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Mr. Snow Miser: A fancy-pants winter cocktail that will punch you in your face
There are drinks so powerful they put hair on your chest. Then there's Mr. Snow Miser.
One sip of this fancy-pants holiday cocktail from Peep Casserole creator Jason Scavone, and you'll grow a full beard on your face.
With five bottles of alcohol, strained spices, sliced apples and infused vanilla beans, Scavone describes his recipe for punch as very expensive and very classy.
"The more monocles you own, the more likely you are to go for a Mr. Snow Miser," says Scavone, a part-time crocodile wrestler and professional whistler. "But if you're some kind of holiday-hating Philistine, there's always Red Bull and vodka. Because obviously you find things that taste good to be anathema."
Although Mr. Snow Miser is the greatest holiday punch ever invented (so great, in fact, that your computer hard drive will probably explode just by loading this hub), Scavone is the first to admit he is by no means a punchologist.
"I just wanted to do something fallish/winterish, and with booze," he explains of his alcoholic drink recipe. "I experimented from there."
A Breakdown of Your Mr. Snow Miser Drinking Experience
30 seconds after your first sip
An hour later
Three hours after that
The next morning
You immediately become 60 percent more capable and rustic, like an early Hemingway short story.
You'll be beating away other drinkers with the ladle and pouring the remaining contents of the bowl directly down your throat.
You'll be trying to assemble a time machine, so you can go back two weeks and infuse another couple bottles of applejack in order to make a second batch of punch.
You will be 30 percent less rustic, but you will have also grown a full beard.
And now the moment you've all been waiting for ...
Jason Scavone's Fancy-Pants Mr. Snow Miser Punch Recipe
Portions of this recipe, as noted below, must be prepared at least two weeks in advance.
1.5 bottles infused Laird's Applejack
1 bottle Old Overholt Rye
12.5 oz cinnamon-infused simple syrup
18.75 oz vanilla-infused simple syrup
Half an orange, juiced
Two whole lemons, juiced
3 tsp orange bitters
2 bottles Prosecco
Thinly sliced apple, for garnish
An ice tip: Rather than dropping cubes in, which will water the punch down, try freezing up a big block of ice in whatever container you have available, and let the whole thing cool slowly without diluting.
- Take two bottles of Laird's Applejack. Then immediately drink a quarter of each, because this isn't amateur hour. Infuse both bottles with 4-5 cinnamon sticks, allspice and clove. Cap both bottles and let sit for two weeks. In the meantime, try not to go booze-crazy and drink all them up. They're not ready. ... For God's sake, put the straw down, I said they're not ready!
- After two weeks, strain out your spices. You are now ready to make punch at a moment's notice.
- When the time comes, dump both bottles in a big bowl. The fancier the better, because we are classy.
- Now, take a bottle of Old Overholt Rye. In a shaker, grate fresh cinnamon. Add zest of an orange rind. Shake all that up and double strain into the punch bowl.
- From there, add cinnamon simple syrup (regular simple with a couple teaspoons of cinnamon extract added) and vanilla simple. You can do this with extract as well, though if you really AREN'T a Philistine and would like to prove it to me as an act of contrition, you'll infuse with real vanilla beans. They're expensive, so the correct etiquette is to make sure your guests feel guilty by working it into casual conversation. "Did the Lions win last week?" "I don't know, but do you have any idea how expensive this fresh vanilla you're drinking is? Taste the quality. Taste it!"
- Once all that is together, stir vigorously with a long-handled bar spoon. Add orange bitters. I like Fee Brothers, but Angostura Orange works as well. Add the juice of two whole lemons and half an orange. Top with two bottles of Prosecco. Grate fresh cinnamon on top of the whole thing and garnish with slices of apples.
*Dictated to the author from Scavone's rum-soaked brain
And Now For Something Completely Different
Maybe it isn't Winter. Maybe (though unlikely) you're not in the mood for booze.
No need to despair. Jason Scavone has recipes for all seasons and all types of inebriation, including the always effective sugar high.
This chocolaty, marshmallow-filled Spring recipe is a gooey Easter recipe made from Peeps (though I might add that Peeps are now a year-round treat):
© 2011 Aleza Freeman