- Food and Cooking
How to Make Quick and Easy Homemade Doughnuts
Did somebody say homemade doughnuts? Hell yeah I did! Now before you say "screw that noise" and spend half an hour surfing the Interwebs looking at pictures proving that cats are liquids, hear me out. This is a shortcut method. Think of this as the lazy person's guide to getting even fatter. I'm no Ina Garten. I'm regular people, looking for the shortest distance between point A and stuffing fried dough into my face hole.
Are you with me? Let's get started.
What You'll Need
- Tubes of biscuit dough (Plural. Are you in this or not?)
- Oil (I don't give a flying **** which kind. Pick your favorite.)
- Powdered sugar (It has to be powdered. If I have to explain why, I can't help you.)
Optional (if you want to make a glaze):
- Vanilla (Extract, bitches.)
- Lemon juice (From Concentrate. For instructions on using fresh squeezed lemon juice, fashion a lace doily into gloves for your delicate fingers and Google "Martha Stewart's Guide to Overcomplicated Shit." Seriously, you're on the wrong ****ing website.)
Step One: Heat the Oil.
Pour some oil in a pan. Heat it on medium-high.
That's all there is to this step.
But I need to add more text to balance with the picture on the right.
Thank you for taking this journey with me.
Step Two: Pop a Biscuit Tube.
Don't act like you need detailed instructions for this. If you are reading a shortcut method for making doughnuts, you are familiar with biscuits in a tube. Pop that shit open.
Bonus points if you scare the shit out of your dog when the tube goes "Pop!"
Step Three: Cut Out a Hole.
Doughnuts have to have a hole in them. Otherwise they are beignet's or some gooey filled abomination that I don't even want to discuss here. In my America, a doughnut has a ****ing hole in the middle. End of story.
Step Four: Save the Doughnut Holes.
Do you like doughnut holes? Wait a minute, I forgot my audience for a second. Of course you do!
Save that shit to make delicious counterfeit Munchkins®. Don't market and sell them and Dunkin' Donuts probably won't sue you. That's free legal advice you didn't even expect when you started reading this. That's called a "value-add." You're welcome.
Step ????: I Don't Feel Like Scrolling Up.
Is it me, or is this shortcut method taking too many steps to explain? Holy Hell.
Step Fry: Fry it Up!
Gently lay each doughnut and doughnut hole into the oil. Lay it down. Gently. AWAY from you. Seriously. Reenact the scene from the beginning of the Raiders of the Lost Ark if you have to, where Indiana Jones replaces the golden idol with a sack of sand.
Step Flip: ROTATE!
When you can see the bottom of each doughnut getting browned, use your fingers to gently SWEET AND SALTY JESUS CHRIST! ****! ****! ****!!!!
When you can see the bottom of each doughnut getting browned, use a fork to gently turn each doughnut to ensure browning on both sides.
Step Finish Cooking the Goddamn Doughnuts.
Once they are cooked on the other side, transfer them to a wire rack.
If you don't have a wire rack, I understand. I've been there. I used to be a single guy too. Just put them on a paper towel on a cookie sheet.
Hahahahaha! Sorry. A paper towel on a plate. A paper plate.
Step Apply Powdered Sugar
Where is the Goddamn sifter? Wait, what is it called? Sieve? Collander? Whatever it's called I can't find it.
Use your fingers to sprinkle powdered sugar onto the freshly fried doughnuts.
Step Pro-Tip: GLAZED GOODNESS!
You know that powdered sugar we've been talking about? You can add a liquid to it (e.g., milk) and make a sugary glaze.
I know, right? This shit just got super fancy up in here.
Step Flavor Yo' Shit!
If you want favored glaze, you can add a little bit of lemon juice (concentrate) or vanilla (extract) to your glaze. If you need to know specific measurements, then I don't need to know you.
Stir it up. Pour it on.
Step Dip It.
Once you realize that pouring the glaze doesn't work as well in real life as it did in your head, pour some glaze into a bowl or onto a plate and dip the doughnut into it.
OMG! You just made homemade doughnuts! Email everyone you know. Figure out ways to casually work it into the conversation with co-workers next week. You are full of AWESOME!
When your wife complains about the mess in the kitchen, just tell her you are a groan man who can cook is his own kitchen if he wants and to get off your back.
HAHAHAHAhahaha! Of course you don't say that. You say, "Yes Dear. I will clean this up right away." Because you pick your battles. And homemade doughnuts just aren't worth that shit.
For more smart-ass recipes, try Creamy Ranch Macaroni and Cheese and How to Make Homemade Sweet Tea Vodka and Cocktails.