ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The Perfect English Breakfast. No Indoctrinated Beans!

Updated on February 21, 2023
(photo by Peasap on Flickr: Creative Commons)
(photo by Peasap on Flickr: Creative Commons)

I thought I would share a recent experience with you that troubled me greatly. It was of a culinary nature involving an early morning breakfast order in a London cafe.

It was a little roadside place near Victoria Bus Station that I entered and where I ordered a 'Full English' with coffee to set me up for the day.

Not for nothing is it said that breakfast is 'fuel not fat' and a fine meaty fry-up can stoke the engine ready for the busy London streets. After a few sips of coffee, my meal duly arrived from the friendly, smiling waitress along with the condiments and a freshly opened bottle of ketchup.

But sadly, as is more often the case with these traditional morning feeds, the cook made the universally fatal mistake of placing the beans right next to the fried-egg. Disaster beckoned as bean and egg should never be cheek by jowl on the same plate.

They just don't belong together and centuries of diplomatic brokering won't change that, they're too different, too incompatible and are best kept well apart. Admittedly the problem is usually caused by the beans, unless the egg is either a neo-con reactionary or particularly runny.

As soon as the plate is on your table they gather ranks and launch their assault on the unfortunate egg. Massive waves of Communistic baked beans, conformist, disciplined, totally lacking in free-will or individuality, mercilessly plough through everything in their path.

Don't be fooled by that Stalinistic propaganda about the attraction of 57 varieties, H.J. Heinz just made that up in 1896.

They're all the same, completely brainwashed and any dissent smothered in tomato sauce. Even before I can raise my butter knife in defence they start encroaching on the vulnerable outer fringes of my egg-white with totalitarian efficiency. They are ruthless, inhuman monsters who need to be stopped at all costs.

Thank God then for the heroic link sausage, a must for every meal, stalwart and true and ready to stop the rampage of the maddened vegetable hordes.

It's my only real option to thwart the attack and is immediately commissioned into a defensive action placed as a meaty barricade between the two combatants.

This tactic was such a roaring success that I did actually roar in triumph, attracting strange stares from two Japanese tourists leisurely eating pancakes at a corner table.

So the tide of the Red menace was stemmed with the peace-loving, free-range egg being saved from peril. The sausage did it's job remarkably well and was a fine specimen for this mission of mercy. It was thick, strong and at around 4 inches just the right length to dissuade the fiendish swine from sneaking around the side of the plate and conducting the classic military pincer movement.

Beans belong with the meat anyway, many of them are even hermetically sealed together inside a metal container until the great can-opener of liberation grants them their ultimate freedom. Sausages, burgers, bacon, corn beef and even black pudding can all live in harmony with the dreaded bean so why do irresponsible cafes insist on planting them next to the innocent and unassuming eggs, not to mention potato scones or hash browns.

Keep them apart, social polarisation is the only answer, however regrettable that may seem in this multi-cultural age. Some ancient enmities can't be resolved and nor should they, not where beans are concerned, it's an historical truth.

US Senator Joe McCarthy had the right idea in the 1950's. Flush them out, as well as their fellow travelers, expose them for what they are.

A little known fact, kept secret for many years was that the real reason for McCarthy's downfall was his attempt to subpoena a can of spaghetti hoops to his 'House of Un-American Activities' investigation. Needless to say this never happened and was hushed up by officialdom but it ended his career for ever.

The spaghetti hoops were still blacklisted in the USA although they did gain fleeting fame on a British TV commercial. This early success didn't last as they were well past their sell-by date.

Although heavy rock legends Guns n' Roses did later dedicate an entire covers album to their memory when they produced the album 'The Spaghetti Incident' in 1993. How appropriate that an infamous band would remember an infamous pasta.

So remember my friends, the next time you order a fried breakfast, be sure to insist that any beans be contained behind the meat. If need be, bacon slices, hamburgers or flat cut sausages will suffice but ideally the little brutes should be corralled behind the link sausage as it enjoys a distinct height advantage.

Of course, you could refuse the trepidations of the red menace altogether. Chopped tomatoes are harmless enough, or so I'm told.


Photo by muffet @ Flickr Creative Commons
Photo by muffet @ Flickr Creative Commons

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)