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Ghosts n Goblins for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) – Hardest Video Games

Updated on September 15, 2014
I guess the designers thought it would be cute for our hero to run around fighting zombies in a graveyard almost butt naked. It's really just sort of disturbing and awkward.
I guess the designers thought it would be cute for our hero to run around fighting zombies in a graveyard almost butt naked. It's really just sort of disturbing and awkward.

Hard For All the Wrong Reasons

Ghosts n Goblins for the NES is one of the hardest video games ever made. It’s not even really a game – it’s a sadistic torture device. You know what playing this game is like? It’s like if your friend ate a bunch of Mexican refried beans (like 5 pounds) and then you accidently get locked in the closet with him. That’s pretty much what this game is like. It smells like fart.

Ah, but honestly, I have very little good to say about the game. It’s just brutally hard. You start out naked in a graveyard with some chick (yeah…), then she gets kidnapped by the Devil (don’t you hate it when that happens?). You put on your armor and go after her. And your armor is a complete joke. One hit and you’re running around in your underpants, and another hit kills you. Wow!

I guess our hero is confident that he can scare off zombies and ghosts with his nudity.

Sitting Around Naked With His Emo Girlfriend By His Side

The game begins just after our hero has finished having sex in a graveyard. Would this ever pass as an acceptable beginning for a kids game nowadays? An almost butt naked dude sitting in a graveyard with a woman? What the hell, Nintendo!
The game begins just after our hero has finished having sex in a graveyard. Would this ever pass as an acceptable beginning for a kids game nowadays? An almost butt naked dude sitting in a graveyard with a woman? What the hell, Nintendo!

Get Mario. This Plush Needs a Loving Home.

Saving Your Emo Girlfriend With Purple Hair Takes Forever and Ever

It’s a long game, and the controls are a bit on the crappy side. Monsters spawn everywhere and run around like they just smoked a sock full of drugs or something, so you end up dying pretty much constantly. If You do manage to get to the end of the game, congratulations. You’re only halfway done. That’s right, this asinine pile of dung called a game makes you go back to the beginning of the game and do the whole damn thing over again just to see the ending. I say if you made it through once, good for you. Go drink a Coke. You’re finished. Turn that stupid game off and go do something productive with your life.

Runthrough of the Entire Crappy Ass Game:

So Hanging Out Near Satan's House Is a Good Idea?

After every level, they show you a map of the whole game. The end is obviously Satan - so - why the HECK is our hero sleeping at a graveyard near Satan's house? Is he a moron or something? Does his emo girlfriend insist?
After every level, they show you a map of the whole game. The end is obviously Satan - so - why the HECK is our hero sleeping at a graveyard near Satan's house? Is he a moron or something? Does his emo girlfriend insist?

Get This Shirt and Become Leetness Incarnate

The award winning ending screen to this game. Congraturation! This Story Is Happy End! Hmm. They could have just picked up the phone and dialed any random number into the US and probably gotten an answer telling them how dumb they were. Dumbasses.
The award winning ending screen to this game. Congraturation! This Story Is Happy End! Hmm. They could have just picked up the phone and dialed any random number into the US and probably gotten an answer telling them how dumb they were. Dumbasses.

You Finished Once. That's Fine. It's Just the Same Thing Again... Don't Bother.

Besides, the last screen of the game isn’t even worth seeing. It’s stupid. I would love to see the looks on people’s faces the first time that they beat this game and realized that they had to beat it twice in a row in one sitting just to see the ending. And the ending is basically some screens with a bunch of typos that isn’t even worth seeing. Those damn Japanese designers couldn’t be bothered with opening up an American dictionary to get the spellings right. They were too busy smoking drugs out of a hamster’s butt crack.

Congratulations on winning that game indeed. You just wasted valuable time that could have been spent waxing your nose hairs. This is the first game that made you feel seriously guilty for not spending more time doing your homework, or finishing your chores. I mean you just felt dirty – like you needed a shower or something. This game was the biggest waste of time since Dr. Claw’s Dump n Pump. Now that game truly was total crap.

Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump on Sega Genesis

This game was total crap, let me tell you.
This game was total crap, let me tell you.

Was the Original Ghosts n Goblins for the NES Really Hard?

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© 2014 Rywads

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