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How to Make Quick and Easy Homemade Doughnuts

Updated on July 19, 2017
It's like going to the state fair, without paying $25 to win a stuffed bear that was some Carny's pillow last night.
It's like going to the state fair, without paying $25 to win a stuffed bear that was some Carny's pillow last night.

Did somebody say homemade doughnuts? Hell yeah I did! Now before you say "screw that noise" and spend half an hour surfing the Interwebs looking at pictures proving that cats are liquids, hear me out. This is a shortcut method. Think of this as the lazy person's guide to getting even fatter. I'm no Ina Garten. I'm regular people, looking for the shortest distance between point A and stuffing fried dough into my face hole.

Are you with me? Let's get started.

If your wife tries to trick you by using a label maker and putting "Confectioner's Sugar" on a plastic tub in the cubbard, don't be fooled. That shit is powdered sugar.  Also, use Perpetual Vanilla if you want your doughnuts to taste pretentious.
If your wife tries to trick you by using a label maker and putting "Confectioner's Sugar" on a plastic tub in the cubbard, don't be fooled. That shit is powdered sugar. Also, use Perpetual Vanilla if you want your doughnuts to taste pretentious.

What You'll Need

  • Tubes of biscuit dough (Plural. Are you in this or not?)
  • Oil (I don't give a flying **** which kind. Pick your favorite.)
  • Powdered sugar (It has to be powdered. If I have to explain why, I can't help you.)

Optional (if you want to make a glaze):

  • Vanilla (Extract, bitches.)
  • Lemon juice (From Concentrate. For instructions on using fresh squeezed lemon juice, fashion a lace doily into gloves for your delicate fingers and Google "Martha Stewart's Guide to Overcomplicated Shit." Seriously, you're on the wrong ****ing website.)

Action shot!  And check out the reflection in the oil of the oil being poured.  That's some artistic shit right there.  Eat your ****ing heart out, Pioneer Woman.
Action shot! And check out the reflection in the oil of the oil being poured. That's some artistic shit right there. Eat your ****ing heart out, Pioneer Woman.

Step One: Heat the Oil.

Pour some oil in a pan. Heat it on medium-high.


That's all there is to this step.


But I need to add more text to balance with the picture on the right.


Thank you for taking this journey with me.





Make sure your thumb jabs at least one biscuit. I know the instructions say to use a spoon, but what are you, a sissy? Plus, I'm assuming all your spoons are in the un-run dishwasher even though you promised your wife you'd start it last night.
Make sure your thumb jabs at least one biscuit. I know the instructions say to use a spoon, but what are you, a sissy? Plus, I'm assuming all your spoons are in the un-run dishwasher even though you promised your wife you'd start it last night.

Step Two: Pop a Biscuit Tube.

Don't act like you need detailed instructions for this. If you are reading a shortcut method for making doughnuts, you are familiar with biscuits in a tube. Pop that shit open.

Bonus points if you scare the shit out of your dog when the tube goes "Pop!"

Beer bottle caps are perfect for jumbo biscuits.  IPA's are preferred.  You can substitute your favorite beer style, the doughnuts just won't be as good.
Beer bottle caps are perfect for jumbo biscuits. IPA's are preferred. You can substitute your favorite beer style, the doughnuts just won't be as good.

Step Three: Cut Out a Hole.

Doughnuts have to have a hole in them. Otherwise they are beignet's or some gooey filled abomination that I don't even want to discuss here. In my America, a doughnut has a ****ing hole in the middle. End of story.

Take the bottle cap shaped dough and roll it in your hands if you need things to be perfect.  Then go replace the air filters in your HVAC system for fun, because you're dead inside.
Take the bottle cap shaped dough and roll it in your hands if you need things to be perfect. Then go replace the air filters in your HVAC system for fun, because you're dead inside.

Step Four: Save the Doughnut Holes.

Do you like doughnut holes? Wait a minute, I forgot my audience for a second. Of course you do!

Save that shit to make delicious counterfeit Munchkins®. Don't market and sell them and Dunkin' Donuts probably won't sue you. That's free legal advice you didn't even expect when you started reading this. That's called a "value-add." You're welcome.

If you don't see a dessicated Skittle from 1910 on your countertop, throw everything away and start over.
If you don't see a dessicated Skittle from 1910 on your countertop, throw everything away and start over.

Step ????: I Don't Feel Like Scrolling Up.

Is it me, or is this shortcut method taking too many steps to explain? Holy Hell.

