Pizza and Doughnuts
Pizza and Doughnuts
By Wes J. Pimentel
There is a phenomenon in human behavior that I believe is the perfect testament to just how powerful the power of suggestion really is; our inability to refuse whatever gruel life dispenses to us simply because of the label attached to it. No two food items illustrate this fact better than pizza and doughnuts
If you haven’t noticed by now, no matter what form “pizza” and “doughnuts” take people will consume them en masse without regard for either their intestinal or cardiovascular health. It’s ridiculous. Since being a big fat-ass has become one of our national pastimes, I think it’s only fitting I dedicate a little space to each of these delicacies and finish up with some other examples of “foods” that people will eat simply because of their names.
Pizza. We all love it, but there must be a point at which substandard food items randomly strewn together cease to be pizza and start being shit. I mean, what’s the minimum requirement here? Flatness? The presence of a dairy-based substance similar to cheese? Off-white color? What? At what point do we say, “Hold on! This is NOT pizza. This is flat shit.” Obviously never. As long as it’s flat and whitish, we’re good. Throw a couple globs of any meat-colored substance on top and BAM! Irresistible. I’d like to find the guy who invented pizza, probably some 17th century master Italian chef, and show him what a couple hundred years in America can do to a recipe.
Doughnuts. Same thing. I think the only requirements for these little babies are roundness, unnatural colors and a hole. You find me a purple round thing, pop a hole in it and I’ll eat it. Sit it by some free coffee and it’s a wrap. With a set up like that you can even skip the hole. Sometimes I feel like we’re just a bunch of Homer Simpsons drooling over just the mention of certain foods. I’m going to do an experiment some day. I’m going to take ground cardboard and water – that’s it. I’ll make rings out of it, fry ‘em up and put icing on top. I’ll make some coffee and set it all out (preferably at the back of a church, or an AA meeting), and I guarantee people will not only stuff their undiscerning faces with them, they’ll go up to each other and nonchalantly say things like, “You know, they have doughnuts back there.” Ya gotta love Americans.
So, that’s pizza and doughnuts, but there are a couple of other foods out there that deserve an honorable mention. I’ve selected two – beer and French fries. With beer it’s gotta be the alcohol, because it can’t be the taste. Remember the first time you tried beer? Yeah, it doesn’t taste good, we just learn to like it because it’s cheap and it made the social obstacles to sex disappear when you were in high school. So, if it makes you drunk and it’s got bubbles we’re good. Serve it up. It doesn’t even have to be cold. Ever drank warm beer? Me, too. It’s horrible. Would you ever drink it again? Me, too.
OK, French fries, or “freedom fries” if you’re a mindless idiot. Here’s how you know we’ll eat “fries” no matter what that label is attached to: Think about the best fries you’ve ever had. Golden brown, flaky outside, warm, soft and delicious inside, with that perfect level of saltiness. They don’t even need ketchup, they’re so good. Now, think about the worst. Soggy, greasy, off-white, bland, desperately in need of rescue by ketchup and salt. But, you ate ‘em anyway, didn’t you? Especially if they came with a burger, because eating a burger without fries would be as un-American as refusing beer.
So, there you have it folks, the placebo effect. If I tell you it’s pizza – it’s pizza. Regardless of the ingredients, the flavor, or how it was created. This is how weak we are. Welcome to humanity. Can I buy you a warm, flat beer? I thought so.