordinary animal. You'll have to get into the water for this one, and enter into the octopus' environment. It is a very lethal hunter, and is very observant. It will watch you, and know everything about you so you don't need to say anything when it comes to bringing a new looking and tasting beer home.
If she loves coffee, there are a number of labels out there that offer a very different and delicious variety including Kona coffee, peach and apricot ales. But you have to be careful and not rush the process or she will launch a tentacle on you and cram it up your orifices. Let her approach you and speak first, don't answer too quickly or appear to be excited that she is interested. Appear aloof - not a goof. Set one glass for yourself, make sure the beer is cold, and if it's a hot day, better still. Say, "Wow, that's a surprise.". Boom, the octopus is on the move, out of it's hole and latching on to your glass with one long appendage. Don't appear too excited when she sniffs it, or she'll ink you and be gone in a flash. After she takes a sip, she may be negative, that's okay, continue to say positive things about it after sipping - don't over act. Remember, to be subtle. If she comes around for another sip, she's hooked and bagged. Keep surprising her with different beers once a week until she admits to loving one of them.
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Shark fishing is a very dangerous activity. Sharks are maneaters, and they have a very heightened sense of smell. They can distinguish and smell fear - they know when you have something up your sleeve even if you think you don't. They do not have any defense mechanisms, because they are all about the attack. They are observant, and very patient to wait out prey.
For this type of dangerous fishing, there is only one bait; Chocolate. Chocolate flavored stouts are an amazing and refreshing switch from the old stand-by that you always drink. It will definitely cause the shark to do a pass for a closer inspection. She can smell the chocolate slowly permeating the area, and it puts her off her guard because the experience is new and the chocolate is blowing her mind. Her eyes roll back as it's lids protect them from the attack. Stay clear and be silent. She throws her head back and takes a most satisfying gulp. You tighten your orifice just in case there's a little octopus in her, and brace for an attack. Hey, she likes it! Now club her and drag her on board while she's mesmerized!! No, no, just kidding, you don't have to drag her on board, but do be leery of the jaws just in case.
Eat Drink Love
They say... okay, it's not 'they', it's me... I say, the way a woman eats gives subtle hint to the way she loves. If her appetite for food is ravenous, her appetite for love is as the same. However, if she eats like a bird - scratch-and-peck, it's not only painful, but could be problematic unless you are both scratch and peckers... in which case, I'm sorry.
There's something about a woman that will attack a plate of ribs with sauce everywhere, take a swig of beer out of an ice cold mug, and wipe her mouth clean with the back of her hand...it's sexy yes? It is, but, heck, keep that up day after day, meal after meal and it becomes darn right disgusting. Then of course, we'll be wanting our ravenous eater to be more like a scratch and pecker which brings us to our lesson's end:
If it ain't broke, leave it the heck alone man! If your girl drinks wine, fine, if she doesn't like to drink at all, swell (I was going to try and rhyme 'all' but couldn't pull it off without unloading a ton of cheese on you, so I spared you). Be happy and thank God that this woman puts up with you. Now go pick up your socks and underwear that you're always leaving on the floor, and go do something nice for your girl. Peace. Kawi.