Aren't you proud?  I'm proud of you.  Enjoy that feeling.  You've earned it.
Aren't you proud? I'm proud of you. Enjoy that feeling. You've earned it.

Step Fry: Fry it Up!

Gently lay each doughnut and doughnut hole into the oil. Lay it down. Gently. AWAY from you. Seriously. Reenact the scene from the beginning of the Raiders of the Lost Ark if you have to, where Indiana Jones replaces the golden idol with a sack of sand.


You can also use chopsticks if you ordered Chinese takeout the night before.
You can also use chopsticks if you ordered Chinese takeout the night before.

Step Flip: ROTATE!

When you can see the bottom of each doughnut getting browned, use your fingers to gently SWEET AND SALTY JESUS CHRIST! ****! ****! ****!!!!

When you can see the bottom of each doughnut getting browned, use a fork to gently turn each doughnut to ensure browning on both sides.

This picture depicts several levels of "doneness", from slightly overcooked to slightly undercooked.  Intentionally.  On purpose.  Shut up.
This picture depicts several levels of "doneness", from slightly overcooked to slightly undercooked. Intentionally. On purpose. Shut up.

Step Finish Cooking the Goddamn Doughnuts.

Once they are cooked on the other side, transfer them to a wire rack.

If you don't have a wire rack, I understand. I've been there. I used to be a single guy too. Just put them on a paper towel on a cookie sheet.

Hahahahaha! Sorry. A paper towel on a plate. A paper plate.

If your kitchen doesn't look like Tony Montana's desk from Scarface, you're doing it wrong.
If your kitchen doesn't look like Tony Montana's desk from Scarface, you're doing it wrong.

Step Apply Powdered Sugar

Where is the Goddamn sifter? Wait, what is it called? Sieve? Collander? Whatever it's called I can't find it.

Use your fingers to sprinkle powdered sugar onto the freshly fried doughnuts.

If it doesn't seem thick enough, add more powdered sugar.  Everything in life is better with more powdered sugar. That last sentence is certified by SCIENCE.
If it doesn't seem thick enough, add more powdered sugar. Everything in life is better with more powdered sugar. That last sentence is certified by SCIENCE.

Step Pro-Tip: GLAZED GOODNESS!

You know that powdered sugar we've been talking about? You can add a liquid to it (e.g., milk) and make a sugary glaze.

I know, right? This shit just got super fancy up in here.

Dribble that flavor into your glaze, gangsta style.
Dribble that flavor into your glaze, gangsta style.

Step Flavor Yo' Shit!

If you want favored glaze, you can add a little bit of lemon juice (concentrate) or vanilla (extract) to your glaze. If you need to know specific measurements, then I don't need to know you.

Stir it up. Pour it on.

Sop up that glaze like a biscuit.  See what I did there?  Because the doughnut is made from a biscuit.  Don't act like that isn't clever as shit. I know this looks like the floor of a pornographic theater, but trust me.
Sop up that glaze like a biscuit. See what I did there? Because the doughnut is made from a biscuit. Don't act like that isn't clever as shit. I know this looks like the floor of a pornographic theater, but trust me.

Step Dip It.

Once you realize that pouring the glaze doesn't work as well in real life as it did in your head, pour some glaze into a bowl or onto a plate and dip the doughnut into it.

I forgot to take a picture of the plate of doughnuts when they were done, but needed a picture to balance out the text. So I picked this to connote a sense of relaxed contemplation at a job well done. Enjoy my hairy-ass legs and feet. Bon appetit!
I forgot to take a picture of the plate of doughnuts when they were done, but needed a picture to balance out the text. So I picked this to connote a sense of relaxed contemplation at a job well done. Enjoy my hairy-ass legs and feet. Bon appetit!

Step Enjoy!

OMG! You just made homemade doughnuts! Email everyone you know. Figure out ways to casually work it into the conversation with co-workers next week. You are full of AWESOME!

When your wife complains about the mess in the kitchen, just tell her you are a groan man who can cook is his own kitchen if he wants and to get off your back.

HAHAHAHAhahaha! Of course you don't say that. You say, "Yes Dear. I will clean this up right away." Because you pick your battles. And homemade doughnuts just aren't worth that shit.

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    • profile image

      Bryan 2 years ago

      Dude, icing! Just get a tub or tubs of your favorite flavor when you get the biscuit dough. Get some sprinkles, too. Both will be on the cake mix aisle.

    • Lilleyth profile image

      Suzanne Sheffield 3 years ago from Mid-Atlantic

      Hilarious!