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Why Starbucks Sucks

Updated on August 20, 2020
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I have a BA in history and creative writing and an MA in history. I enjoy politics, movies, television, poker, video games, and trivia.

I Love Coffee

I love coffee. I like the idea of Starbucks. I love the idea of having ready access to good coffee. Every city block, filled with coffee shops. If I suddenly have the urge for more java, I barely have to walk to get it. I love this idea. I love coffee. I am fully supportive of as much coffee access as humanly possible.

Hell Is Other Starbucks People

I like coffee. I like the taste of coffee. One thing I love about ordering coffee at Starbucks is that it takes all of five seconds for them to get it for me. It's already brewed and ready to go. You run in, give them some money, they give you a cup of that sweet liquid.

Unless there's somebody in front of you.

What I hate about Starbucks is all the other people. There's nothing worse than standing behind five or six people and listening to them order. Some of those orders require a translator. Some require expensive software to decipher. This makes me boil. They don't love coffee. They love sugar and fat. They cover their beautiful coffee with gunk.

There should quite obviously be a line for me and a line for everybody else. At least, a line for people whose drinks require more than one barista and those that don't. Or maybe a line for reasonable people and one for unreasonable people. Or a line for people who worship and appreciate coffee and those who are trying to turn it into a dessert. A line for human beings and one for scum. You heard me.

What's the Longest You've Ever Waited in a Starbucks Line?

See results

Starbucks: Too Much Choice?

If you're ordering a double shot macchiato half caf, half decaf with organic whipped cream on top, you are a lunatic. Quite frankly, you disgust me. They should round your kind up and give you your own city or state or country where you all stand in the same line. There, you can listen to other nuts order other nutty drinks. Those drinks are goofy. They aren't drinks anyway. They're liquid heart attacks.

I respect Starbucks for offering all kinds of coffee drinks. Consumers like choice. I also appreciate that Starbucks wants to rule the world. But damnit, I just want some hot water filtered through some tasty ground coffee beans. Is that so hard? You insane thousand calorie, frappuccino oinkers need to get out of my way. I can see your arteries hardening as you wait in line. I just want a simple coffee. I want purity. All these funky drinks have ruined the purity of drinking coffee. It's like a chocolate bagel or boxed wine.

Sure, there are people who are going to buy these things, but it doesn't mean it's right. It's like reading the Cliffs Note version of Hamlet instead of the real thing. You know what Hamlet is about, but you've somehow cheated. Sure, drinking a frappuccino gives you some vague idea of coffee. But you're not a coffee drinker. You're some horrible monster.

Sugar In Coffee Is Gross

Frankly, I feel the same way about people who put sugar in their coffee.

Good job at just ruining the coffee, dirtwad. It's like people who salt their food before tasting it. TRY THE FOOD FIRST! Maybe it's fine without the salt. Maybe it's already got plenty of salt in it. Did you ever think of that? It's like salting salt.

Coffee does not require sugar. It's perfect just the way it is. Somehow though, coffee sugarers have taken over the world. Now we have all these drinks that could clog the arteries of an elephant and take five people and fifteen minutes to make. Meanwhile, those of us with something to do have to wait there while it happens. It's like slowing down at the scene of an accident. It's just that these people would rather be in the accident.

One estimate I read indicates that during a 70-year lifespan, a person will spend three of those years waiting. Not necessarily waiting in line, just waiting. Quite clearly, going to Starbucks makes that wait even longer. You crazy people with your foo-foo, goofy drinks need to simplify your lives. You're driving me crazy.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2011 Allen Donald


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