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MOM vs CUJO: Why you should never brush your teeth with Preparation H
All You Need is Family
Let me begin by telling you this. Here I am, all grown up and married, finally free of mother and her antics. I am WOMAN hear me ROAR! The only problem with that is… Mother’s ROAR is louder!
It was Christmas 1992; just four months after Hurricane Iniki hit Kauai straight on. The island was well under way of the massive cleanup that would continue for the next 5 years. Fortunately, we didn’t suffer too much personal damage and we were prepared in other areas.
My husband worked for the barge company that was bringing in supplies, machinery, and just about anything that was needed to replenish and clean the island. The barge companies were working 24/7 and I barely saw my husband. With the whole island in disarray, and family members constantly gone doing their part to clean up, emotions and stress were a big factor on the island.
To help ease the stress, we thought it would be a good idea to fly my mom, my aunt (mom’s sister), and my baby brother over to Kauai from the mainland to spend Christmas with us.
It was the Saturday before Christmas and I was hurriedly preparing the house before I had to get to the airport to pick up the happy trio.
I cleaned, and polished, and prepared their rooms. Shopping was done, tree decorated, presents wrapped, and even the dog got a bath. It was going to be a great Christmas! Nothing could ruin it, because I was going to have my family here with me! Nothing could go wrong. Nothing! Ya, right!
MOM vs. CUJO
We all got back to the house, mom and auntie unpacked and I showed them around the house and made sure they were comfortable. I started dinner and waited for hubby to come home.
Once hubby reached home and washed up, we had a wonderful dinner and sat around joking, “talking story”, and even listening to my mom and her sister bicker a little. (Actually, that was a little amusing in itself).
As the evening drew nearer, hubby and I retired to our room to watch a little TV. We heard the “family” getting ready for bed and settling in for the evening.
As we were discussing the next days activities , we heard a loud scream come from the hallway!
Lissssssaaaaaaaa!!!!!! The door burst open and standing there in the doorway was ………CUJO!
With eyes big as pizzas, curlers in her hair, face cream plastered on, toothpaste in her left hand and toothbrush in her right, this 5’2” human being I call “Mother” with rabies had foam gushing out of her mouth as if someone was inside her mouth shooting off a whipped cream can.
“My mouth is on fire”, she yelled, as foam spewed everywhere!
“Wha kina toofpayst ish thish? Mom throws the tube at hubby.
“It woon’t shtop commin!” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. There was foam everywhere!
I asked her where she got the toothpaste, and pointed to the medicine cabinet’s top shelf.
“Mom!, that’s not where I keep the toothpaste!” “The toothpaste is right here on the counter! Plain as the foam coming out of your mouth!”
“I didn’ hov mah glasshes on!, she said. Spitting into the sink, “I hawd a heel of a time tryin to fine jor toofpeeste. (*Spitting) “Whawt da heel”???!!! (*Spitting more and wiping mouth) “Mi mouf fills foony! Ish awl tite!”
I noticed that her speech began to sound really funny and sort of “tight lipped.”
Just then, I heard the loudest roar of laughter come from my bedroom. I ran into the room and I thought hubby was having a seizure. “What? What is it?” My little brother comes in and takes the tube from hubby. My brother begins to laugh uncontrollably!
“Your *laughter* *cough* mother just *laughter* brushed her teeth *cough cough laughter* with *laughing hysterically* Preparation “H”!!!!!” (Hubby falls off the bed laughing)
“What?”, cried mother. “Thash impooshible!!!”
There it was; the bright blue and yellow tube; “Guaranteed to shrink your hole!”
Trying to hold in my laughter and be the good daughter that I’m supposed to be, I called the 800 Hotline Poison Control Center.
Conversation with Poison Control
Poison Control Advisor (Very serious voice): This is the Poison Control Center, how may I help you?
Me: Hello, how are you? *chuckling* Merry Christmas!
Poison Control Advisor (Very serious voice): Thank you. How may I help you?
Me: Well, *slight chuckle under my breath* my mother has seemed to have brushed her teeth *chuckle* with..um.. Preparation “H” *laughing a little harder*
Poison Control Advisor (Very serious voice): Where is she now, Ma’am?
Me: *laughing* She’s in the bathroom rinsing her mouth *laughing* but the more she rinses the more foam it produces.
Just then mom looks up at me and I swear if I wouldn’t have seen her eyes, I swear I was looking at the back end of a turkey!
Me: *laughing* Her mouth just puckered shut!
Poison Control Advisor (Very serious voice): Ma’am, do you have any popsicles?
Me: Yes, but what does that have to do with my mom’s puckered mouth?
Poison Control Advisor (Very serious voice): Ma’am, your mother needs to suck on one. Tell your mother to go suck it now!
Me: “Mom!” the Advisor said to go suck it!”
Mom: Suck what?
(Hubby and brother are now having a hard time breathing from laughing so hard)
Me: A Popsicle!
Aunt: Can I have one too? I’m in the mood for a popsicle!
Poison Control Advisor (Very serious voice): Ma’am, she also needs to drink cold milk.
Me: “Mom, drink cold milk too!”
Aunt: I hate milk!
Me: I don’t care auntie!
Poison Control Advisor (Very serious voice): Is she sucking and drinking?
Me: “Mom, are you sucking and drinking?”
Mom: At the same time?
Aunt: I used to date a guy who could do that!
(Hubby and brother still on floor… no help whatsoever!)
Me: No, just drink the milk and then suck on the popsicle! *laughing*
Me: How long does she have to suck and drink?
Poison Control Advisor (Very serious voice): Until the burning subsides. You will need to let her know that the Preparation “H” most likely burnt her taste buds, so she won’t be able to taste anything for about a week.
Me: Thank you, I will tell her that. Merry Christmas!
Poison Control Advisor (Very serious voice): Be sure to have her see a Dr. if the burning persists. Merry Christmas and good luck.
Me: Trust me! I will need it when I tell her that she won’t be able to taste the turkey!
Mom and auntie are sitting in the living room sucking on popsicles, hubby and brother are both now passed out on floor from laughter exhaustion.
I’m thinking that the hurricane was nothing compared to this!
*note: no mothers or animals were injured in any way!
Yummy Whipped Cream Topping
Use this sweetened whipped cream topping for cream pie topping or serve with gingerbread, cobbler, or other desserts.
- 1 cup heavy cream
- 1/4 cup sugar
- 1 teaspoon vanilla
- Whip cream until almost stiff. Add sugar and vanilla; beat until cream holds peaks. Spread over top of cooled pie or dollop on bread pudding, gingerbread, cobblers, or other desserts.
Keep Laughing! More "MOM" Hubs!
About the Author
Lisa has directed and acted in musical theatre for nearly 30 years. Her musical upbringing allowed her to pursue her career in teaching and directing and continues to direct shows today. As the owner of 2 online Home Décor sites, Lisa’s passion for Rustic Living all begins with her love for the home, outdoors, and her many hobbies. Lisa loves to laugh, and she share’s that love through her comedic hubs centered on her MOM. Lisa’s passions include writing, directing, acting, photography, singing, cooking, crafts, gardening, and home improvement, including decorating. Lisa also writes under her penned name, Elizabeth Rayen.
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