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Mom and the Great Shakedown: Why You Never Let a Strange Man Play with Your Zipper
I'm turning 16...a car? a Trip? nooo.. My Mother!
It appears that I have gotten some attention with my “Mom and Split Pea Soup” Hub.
I have to admit that it was fun “writing down memory lane” with that one. After I received so many inspiring comments from you, I’ve decided to share a little more of the antics that my brothers and I had to endure while trying to raise our mother.
I'd like to introduce to you MOM Part II, MOM and the Great Shakedown: Why You Should NEVER let a Strange Man Play with Your Zipper!
This particular fiasco was during my sixteenth birthday. That’s right, sixteen years old and she dared to “Do it again!!!!” Why God? Why?
In the Split Pea Soup Hub, I did confess that my mother was pretty darn good at surprises. Like the “taking-you somewhere-on-the-spur-of-the-moment” kind of surprises, and my birthday was just another opportunity for my wonderful mother to pull off one of her "surprises." If only that would have been all she pulled off!
April 5, 1975
Now I realize I’m going to date myself here, however, it must be done.
My infamous birthday surprise began with attending the opening of the BRAND NEW, Sen-surround Sound Mega Motion Picture…… “EARTHQUAKE!”
Let's have a moment of awe-inspiring and laughing silence on just how far technology has come to the movie industry since “Earthquake.”
(I feel as if I’m hearing a big “WHO?” from some of my readers!) It’s ok my lovelies, someday you too will try to explain to your grandchildren who Robert Pattinson is!
This movie was all that my mother talked about for weeks! She wanted to take me to the opening at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre to see the biggest sensation since frozen bananas!
I have to admit that I was pretty excited myself.
Sweet Sixteen Nightmare Begins
The big day was here. We got all dressed up for the 1 ½ hour drive to the theatre. Mom got the Camaro washed the day before so we were looking finnnnne! The weatherman had mentioned that it may be a little chilly that evening, so we decided to wear our coats to keep us warm.
Now, my mom was a self-proclaimed fashion guru back then. She loved clothes and loved to buy them. One of the many things she enjoyed wearing were her “suede coats of many colors.”
Ohhhhh yes.. you know exactly what I’m talking about! No? Well let me refresh your memory.
Think back…back.. back to the 70’s! The most popular jackets out there for women were these form-fitting, down to the hip suede jackets that had fake fur around the collar, around the cuffs, and around the hem, and a great big zipper up the front. To make it even more fashionable, they came in an array of colors; China blue, crimson red, olive green, earthy brown, golden sun, and oh yes, let’s not forget DUSTY MAUVE! I bet you just had a little bad taste in your mouth, didn't you? Well, my mother had one in every color! (Another story)
She chose to wear the China blue one for my big night.
1974 Epic Movie "Earthquake"
Let the Party Begin!
Forty-five minutes into our drive to the theatre, it began to rain. Let me rephrase that. It began to POUR! By the time we reached the theatre, the gutters were flooded. Mom parked across the street from the theatre in a Pay Parking Lot. On the count of three, we jumped out of the car and ran across the street to the theatre.
Because of the rain, they opened the doors early and began to let everyone in. Our seats were 6 rows down from the top, on the left side of the isle, and the third and fourth seats in from the end. As we took our seats, I noticed that there were two empty seats to my left and then a gentleman and his wife were sitting in the next two seats after that. Mom was on my right, closest to the isle.
Ten minutes before the movie is to start, mom, all of a sudden developed a bad case of claustrophobia and had to take her coat off.
She stood up and proceeded to unzip the coat that she zipped all the way up to her neck to keep warm.
The one thing about these popular "Straight Jackets", is if you aren't paying attention, the inevitable may happen. As mom was pulling the zipper down, it suddenly stopped mid chest, and got caught from the fur on her cuff. She wasn't able to move her right hand to free the zipper so I stood up to assist her. I managed to pull the zipper back up again to free her cuff, but it wouldn't go past the initial stopping point because of “fur remains” that were left behind.
Up and down, up and down, up a little, then down a little were the continuous motions as I attempted to release my mother from her bondage of suede and fur. However, the more I zipped the less it would unzip and refuse to go past “fur blockage”! By now, mom was getting a little panicky and you could see the beads of perspiration beginning to form around her lips.
