Literally Just An Entire Bag of Mini-Marshmallows
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There are some nights when you feel culinarily invincible. You stride proudly into you kitchen ready to take on the most challenging of recipes, masterfully multitasking entrees and sauces and sides to produce a meal that is as healthy as it is pleasing to the palate.
This is not one of those nights.
Perhaps you've just been dumped by a significant other. Maybe you've had an awful, soul-crushing day at the office. It could be that your friends and family are causing you deep personal stress. Or maybe you just have a two-year-old.
Whatever the reason, you're just not feeling it tonight. You need to have something for dinner, but are just not capable of creating it. Cooking is out of the question. Reheated leftovers repulse you. Even ordering in is just too much effort.
You do, however, have that bag of mini-marshmallows in the back of your pantry.
Yes, that will do nicely.
- Prep time: 1 min
- Ready in: 1 min
- Yields: Serves one person and a plethora of self-pity
- 1 bag mini-marshmallows, unopened
- Open the bag by pulling apart the seam on one end. Do not cut open the bag with scissors, as in your current state of mind you should not be handling sharp objects. Just grab the end of that bag and rip. Try to choose the end with the ingredients and Nutrition Facts on it - you really don't want to know either of these pieces of information. If you mangle the bag beyond the point of re-closure, don't worry. You won't be needing it anymore.
- At this point, you may be tempted to pour the mini-marshmallows into a bowl. DO NOT DO THIS. Pouring the mini-marshmallows into a serving bowl utterly violates the letter and spirit of this recipe, which is to literally eat an entire bag of marshmallows right out of the bag. There is one notable exception to this rule, and that is if you pour the mini-marshmallows into a receptacle NOT intended for serving snack food items. See Varieties at the end of this recipe for a list of allowed alternates.
- Carry the open bag to your couch, bed, beanbag gaming chair, or whatever furniture is positioned in front of your television. Find the most insipid reality show, sitcom, or movie you can find. If you find yourself having to think at any point while watching, change the channel.
- At this point in the recipe, some of you may be saying, "but I don't watch TV/don't have cable/don't even own a television set." If this is the case, your personal problems are too vast to be solved by mere marshmallows. If you are one of these sad individuals, you are no longer welcome to continue reading this recipe. The rest of us will wait while you click the Back button at the top of your browser and go look for another article to read that will validate your non-television-watching existence. Bye now!
- Right. Now that they're gone, let's continue.
- Reach into the bag and pull out a handful of mini-marshmallows. Enjoy the soft, fluffy sensation as they squish delightfully between your fingers. Take in the heady aroma of high-fructose corn syrup and imitation vanilla. Note the slightly dusty texture of cornstarch coating the mallowy confections.
- Stuff the whole handful in your mouth.
|Serving size: 10 oz.|
|Calories from Fat||0|
|% Daily Value *|
|Fat 0 g|
|Carbohydrates 216 g||72%|
|Sugar 153 g|
|Sodium 225 mg||9%|
|* The Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet, so your values may change depending on your calorie needs. The values here may not be 100% accurate because the recipes have not been professionally evaluated nor have they been evaluated by the U.S. FDA.|
You may reach a point, about halfway through the bag, when you find your confidence lagging and may even begin to feel doubt in your gustatory abilities. These are merely mental doubt-demons trying to dissuade you from your goal. Ignore them.
At this point in the recipe, you may also begin to feel physically ill. Ignore this as well. Comfort yourself with that fact that it's nothing compared with how awful you will feel tomorrow. If necessary, a glass or four of red wine can help settle your stomach.
Another emotion may begin to surface around 3/4 of the way through the bag - shame. You will look at the 1/4 of a bag of remaining marshmallows and begin to feel shame for what you have done.
Don't fight it. Use this emotion to your advantage - now you have to finish the entire bag just to cover up what you've done. If you're feeling ashamed now, imagine how bad you'll feel if your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/roommate/kids find the 3/4 eaten bag of marshmallows in the cupboard.
You can do this.
If you want to make this recipe but do not currently have a full bag of mini-marshmallows in your pantry, you will need to go out and purchase one. This task may turn out to be slightly more complicated than you expect, as recent advancements in marshmallow technology have vastly expanded the range of shapes and flavors available to the mallow enthusiast.
Mini-marshmallows are now available in flavors such as chocolate, mint chocolate, cinnamon bun, and generic artificial fruit flavor. If you're trying this recipe during a holiday season, the marshmallows may even be available in so-called "festive" shapes such as hearts or bunnies.
You are hereby warned to beware of these impostor marshmallows. They will only lead you to the dark side. Results of this recipe cannot be guaranteed unless the marshmallow used is of the standard vanilla mini cylinder variety.
If you absolutely must pour your marshmallows into an alternate container due to catastrophic bag failure or other marshmallow containment emergency, it may not be a serving dish or bowl. This cannot be stressed enough.
The following is a comprehensive list of allowed alternate containers:
- Frying pan
- Colander - only if it is the cheap plastic variety with a handle
- Oversized beer mug or stein
- Coffeemaker carafe
- Food processor cup - with blade removed
- Your shirt, removed and shaped into a bowl
- Empty Amazon.com shipping box
- An empty bag of potato chips, shaken out to remove crumbs
I'm not going to sugar-coat this for you (no pun intended)(alright, pun intended). You won't feel too great the morning after a meal of Literally Just An Entire Bag Of Mini-Marshmallows. In fact, you might be feeling the aftereffects for a few days afterwards.
However, I think you will agree that it was totally worth it.