ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Altered Beast for the Sega Genesis (Mega Drive) - Crappy Video Games

Updated on September 27, 2014

A True Classic. Classically Crappy, That Is.

Some people say that Altered Beast is one of the great classics on the Mega Drive, while others see it for what it truly is: A large pile of donkey turds. The game first came out as a standalone arcade game in 1988, and it was ported to the Sega Genesis the year after that. It's really quite a stupid game.

The plot is simple enough. Zeus resurrects some dude (the centurion) with huge muscles to kick zombies repeatedly in the groin until he finds Zeus' daughter, Athena. Our overly-sexualized, muscle clad protagonist continues to kick zombies in the nuts until he finds the antagonist of the game, a demon called Neff. Our video game version of Fabio beats Neff up a bunch of times in various forms. He finds Athena. Woohoo. The end.

Did I spoil it for you? I think we all could have guessed where that plot was going. The idea is kindergarten-level for sure.

This is the entire game: Kicking zombies in the nuts until they explode. Imagine that. An entire game based around kicking zombies in the nuts. What a novel and incredibly stupid, insipid idea!
This is the entire game: Kicking zombies in the nuts until they explode. Imagine that. An entire game based around kicking zombies in the nuts. What a novel and incredibly stupid, insipid idea!

Here's a Run Through of the Entire Stupid Game

Look at how small that head is in relation to the centurion's body. After you kick zombies in the groin, they explode. Isn't that fun? Seriously, that head just looks weird. Put some clothes on, Fabio! I'm not into guys.
Look at how small that head is in relation to the centurion's body. After you kick zombies in the groin, they explode. Isn't that fun? Seriously, that head just looks weird. Put some clothes on, Fabio! I'm not into guys.

The Designers Were Clearly Idiots

By the way, centurion is a Roman term. Ancient Greeks spoke Ancient Greek. Zeus was God to the ancient people of Greece. Dumbass designers. What the hell does Zeus need Fabio for, anyway? Can't he just magic his daughter back from hell?

It really is a pathetic game, but it received lukewarm to positive reviews when it first came out. The graphics are half-decent for 1988, I guess, but the levels are short as all heck. There are only five levels, too. Ridiculous! The game is just criminally short. I guess that worked out okay in the arcades, since half the fun was showing off that you could beat a game. Still, for home consoles, the replayability on this one is basically zero. It's like a negative replayability. Memories of beating this game the second day after you bought it would just make you angry. Better to forget.

We can draw several conclusions from this picture. First, the designers of this game had a fascination with kicking and shooting crap at testicles and testicle areas. Second, someone was smoking a lot of crack because this game sucks.
We can draw several conclusions from this picture. First, the designers of this game had a fascination with kicking and shooting crap at testicles and testicle areas. Second, someone was smoking a lot of crack because this game sucks.

The Whole "Beast" Concept Ironically Makes the Game Way Too Easy

The stupid "beast" characters make the game ridiculously easy. They are beyond overpowered. Our character turns into these various beasts during gameplay, and each beast has different abilities. Level one sees the centurion turn into a werewolf. Simple enough. Level two sees our protagonist turn into a weredragon - which is basically the most awesome beast in the game. It shoots electricity everywhere, even out from its butt crack. It's essentially invincible if you aren't mentally challenged. The third level sees the centurion turn into a werebear (no, not a Carebear). The fourth level sees him turn into a weretiger, and the last level has him turn into Barbara Streisand. Oh, did I say Barbara Streisand? I meant Golden Werewolf. Hey, design team, were you running out of ideas here?

One of the bosses was actually Barbra Streisand. No kidding. I swear.
One of the bosses was actually Barbra Streisand. No kidding. I swear.

This Game Deserves to Be Flushed

I have actually never played this game as a child, thankfully. The first time I saw this game was about 10 years ago at a friend's house. He fired it up and played it in front of me. I remember watching him beat the whole game in like 15 minutes, and I was like, "So why do you like this game? That sucked." He promptly agreed with me, and we flushed the game down his toilet after pissing and crapping all over it.

The only thing that makes the game last 15 minutes instead of like 5-7 minutes is the fact that the bosses (Neff's different forms) take forever to kill. This game just blows chunks. I have no idea why some people like it. If you like it, seek mental help.

What Do You Think About Altered Beast?

Is This a Good Game?

See results

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)