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How to Addict Your Friends to Coffee

Updated on May 9, 2015
janikon profile image

Stuart has spent three years trying to convince his boyfriend he is not hiding books under their bed and they are certainly not multiplying.


I was raised on tea and biscuits - the diplomatic taste of the earl grey combined with the sweetness, subtle vanilla, of the cookie - coffee was a strictly morning beverage, drank by my parents and grandmother, while they flitted around the house in the morning. The full-bodied aroma in the mornings became synonymous with adulthood, something I would one day learn to love. I personally couldn't stand the taste of coffee, whereas my sister has been drinking coffee since the tender age of three; by ten she'd need coffee to rise in the morning - I couldn't even stomach coffee flavoured gum.

I had a horrible experience - when I tried to rush maturity - with a small, hospital coffee-cart, espresso while with my sister and mother; they still talk about it. The experience left me sour to trendy caffeinated beverages for a while, until Second Cup introduced one of their first iced coffee beverages - adding sugar and whipped creme made all the difference. It wasn't until sophomore year, of high school, did I start my coffee experimentation again; I chalked it up to swim team practice being held ridiculously early in the morning and, often times, on the coldest days of the year.

I don't remember which one of my friends handed me the cup of joe, that fateful day but the next morning I had another. It wasn't long before I was downing three cups a day while experimenting with the Starbucks espresso brownie; I was a sick man. Any food which couldn't be drank with coffee or wasn't sold behind protective glass I would avoid; I found myself selling my clothes on eBay to fund my early morning caffeine addiction.

I was happily when wired and bitchy, unable to make chitchat, when under-caffeinated.

friending the coffee-hater: diplomacy is not dead

Health nuts and snobby tea elitists are the main opposition to us coffee drinkers, while you're dragging yourself to the coffee pot each morning, they are out jogging or reading the Huffington Post while having a scone. They enjoy telling people - such as coffee drinkers - about the health problems associated with too much caffeine intake, something about your heart palpitating and dying before forty; apparently, they didn't realize Lizzie Borden, the Mendez brothers and Heidi Montag were all under-caffeinated before killing, or slapping a restraining order on, their parents.

We can make friends with tea drinkers, they now have the tea latte and mochas. They can drink their fake chocolate-coffee hybrids while you guzzle the essence of your soul, you can even make idle conversation over muffins; yes, the ones behind the protective glass. The best thing about talking to tea drinkers is they often use words, like 'quite' 'boston' 'hither' and 'cantankerous'; it's like sitting with a roll of word-of-the-day toilet paper. Whereas they use big words and are probably well-read, you can wave your arms over head when making points.

This is the mark of true coffee drinkers, intense arm waving and speed-talking; my room mate doesn't drink coffee which could explain why she's always tired. She's one of those sometimes
tea drinkers, you know the ones who only drink it when they want to feel soothed or feel in the mood to read a romance novel in the bathtub. I'll never understand the draw of soaking in a bathtub for hours, I'm much too caffeinated and hyper to be able to sit that long - this is an exercise limited to wine-enthusiasts and tea drinkers.

Tea drinkers and we coffee drinkers can still be friends, even if they have a constant need to be calm and soothed all the time - try not to hold that against them, for they are obviously weak of heart.

when in doubt, convert

I've known many tea drinkers in my day - even some juice chuggers - and, yes I can maintain a friendship like nobodies business but sometimes, especially in the early mornings, you just can't take the constant pep these people exude. Sometimes the solution to any long-lasting friendship with these people is to convert them. Yes, you read right, convert them.

Here are some tips on convertering friends and family from a level nine converter.

1. start small - when they aren't looking add crushed espresso beans to the brownie mix and stir, stir like you've never stirred before

2. frequent the local Starbucks with your friend often, remember to sneak the barista a fiver to add a shot of coffee into their trendy iced smoothie or tea latte.

3. if your friend is a recreational drug user, switch out 1/4 of their pot with ground coffee beans - if they won't drink it, maybe they'll smoke it

4. accidently give them a cappuccino when they asked you to pick up earl gray, apologize proffusily but insist they finish it anyway

5. if all else fails and still they refuse to convert - this is a last measure - you are to throw hot coffee into their face. Yes, you are to. throw. hot. coffee. into. their. face. (just not too hot, you do not want to permantly scar them)

in conclusion

I have many friends who are not coffee drinkers, I feel that makes me a better person and one day, they are overly social in the morning, I will begin the steps to convert them. I even live with a non-coffee drinker, one who refuses to entertain the idea of coffee at all - infuriating and ludacrious! She knows not to speak with me as I sip my morning nectar or spend the five minutes it takes the coffee to brew glaring at the bright sunny day, only after my second cup does she begin with actual tester words, such as, 'sleep well' or 'what are your plans for today'.

I respect the fact she doesn't want to try coffee and am upset by the fact she will never need it as much as I do, but I can only hope. And no, I can assure you I haven't mixed espresso into her face wash -

- I went straight for her toothpaste.


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    • vickiholder profile image

      Vicki Holder 2 years ago from The beautiful Ouachita Mtns. in Arkansas

      This was absolutely hilarious. Nothing makes me happier than that first glorious sip of coffee in the morning. Except maybe the second, third, fourth (you get my point).

    • kartika damon profile image

      kartika damon 5 years ago from Fairfield, Iowa

      Okay, you got me! You are a very charming writer AND you crack me up. Love my Java!

      - fellow coffee addict

    • profile image

      6 years ago

      I just read this drinking one of those bowl-mugs of coffee. Amazing. I will always be there for you when you need a cup of coffee.

      May I suggest the "do-not-speak-unless-spoken-to" rule in the mornings? My "roommate" and I have a similar agreement where unless I address him first pre-coffee, he is not allowed to speak. Emergencies are okay.

      And yes, roaring at him counts as speaking.

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      thanks, Giselle! :)

    • profile image

      Giselle Maine 6 years ago

      Very funny and interesting hub! I liked it a lot, especially the last paragraph about your roommate! Voted up, funny and awsome.