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What to do when you get a Hankerin'

Updated on March 13, 2013
Behold! The Demon Spawn!
Behold! The Demon Spawn!

Many years ago one of my favorite comedians Jerry Clower had a routine where he spoke about a friend that "had done flung a cravin'" on him. That was for some mustard sardines. Personally, I don't think theres a chance in Hades anyone could make me have a cravin' for mustard sardines. Yech!

But there are a lot of things that I get cravings for. It might be something simple, like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or an ice cold glass of milk. Or it might be a little tougher, like a pot of chili in July, or smoking some brisket or ribs out in my smoker in January. Sometimes, there's just no telling your belly no.

When I try to lose weight, I usually concentrate first on drinking a lot of water; I mean a lot. I might drink five or six 20 oz. bottles of water a day, and only one glass of tea or milk. Soda I can usually do without, maybe a glass a week or so. But tea, that's my downfall. Problem is it is a diuretic, and makes me pee. While that seems like a good thing, it dehydrates you so you drink more, pee more, drink more. It's an endless cycle.

Water makes me drop a few pounds fairly quickly and easily. But then my body says enough of this good for you stuff and I get a cravin'. And usually it hits when I'm at the store and I buy something I shouldn't. Yesterday I went to get some bread, milk, chips and paper towels. Spent $50.00. I know, I know: self control. And I have it - every time my wife is with me.

I bought extra chips, cheese dip, cookies ready to eat and those that I would have to cook. I bought deli chicken (I was hungry!). To be honest, I was trying to bring home some chicken for the family for dinner. Honest I was! Our youngest had been kind of ill, and was feeling better but he and my wife were doing his homework and I thought that I would bring home dinner for everyone. Surprise!

The ready to eat cookies went fast in our home. One night. There's five of us in the home right now and the size of the package makes it where we each got like three cookies. Have you noticed how things that seem to be staying at or near the same price are really diminishing in size? These cookies used to sell for $2.50 a few years ago and weighed in at 18 oz. Now they go for $2.98 and weigh 13 oz. And just this afternoon, my wife showed me a frozen waffle I had bought for the kids to eat before school. It was the name brand, and was on sale for less than the store brand, so I got it. Should have looked at the weight on the box, not the number of waffles inside. This waffle was like less than a quarter of an inch thick. Less than half as thick as they used to be! What the hell happened?!

Anyway, tonight I got a craving. A serious craving. I wanted fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Now Tina fixed a great dinner, and I was full. But my mind (or was it my belly) said "Go ahead, bake them. They'll smell soooooo goooooddd, and everyone will like a couple. Go on!" It was almost like Field of Dreams, you know? "If you bake them, they will come."

So I did.

Baked three dozen. Fresh, hot, soft and chewy, melt in your mouth chocolate chip cookies. I gave one fresh out of the oven to my youngest son. His face lit up with a smile a mile wide. Gave one to my wife, warm right out of the oven. She smiled too.

I disappeared into the kitchen to "watch" the others as they cooked..... and ate four. I know I'm bad! Then I got a cold glass of milk (2%! Gotta watch my girlish figure!) and enjoyed that. Then I had to take the next batch out of the oven, and of course I had to try one of these as well. Eat a cookie, get thirsty, drink milk. Eat a cookie, get thirsty, drink milk. A vicious cycle was born.

Finally, all of the cookies were done and I was full. I think there might be a dozen a and a half left for the rest of the family. I am ashamed! (But they were good!)

My eldest daughter just made it back in from the hinterlands of college, and the first thing she said when she walked in the door was "Cookies! I want one!" I love it when something makes her face light up like that.

Who knows when my next cravin' will strike. It might be tomorrow at work and I think of something like a sub sandwich with mounds of ham and turkey and cheese. I was taking some friends on a fishing trip one time years ago and stopped at this smokehouse meat place I had eaten at several times. It was a build your own sandwich place where you took a plate, and picked everything you wanted to eat on your sandwich. My friend Mike (he looked like Magnum P.I. to the women we worked with, and they called him Dreamy. He hated it.) looked like he was in hog heaven. He only weighed like a buck fifty or so, but man could he eat!

He started on one end of the buffet style table, heaping meat on the bread. Smoked ham, Black Forest ham, suger cured ham, smoked turkey, mesquite turkey, oven roasted turkey, american cheese, cheddar, swiss cheese. Then came the condiments. Pickles, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and other things I had never seen put on a sandwich. The price at that time was $2.50 a pound. His sandwich cost $8.50! The owner of the place asked for then took a picture of Mike and his sandwich, saying it was the biggest that had ever been made there. What a cravin' had been flung on him!

He ate every single bite. And a bag of chips. And two sodas. And a couple of cookies thrown in for good measure. I was amazed.

I'm getting a cravin again. Arby's roast beef sandwiches. I don't think I'll top my personal best though. Just don't have the ability anymore. Two Big Montana's (their super sized roast beef) and fries and a drink at one sitting. Then I bought nine regulars for the road. I was living in Flippin, Arkansas then and there was no closer Arby's than Joplin at the time. So I bought some for the trip home.

I ate all nine on the road over the next three hours.

Come to think of it, I think I might just try to let this cravin' slide. Maybe a nice cold glass of H2O will suffice tonight. Then hit the hay while my belly's full. Wait, I hear something in the kitchen. What? What is that?

Cookies. Coookies. Cooookkkiiieesssss. Come and get me.

No! Stay away from the kitchen! Run, run the other way! Hurry! Run away from the light!!

Chomp. Another one bites the dust.


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    • Mr Archer profile image

      Mr Archer 4 years ago from Missouri

      Glad you enjoyed this! Now, get ta bakin'! Ship some cookies my way, okay?

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Too funny, Mr. Archer! Now you've planted a baking bug in my mind! It's a good thing I keep baking staples on hand for when I get the hankerin'!

    • cam8510 profile image

      Chris Mills 4 years ago from Missoula, Montana at least until March 2018

      Very good hub. I enjoyed that. You'll have to excuse me now. I'm hungry.

    • Mr Archer profile image

      Mr Archer 4 years ago from Missouri

      'Dem cookies wuz good umm-hmmm. I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go eat one! How sad am I? Thanks Bill, glad to know I'm not alone in the cravin' department.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      There are few things better in this world than chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven. That is one craving I understand all too well. :)