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The Ten Best Sodas of ALL TIME!
Enough is enough, and it's time for a...non Lucha Underground column. Don't get me wrong, the last few days have been fun talking LU (and a big thank you to all the people that helped make this my most successful week largely due to reading LU related columns), but I can't talk the Temple all the time. It'll lose the meaning quicker than Jurassic World lost its own meaning. Seriously, am I the only one who thought that movie was severely underwhelming? It had some good performances, some good ideas and was entertaining to some degree. But man, I haven't seen that much left on the table since Hugo. Which is saying something, because Hugo might be the most overrated work of art not named NCIS of the last 30 years. You owe my friend and I $20 Scorsese!
But enough about bad children's films, let's get to the subject at hand. Which is, for the second time in a week, soda. Last week, you'll recall I wrote a riveting debate column on whether Pepsi or Coca-Cola was the king of the soft drink world (or at least the king of the Cola battle). Tonight, I'm going to take things even deeper than that by naming the greatest soda of all time. Everything from Cola to Orange to Lemon Lime to Citrus to...anything is eligible for this, although only ten sodas were fortunate enough to make the cut. As per usual, I must remind you that this list is simply my opinion on the best soda and that it doesn't actually make it fact (hell, it doesn't even make the best soda my favorite soda. Spoiler alert!). Also, if you're favorite soda is left out, you'll still be able to vote for it on the poll below and have your voice be heard! Just food for thought in case you decide to freak out like The Bride when that big trucker guy is trying to rape her after she just got out of the coma in Kill Bill. Oh yes, I'll also be watching Kill Bill while doing this; get ready for those memes. ON WITH THE SHOW!
10. Dr. Pepper
This entry is proof that this list is for the best soda and not my favorite soda. Why? Because I absolutely, positively loathe Dr. Pepper. Its combination of what seemingly is several hundred flavors (all of which are as appealing as getting hit in the balls Casino Royale style) has never done anything for me other than give me the Peyton Manning face. Alas, I'm in the minority here because almost everyone I know actually likes Dr. Pepper and thinks it's one of the best soft drinks in the world. Thus, it gets on here at number ten. Excuse me while I go sob uncontrollably in the corner.
9. Fanta Orange
Let's be real here; there's no such thing as a bad orange soda. Certainly some are better than others, but so is pizza, and other than Papa Ginos there's no such thing as a bad version of that either. Fanta's Orange soda, the best of their average products (fight me people!), is proof of this. Is it Orange Crush, Sunkist or even the mythical Minute Maid Orange soda that exists now only in Rose Dawson's memory? Not entirely (two of them, as you'll see, are clearly better), but that doesn't mean it doesn't kick ass. Which it does, with a nice orange taste that goes down smoothly. Basically, Fanta Orange is like the Coke of Orange sodas; it's not your favorite, but you still like it and you're not saying no to it if it's the only option in the straight edge mini-fridge. Now if only they'd can those terrible "DON'T YOU WANNA FANTA?!" commercials. They're worse than those over the top blood sprinklers Tarantino uses in Volume 1!
8. Mug Root Beer
Note; if Union Station Brewery in Rhode Island actually sold their homemade root beer as product, it would not only be on this list but it be in the top five. Alas, it's not, and thus it only gets a quick mention in this section about the best of the root beer bunch. In regards to root beer, it's not like there's a huge difference here between the Mug's, Barq's and A&W's of the world (other than my grandmother is a huge fan of A&W's restaurants). So why Mug over the other two? Simple; smoothness. The other two are smooth, but they're like Smooth Criminal smooth, which is not only a term I just came up with, but it's also something that isn't that smooth. Mug however is super smooth, with a great taste to go with it. That's a lethal combination here that gives it the rub over its competitors in the root beer field.
7. Orange Crush
If you had asked me this question a few years ago, Orange Crush would be an undisputed top five choice and the best orange soda in the history of the western hemisphere. What changed? While Orange Crush still maintains the high quality of its cult run during the 90s (before it strangely disappeared from Rhode Island, because life sucks), I must say it's slipped a bit. There's in fact been a few occasions when I've gotten it and the taste is less orangey and more intense sugar with a tiny hint of orange. Not good, not good at all. For that reason, the Crush falls down a bit to seventh, a move that hurts me more than it hurts them. Perhaps this will start a Kill Bill esq revenge tale where Orange Crush runs through all Coke products before it kills Sunkist with the purple nurple of death. Yes, that's what I'm calling the five point exploding heart technique. I don't care how cool it is; the only thing separating that from a purple nurple is Tarantino not using the term!
