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The Main Cause of the Recession: Stolen Condiment Packets

Updated on October 24, 2010

The Main Cause of the Recession: Stolen Condiment Packets

Far beyond the seats of power, beneath the very noses of Middle America, lies the greatest threat to our modern economy. Deeply ingrained in the culture of entitlement percolates perpetual flows of tasty spices and food additives from fast food restaurants.

Experts estimate that 37.987% of all condiment packages suffer the ignominious fate of becoming glove box sediment. Well-intended fast food consumers load up on salt, catchup, pepper, pink sweetener, yellow sweetener, hot sauce, tartar sauce, bar-b-q sauce, and mystery sauce for long road trips. Certainly not all packets end up intermingled with broken pens, bent paper clips, expired batteries, automotive lint, and parking receipts from the 1976 World Series, but far too many otherwise edible food additives spend countless miles riding shotgun.

Every stolen and wasted condiment package represents a potential thing that could have been made from that little wasted foil pack: nothing jumps immediately to mind, but somewhere a starving artist struggles for inspiration. Imagine the happiness in the eyes of a sad-eyed artist when he realizes that his life's' work may be fulfilled by sculpting 18th century US presidents from sheets of narrow gauge foil that would otherwise languish in the pocket of a condiment thief.

High Tech Will Save the Condiments.

When in doubt, apply cutting-edge technology to solve a problem. GPS tracking devices and bar codes assigned to every condiment packet will allow powerful supercomputers to monitor and immediately locate wayward food accents. In real-time, advanced computer software databases will identify trends in condiment theft. Ninja condiment-retrieval squads will be dispatched with precise co-ordinates. A new branch of law enforcement, and in parallel a new genre of TV cop show, will soon arise.

Save the Stolen Condiment Packets

We must come together in a tidal wave of caring. This problem cannot be solved by sitting idly by as devious condiment stealers make a mockery of fast food self-service technology. Condiment calamity is on the horizon. Only a grass-roots effort starting at every freeway exit ramp strip mall and high school cafeteria will save us. Either that, or highly trained federal employees assigned to monitor individual packets. One or the other should do the job.

Imagine a World With No Condiment Packets

Don't leave our children to endure a life of packet-less fast food mediocrity. No child, regardless of race, creed, or brand of jeans, should have to eat a cheeseburger without sufficient quantities of condiments. Imagine an entire generation struggling with catchup-less french fries. Imagine a grilled chicken sandwich, wrapped tightly in wax paper, loaded into a paper bag with a cartoon character printed the outside but without salt packets nestled carefully between the paper napkins and the greasy receipt.

It could happen.

How can you help?

You can't help.

It's over. Experts predict that within 3-6 years the condiment stations at all major restaurants will be stocked with sawdust and used bacon fat. Our selfishness raged unchecked for too long. Unfettered packet theft reached the tipping point on August 8th, 1981 at a Druthers Hamburger restaurant in Natural Bridge, Kentucky, according to some other experts who may or may not have been present at the time.

Should you find an unopened pepper packet, consider yourself blessed and tuck it away for your child's college tuition. Experts surmise that fortunes will be made and lost in condiment packaging speculation.


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    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Rebecca E.: Thanks!

    • Rebecca E. profile image

      Rebecca E. 

      7 years ago from Canada

      I am truly sorry I missed this one, you certain got me "thinking" and that is a good thing =)

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 

      7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Yet another entry penned by our esteemed hubber, nicomp.

      Do get on bribing.

      Remember, shiny!

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Scribenet: Thank you for your kind words.

    • Scribenet profile image


      7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Brilliant! You had me spellbound! Not only funny, but I think you should run for office (you would win).Your way with words is phenomenal!

    • dallas93444 profile image

      Dallas W Thompson 

      7 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

      Sorry, I am taking my "stolen" condiment packets back! I want everyone to be employed that wants to work...

    • Barbara Kay profile image

      Barbara Badder 

      7 years ago from USA

      A bigger problem than that are the people at the window when you go through the drive-thru. We order one order of large fries and when we ask for ketchup they give us 10 packages. I'm not kidding.

      By the way, you are brilliant. I would have never in million years thought of writing this hub. I don't think it will save the economy though.

    • profile image

      Not Nicomp 

      7 years ago

      @William F. Torpey : your logic is twisted, convoluted, and insidious, ergo is must be correct

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 

      7 years ago from Nashville, TN

      Nicomp - You've taken a very difficult subject and made it very readable and clear. I'm bursting with pride that you would even consider me an acquaintance, since it's so obvious that your IQ exceeds mine by at least 50 points. Thanks for not forgetting the little people. I agree with SirDent. Get this to Washington posthaste.

    • breakfastpop profile image


      7 years ago

      All along the answer to our financial woes was right in front of us in the condiment bowl. Who knew?

    • Tom Whitworth profile image

      Tom Whitworth 

      7 years ago from Moundsville, WV


      I am quite surprised because I had no idea that you were a member of the Obama administation, The Czar of Condiments.

    • Robwrite profile image


      7 years ago from Oviedo, FL

      Between the missing condiments and all the pennies falling behind the sofa cushions, we'll never get out of this financial hole.

    • William F. Torpey profile image

      William F Torpey 

      7 years ago from South Valley Stream, N.Y.

      I'm sorry to inform you, nicomp, that you've been bamboozled by the corporate world. Do you really believe that the big corporations that control the fast-food chains (and just about everything else) don't really want their patrons to steal their condiments? They obviously have spent millions on researching this issue. They no doubt have concluded that by allowing their condiments to be stolen, their patrons (that's us) will feel they've outwitted the corporations by getting away with those extra catsup, sugar and hot sauce packets. Their customers thus walk away thinking they not only got their money's worth, but actually came out ahead. And, as a result and more importantly, they'll be back again to get more. Their customers fail to realize that the corporations have already priced in the stolen packets -- thus the customers are not getting away with anything (and the corporations win again!)

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      It's so simple! I think you need to send a copy of this hub to Washington and do it quickly.

      Posted on Facebook.


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