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Delicious Fat Free Cake Recipe

Updated on April 1, 2014

Sweet "n" Skanky Granny

Before I share this recipe, I want you to read a story my Grandma told me about how she gave some of the '52 Yanks a hand release in exchange for an autographed ball!

Back in her day it was not socially acceptable for a married woman to whore herself around and for that I consider Grandma to be a pioneer. She loved her family above all and was willing to do whatever it took to help them out.

This cake recipe is a lot like her. It is creative, unique and just a bit disgusting. I hope you all enjoy and don't forget to participate in my survey! Thanks all.

Nostalgic stories from Grandma

How she met the Yankees!

My Gramps was a huge Yogi Berra fan and Grandma thought it would be nice to get him an autographed baseball signed by Mr. Berra.

As it turned out, Grandma got the entire team to sign the ball! My heart melts thinking about old gramps smiling ear to ear when she handed him the ball.

According to Grandma, she couldn't get into the stadium because she didn't have enough money, but a nice usher told her which hotel the ball players were staying at and even offered to drive her there after the game in exchange for quick hand release behind the peanut stand.

Once at the hotel, she told the bartender why she was there and for a quick hand release, he promised to introduce her to the players when they came down for a drink.

Around 9 o'clock that evening some of the players started trickling into the bar.

Grandma spoke with a few players who offered to get signatures from all the ball players provided they were able to run a train on her in the equipment manager's hotel room. She enthusiastically agreed; after all this was the Yankees for Christ's sake. A few hours later her mission was accomplished and she had every last Yankee's signature.

That story reminds me of home and how much I miss my old Grandma. We will always love you.

Everybody's a winner

You want a free kick in the ass?

Granny's Fat Free Cake Recipe

1 package Skittles (shelled)

2 Cups Sugar

3 Cup Flour

3 large cantaloupe rinds (ground up into a puree)

16 oz German chocolate

8 egg yolks

3 cups butter

3 tsp vanilla

4 cups coconut

1/2 cup boiling warm water

3 tsp salt

1/4 lb genoa salami

2 garlic cloves

1 package artificial crab meat (let pseudo crab meat out on countertop overnight before adding)

3 pieces whole wheat toast

Putting it all together

Step 1: Mix flour, eggs, salami and cantaloupe puree until there is a soup like consistency

Step 2: Add salt and Skittles

Step 3: Add melted butter, water soaked bread and garlic cloves

Step 4: Dump all of the chocolate into the bowl and mix everything together

Step 5: Gently sprinkle the vanilla and season to taste (I usually add a little more salt here)

Step 6: Pre-heat oven to 325 degrees

Step 7: Add remaining ingredients and pile all of this stuff into a cake pan

Step 8: Cook for 2 hours (flipping over half way through cooking)

Grandma's favorite products

Try this on for size

Hire a hooker

Time required: 14 minutes

Difficulty: easy

Cost: $350

Proof that nobody really reads my lens

Hello people that will never actually read this stupid lens. As an experiment I have created this lens, put the tags in place, promoted on Facebook, Twitter and asked that the Squidoo Forum please "critique" my lens.

By reading the comments, you see that few people actually read the lens, they just blindly like it or leave me some generic comment such as, "Great Recipe and story!" Really, this is about a ridiculously disgusting cake recipe and a story about how a grandmother gave hand jobs in exchange for an autographed baseball.

This is all a bunch of time that I have wasted. In conclusion I feel like this is one big pile of monkey shit and I wish I never got started with this crap.

I'm obviously a sore loser and not happy that I can't generate traffic and this is my passive aggressive way of dealing with this emotions. #armchairpsychologist #wastingmylife

Did you have a Grandma like me? - Tell me all about it hot shot

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    • boneworld profile image

      Jackson Thom 3 years ago from West of Left South Lucky

      How are you still on here, dude? I am literally wiping tears off my face with a tissue, right now.

    • GuyB LM profile image
      Author

      GuyB LM 3 years ago

      @ToTheBrimm LM: I wouldn't expect any originality from you...BTW, Great Comment!

    • ToTheBrimm LM profile image

      ToTheBrimm LM 3 years ago

      just blindly liking your lens and leaving a generic comment... BTW, Great Recipe!

    • Mr Criminology profile image

      Bigwas 3 years ago from Philippines

      interesting mate

    • flycatcherrr profile image

      flycatcherrr 3 years ago

      @GuyB LM: Maybe the salmonella?

    • GuyB LM profile image
      Author

      GuyB LM 3 years ago

      @georgepmoola2: Thanks! Just curious, what part of the recipe did you like?

    • georgepmoola2 profile image

      georgepmoola2 3 years ago

      Great story to accompany a fab recipe.

    • Charito1962 profile image

      Charito Maranan-Montecillo 3 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      My grandparents have long been dead! I love chocolate cake!

    • microfarmproject profile image

      microfarmproject 5 years ago

      Now THAT's unexpected! Could I substitue bratwurst for the Genoa salami? LOL!

    • OldStones LM profile image

      OldStones LM 5 years ago

      I've read this three times over and I still can't get through it with out bust'n up.

    • CuAllaidh profile image

      Jeff Johnston 5 years ago from Alberta Canada

      wow... um... just wow.

    • profile image

      nangaye-steve 5 years ago

      Do I mix the ingredients with the 8" Beige or the Ripple Wand. Which gave the best results for ol' grandma?

    • nigel7725 profile image

      nigel7725 6 years ago

      Thanks for sharing your grandmaâs recipe.

    • mattseefood lm profile image

      mattseefood lm 6 years ago

      Looks great and yummy! Thanks :)

    • amkatee profile image

      amkatee 6 years ago

      I would suggest drinking the scotch BEFORE mixing ingredients, or did you write this all down after having said scotch.

    • Paul Ward profile image

      Paul 6 years ago from Liverpool, England

      I live in the UK and can't get canteloupe rinds - can I substitute?

    • profile image

      NYThroughTheLens 6 years ago

      Also, cheap scotch definitely sounds necessary. Nice tip.

    • profile image

      NYThroughTheLens 6 years ago

      Either cantaloupe, skittles, salami and fake crab meat are all the ingredients I have been missing (together) to craft the perfect chocolate cake or I am missing something :).

    • MagpieNest profile image

      MagpieNest 6 years ago

      Your Grandma sounds like quite a lady. Thank goodness she passed this recipe on to you or it might have been lost forever.

    • profile image

      Braintasticguy 6 years ago

      Hmm......

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Thats cheesecake sounds really delicious, must try that.

    • ChristopherPick profile image

      ChristopherPick 7 years ago

      Could I please ask you to take down this lens as a service to public health. If my wife finds this recipe, I'm going to have to eat most of it!

    • profile image

      anonymous 7 years ago

      Life's not worth a living if you can't smile along the way :o)

      I would so love to make and give Grandma's cake to my sisters nasty ex!

    • profile image

      julieannbrady 7 years ago

      Our grandmas need to get together !!! She will make the stuffed cabbage and yours can make this yummy cheesecake -- I seriously want a BITE!

    • RhondaAlbom profile image

      Rhonda Albom 7 years ago from New Zealand

      I think granny might need her memory checked. LOL! Fun recipe Do you really only turn the oven up to 325 to cook the salami andcantaloupe rinds?

    • profile image

      Tarra99 7 years ago

      you had me at the salami and skittles! YUM ;o)