The greatest lemon and lime soda ever invented (sorry Sierra Mist; you're good, but you're not Sprite good), and other than Coke and Pepsi, probably the most consistent soda on the list. Seriously, is there anything more reliable than Sprite? It's always there as an option, it's the perfect drink when you don't want plain old Cola or a more exotic style (citrus, orange, root beer, ect.) and you're never, ever going to be let down by it. Well, unless you have the LeBron Sprite, but seeing as that's dead last with Crystal Pepsi, we're not going to talk about it are we?
Only at number five because it's been so long since I've actually had one! Who knows where we'd be if I lived in a place where the Surge can revival was going on? In any event, Coke's answer to Mountain Dew is very underrated; those who remember it will recall it was armed with some explosive, energetic flavor in its own right. That, and the fact that even a poor man's Mountain Dew would be a top contender for this list (and Surge is no poor man's Mountain Dew, believe you me) help Surge take its cult soda presence into the top five. Basically, Surge is the Gogo of sodas; bad to the bone, cool, full of layers and not around nearly as long as she should've been. Seriously, they had to kill her off before the rest of the Crazy 88's arrived? Why not save her as the final boss before O-Ren dammit?!
With Orange Crush falling just a tad, Sunkist steps in to take its place as the king of the orange soda. And why not? Unlike Orange Crush, which will have a bad bottle, Sunkist is always crisp, always tasty, and always consistently with orange flavor. The only reason it's fourth is because Sunkist doesn't have the history of our next three choices. And there's no shame in that, considering the next three are the Arrieta, Rizzo and Bryant of sodas.
The old standard, the classic, the no doubt Hall of Famer, the soda that you likely lost your soft drink virginity to. Excuse me while I now go away forever in shame because of that joke.
Alright where was I? Oh yes, Coke is the third best. As I detailed last week, Coke is just fine, which is both a reason it's here at number three and a reason it isn't higher. Like Sprite, it's consistent, it's always available and you will never turn it down if offered. That said, it's still not the best tasting soda, it's still not (in my opinion) the best Cola product you can find, and its biggest claim to the number one spot isn't the quality of the product but the history of the name. That's enough to get you to number three, but not quite number one. Sorry Coke. At least I didn't insult your Vanilla Coke side product the way I did Crystal Pepsi or LeBron Sprite. Although perhaps mentioning it in the same sentence constitutes for an insult.
And we've reached my favorite soda on the list at the same time The Bride scalps O-Ren! Gotta love it when cool movie moments intersect with you're writing (except when it's Starship Troopers. SQUINT BUSEY SQUINT!). While there's certainly debate about whether Pepsi or Coke is better for the masses, I've been and always will be in favor of the famous Globe. It's just got a more complete taste to me! So why isn't it number one? Well, because a) it's Cola, a flavor that isn't exactly the most exciting thing in the world and b) it isn't the number one entry. Which is...
1. Mountain Dew
...everyone's favorite citrus soda that they discovered while watching The X-Games for the first time! And really, it's a no brainer. I'll always enjoy Pepsi a tad more than Mountain Dew, but when it comes to the complete drink, there's no denying that the Dean Ambrose to Pepsi's Roman Reigns is just tops. It's got a killer taste, it immediately gives you a jolt; it's just different, which is refreshing in a field where things are largely the same. At the end of the day, you're not doing any better than Mountain Dew. Which is almost as painful for me to say as I'm sure it was for Bill to put The Bride down in that church. Maybe this Channing Tatum Mountain Dew commercial will make me feel better!
That'll do it sports fans! Hope you're now going out to buy your favorite soft drink. Special thanks to my buddies Sub and "Gamblin" Matt Mortensen for actually helping me come up with this list. Who knew people liked to have soda discussions?! I'll be back later with...who the hell knows? It'll be good! Till then, view this kayfabe breaking video that slowly makes your world burn!
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