I sat down helpless and frustrated and told her that she needs to leave it on for the movie and we will deal with it later. Well THAT didn't go over too well! “Oh Fine,” she said. “YOU be comfortable, I’m only your MOTHER!” Oh for God’s sake! "Did SHE just really say that?"
With practiced guilt-face, I began to stand up again for my final attempt to pry her free, the man sitting to my left stood up and offered to come to her rescue.
“May I be of some assistance?”, said the Super Hero. My mother with the most syrupy voice answered, “Oh Thank you! You most certainly may”.
Super Hero to the Rescue
Mom is 5’2”, “Super Hero” was approximately 6’, and birthday girl was 3’ (sunken into the seat thanking God the theater was dimly lit).
“Super Hero” moved closer to my mom as she did him, which positioned them right smack in the middle of my sight line to the Big Screen! (Are you kidding me!)
Trying a few times to loosen the zipper the same way I attempted to do so, didn't prove to be any better. Well DUH! “Super Hero” moved it up and down, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, always stopping at the fur and never able to go any “Fur”ther.
Then “Super Hero” got a brilliant idea. (Super Heroes are infamous for “Brilliant Ideas”)
He would stand on his tip toes to make him taller and to give him more leverage in hopes of pulling the zipper all the way down this time.
Up on his toes we went as he instructed mother to squat down a little. She quickly obeyed. “Super Hero” then pulled the zipper down, and this time it went a little past the fur line! Then, with a gleam in his eye, I could have sworn he stood there with his chest out and hands on hips as he shouted in a Dudley Do-right voice, “Don't worry Ma'am.. I'll Save you!”
He then instructed my mother to squat a little lower as his plan was to pull it up really fast and then back down to its final destination!
He reached down, and with one firm grip on her zipper, he yanked it up faster than a speeding bullet! Then with all the flair he could muster up, he proceeded to pull it down for the final time, only to discover that it wasn't going anywhere. The dumb ass got his tie stuck in my mother’s zipper!!!!!!
There they were, standing right smack in front of me, blocking the entire screen. I couldn't even see the seats in front of me. All I could see were two torsos jumping up and down trying to break free from the jaws of the zipper!
Now, other patrons behind us began yelling for them to sit down! The previews were showing now! Oh my God! I can’t believe what is happening right in front of me! Lower into my seat I went.
“Sir! Sit down please! We can’t see the screen!”, came from 4 rows back. “Just a minute, I’m trying to get free of her zipper!”, “Super Hero” exclaimed.
With one final effort, a jump or two and a yank, my mother’s zipper was down, the “Super Hero” was free and I wanted to die.
Mom took off her coat as the man went back to his wife, and with all the humility and thanks she could pull together, she said, “Thank you so much for helping me!”
Just then, the wife leaned forward and replied in a loud “Super Hero wife’s voice”,
“Oh, He’s great with zippers!"
Preparation and Blend Time
The BEST Chocolate Peanut Butter Shake for Adults
- 1 cup Creamy Peanut Butter
- 2 cups Snickers ice cream (or chocolate, vanilla, etc.)
- ¼ cup Chocolate Syrup
- ¼ cup Milk
- 12 Ice cubes
- ¼ cup Frangelico or ¼ cup Amaretto or ¼ cup Godiva original chocolate liqueur
- Added Options Whipped Cream - Berries - Shaved Chocolate - Caramel Sauce
- In a blender, combine ice cream, **liqueur, peanut butter, chocolate syrup, milk and ice cubes. ***(Liqueurs can be added one at a time or combined. They are also optional*)
- Blend until smooth.
- Pour into glasses and serve with a straw.
- You can garnish with whipped cream, fresh berries, caramel sauce and/or shaved chocolate.
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About the Author
Lisa has directed and acted in musical theatre for nearly 30 years. Her musical upbringing allowed her to pursue her career in teaching and directing and continues to direct shows today. As the owner of 2 online Home Décor sites, Lisa’s passion for Rustic Living all begins with her love for the home, outdoors, and her many hobbies. Lisa loves to laugh, and she share’s that love through her comedic hubs centered on her MOM. Lisa’s passions include writing, directing, acting, photography, singing, cooking, crafts, gardening, and home improvement, including decorating. Lisa also writes under her penned name, Elizabeth Rayen.
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