The Store Bought Macaroni Salad Coma
I don't know if the old saying, "You are what you eat" is true but I do know that on the whole I do try to eat things that are healthy for me (for the most part). Now, that is not to say that I don't eat ice cream (which let's face it, can't be all that great for you) whenever I get the chance and a myriad of other things that I know I shouldn't be eating. So last week when I was in the grocery store and looked over to see that familiar tub of Creamettes drowning in its odd whiteish-yellow "sauce" something inside me convinced me that I needed to have some and so I did. The store bought macaroni salad coma - Don't Get Me Started!
It wasn't a large tub but due to my inability to understand or rather be able to police my own lack of bad portion control tendencies, I ate the entire tub that day (Albeit not in one sitting). But what truly amazed me was that after my first round with the macaroni salad I felt something akin to what Snow White must have felt when she bit the poisoned apple the wicked witch gave her. That's right, within moments after eating it I was out like a light. Now at first I thought to myself that it had just been a long day or that perhaps something else was going on but after the second sitting of the macaroni salad, it could only be one thing...the macaroni salad.
Now first of all I don't really know why I would eat this macaroni salad. This is not to say that I don't love me some macaroni salad but normally it's the macaroni salad my mother makes, not the store bought kind. And oddly enough, though they share the same name, the taste is completely different. I know what goes in my mother's macaroni salad but can anyone (or will they let us know) what the hell is in the store bought stuff? Homemade macaroni salad uses mayonnaise for the "sauce" and yet I don't know what the hell is in that gloopy shit they use in the store bought kind. It doesn't taste like mayonnaise and it has this odd sort of after taste that has a tang similar to something that is just about to go out of date (as we say in my family) or in other words, about to go bad.
Have you ever had someone's homemade macaroni salad and have it taste like the store bought kind? I think not. So here's a tip, if you put down on the family or company picnic that you're bringing macaroni salad, do not try to pass off the store bought shit as something you've made, everyone will be on to you very quickly.
At this point some of you are wondering why you're reading this and I'll be honest I'm wondering a little bit as to why I'm still going on about it. But you see it stopped me cold, put me in a slumber that couldn't be disturbed by a fire alarm so it started me thinking that maybe this is one of the best kept secrets when it comes to weapons we could use against our enemies. Maybe we've finally learned what else they served at the first Thanksgiving dinner. Between the tryptophan in turkey and the store bought macaroni salad no wonder we got the Indians to turn everything over to us. I see pilgrims in silly hats and shoes with large buckles standing around after the ceremonial meal with all the Indians fast asleep and the pilgrims moving the Indians' hands on parchment signing over their land. I'm telling you, if and when we find Bin Laden, see if he likes macaroni salad (wink, wink)! The store bought macaroni salad coma - Don't Get Me Started!
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- Some Like It Scott!
An acquired taste, like Tab cola, Some Like It Scott is one gay man's experiences with love, life and things that make him crazy, all done to a musical theatre soundtrack.