How to make the worst cookies in the world: a great April Fool's day prank
Or how to give your friends’ taste buds PTSD
A very health conscious friend gave me some cookies similar to these twenty years ago. I still shudder at the memory. Although she was honestly trying to be nice by making a healthy treat, this gesture didn’t turn out so well. The first bite was so surprising that I almost didn’t make it to a trash can when my taste buds exploded in agony and my gag reflex won out over manners.
Now the passing of time has made me able to laugh instead of cry so I thought that this could be something useful to share.
This is my best guess at the recipe she used.
Don't bother getting out the measuring cups or spoons; these will be inedible, so don't bother.
First, no flour. It’s just not very healthy. Every nutrient has been milled away; what’s left can only be called a food-like substance. Even whole wheat flour is suspicious. You never know, you might be gluten intolerant. Don’t take the chance, use cornmeal instead.
Roughly ground cornmeal is best to insure nutritional value and that brickish texture we’re looking for. Throw some in the bowl. Oh, yeah, get a bowl to mix this in. I guess that’s one thing we can do right.
Next find the vilest artificial sweetener on the market. It has to have that just-about-to-be-banned-for-human-consumption chemical taste. Whatever it is, it’s gotta be better than sugar, right? That’s probably a powder. Okay, toss some of that in.
Don’t bother with baking powder or soda. They are super refined ingredients with no nutritional value. Also they could possibly detract from the hard as a rock texture we’re looking for.
Now usually we add vanilla but there are rumors that it contains harmful toxins. Don’t take the chance. Instead, find flavoring oil that you hate. My friend used mint, but there are other choices such as orange, cherry or coconut. Pour a bit in.
Add some olive oil. It’s good for you, so why not?
Last and most important, let’s add some carob chips instead of chocolate. That way it will look like innocent chocolate chip cookies. There’s no need to measure too closely because these will be one of the vilest concoctions you have ever tasted. The carob cinches that objective if you’re a chocolate lover.
Play with the ingredients until the mix has softish texture that can be shaped into cookies.
Bake at, I dunno, 375 degrees for ten to twelve-ish minutes. Cool until rock solid, then…
Well, I wouldn’t eat these, but it could be a decent prank to pull on someone special.