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Complaints about Starbucks: Things That Drive Me Crazy
I love coffee. I like the idea of Starbucks. I love the idea of having ready access to good coffee on every city block so that if I suddenly have the urge for some java after walking two feet or taking a couple of breaths or blinking, I don't have to look far to get it.
I like coffee. I like the taste of coffee. One thing I love about ordering coffee at Starbucks is that it takes all of five seconds for them to get it for me. It's already brewed and ready to go. You run in, give them some money, they give you a cup of that sweet liquid. Unless there's somebody in front of you.
When I go to Starbucks and I find myself waiting in line behind five or six people all of whom are ordering drinks that require a translator and some expensive software to decipher, I begin to boil. There should quite obviously be a line for me and a line for everybody else, or at least, a line for people whose drinks require more than one barista and those that don't, or maybe a line for reasonable people and one for unreasonable people. Or a line for people who worship and appreciate coffee and those who are trying to turn it into a dessert. A line for human beings and one for scum. You heard me.
If you're ordering a double shot macchiato half caf, half decaf with organic whipped cream on top, you are a lunatic and, quite frankly, disgust me. They should round your kind up and give you your own city or state or country where you can wait in line with all the other whackos and order goofy-ass drinks to your heart's content. They aren't drinks. They're liquid heart attacks. While I respect Starbucks for offering all kinds of coffee drinks and trying to rule the world, I just want some hot water filtered through some tasty ground coffee beans. You insane thousand calorie, frappuccino oinkers need to get out of my way. I can see your arteries hardening as you wait in line. I just want a simple coffee. I want purity. All these funky drinks have ruined the purity of drinking coffee. It's like a chocolate bagel or boxed wine. Sure, there are people who are going to buy these things, but it doesn't mean it's right. It's like reading the Cliffs Note version of "Hamlet" instead of the real thing. You know what "Hamlet" is about, but you've somehow cheated. Sure, drinking a frappuccino gives you some vague idea of what coffee is about, but you're not a coffee drinker.
Frankly, I feel the same way about people who put sugar in their coffee. Good job at just ruining the coffee, dirtwad. It's like people who salt their food before tasting it. TRY THE FOOD FIRST! Coffee does not require sugar. It's perfect just the way it is. Somehow though, coffee sugarers have taken over the world and now we have all these drinks that could clog the arteries of an elephant and take five people and fifteen minutes to make. Meanwhile, those of us with something to do have to wait there while it happens. It's like slowing down at the scene of an accident except that most people seem like they'd rather be in the accident.
One estimate I read indicates that during a 70-year lifespan, a person will spend three of those years waiting. Not necessarily waiting in line, just waiting. Quite clearly, going to Starbucks makes that wait even longer. You crazy people with your foo-foo, goofy drinks need to simplify your lives. You're driving me crazy.