The Real Fan's Guide To NFL Tailgates, Part II
Whatever you do, don't go to a tailgate, stick both feet in your mouth, and get your lights punched out. Here are some tips on what to avoid saying out loud when you're attending an NFL game's tailgating around the country:
Buffalo - How nice and warm and fancy Rogers Centre is.
Jacksonville - How the Jaguars might want to change their names to the Escalades in LA.
Meadowlands - How there's really only one Manning brother who can toss the pigskin.
Foxboro - How Belichick is a no good, lying, cheating scumbag you wouldn't trust to hold your beer while you peed.
Green Bay - How great Brett Favre was this season.
Seattle - How Holmgren might as well have shut down the team when he left.
Chicago - How the last time this team was worth a damn was when Ditka was on the sidelines.
Washington, D.C. - How no matter how much money Snyder throws into the pot, the Skins will always suck more than a Dyson warehouse.
St. Louis - How the mighty have fallen.
Tampa Bay - How much you miss Sam Wyche, Brucy and the creamsicle orange.
Cleveland - How the real home team are really the Ravens.
Houston - How the real home team are really the Titans.
Los Angeles - How the real home team are really... er... who?
Dallas - How Romo would be a better QB if he could keep his privates in his jock.
Oakland - How the big bald 6 foot 5, 350 lb. guy over there painted black and silver and wearing a studded collar is really manifesting his latent homosexuality.
Atlanta or near any PETA booth - How Mike Vick got a bum rap.
If you're road tripping to a game and time is of the essence, however, here's a fun recipe you can keep under wraps... er... or under the hood of your car: that's sure to be warm, easy to serve and devourable upon stadium arrival. And if you're in the market for the ultimate tailgating vehicle, we suggest the Honda CRV (which comes complete with a foldout picnic table) or Chrysler's PT Cruiser (which comes accessorized with a fold-down tailgate flap). The Pontiac Aztek has oodles of space in the back and you can even use the tent option, but no self respecting homo sapiens would be seen dead driving one.
Tightly wrap an entree (pre-cooked brisket, tamales or barbecue ribs) in aluminum foil and set it on a secure spot inside the hood. Atop the engine's fan belt is often quite ideal, but just make sure it doesn't get infused with the "wrong" type of oil.
With the entree taken care of, you'll want to score an extra point with a superb side dish. But be warned: An insurmountable penalty is issued to the fumble-head who puts loose beans on the sieve-like engine. Instead, opt for a more self-contained side dish, one that can be precooked and wrapped. Something like corn on the cob.
As for a beverage, you can go with the customary tailgate staple which is usually beer and plenty of it, but if you're really strapped for time, use a syringe to inject an orange with vodka and voila! You've just created the "edible screwdriver" which, by the way, is perfect for sneaking into the stadium for a midgame pick-me-up!