The Incredible Celery Plant
Celery Secrets Revealed
Few people are aware of the incredible impact of celery in the success of our armed forces. Not only does celery constitute a delicious battlefield treat, but this remarkable vegetable also possesses properties that had remained a secret until decorated U.S. General Herman J. Throckmorton discovered the use of this vegetable in the defense of ancient Greek City-States.
Celery Contributed to the Protection and Dissemination of Western Democracy
Greek Defense of Thermopylae Allowed Greek Democracy to Survive and Influence the Development of Democracy Throughout the Western World
Few historians dispute the role of 300 heroic Spartans in delaying the advance of Persian hordes more than two centuries ago through the narrow canyons of Thermopylae. This delay allowed Athenian and Spartan generals the time to mobilize both nautical and land forces and drive the Persians from Greek lands. The subsequent survival of Greek democracy provided models of democratic structures that have influenced development of democracy over the centuries to the present time.
What had not been known prior to General Throckmorton's discovery of ancient Greek texts is that much of the delay of Persian forces was attributed to tons of slippery celery stalks that were laid in the path of advancing Persian forces. Said General Throckmorton, "When those Persian guys fell all over the celery, the Spartans moved in and finished 'em off."
Celery Was Instrumental in U.S. Persian Gulf Victories in the 1990's
General Throckmorton first introduced the use of celery in tactical actions against Iraqi soldiers retreating from the battlefields of Kuwait in the first Gulf war. "We dropped tons of celery on either side of the roads back to Baghdad -- we hemmed those retreatin' varmints to a narrow slice of highway and our jets moved in and finished 'em off."
DIck Cheney Vetoed Use of Celery in Second Gulf War -- However, He Advocates Its Use in the Advanced Interrogation of Terrorists
Prior to the US invasion of Iraq in 2003, U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney disallowed use of celery by the armed forces. Citing Geneva Convention restrictions, he said "I realize that although the immediate routing of the Taliban in Afghanistan following 9/11 was greatly aided by celery, world opinion forced us to abandon its use by the time we invaded Iraq in 2003."
When Vice President Cheney was asked how celery might be used in the interrogation of terrorists, he declined to provide specific methodology because of national security. Instead he replied "Refrigerated celery can maintain a very brittle composition for an extended period of time -- you figure it out."