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I'm not worried about the Zombie Apocalypse!

Updated on May 10, 2011
Pictured: Your nightmares
Pictured: Your nightmares | Source

Over recent years the whole theory of the Zombie Apocalypse has become very popular, inspiring numerous video games, films, TV shows, pieces of music and books. If you actually haven't seen or heard about Zombie's yet, chances are you have literally spent the last 100 years under a rock. 

Zombie's are 'The walking un-dead', a race of dead human's that walk the earth, seeking food. Usually brains and other human flesh. Although for some reason; never other Zombie's! A popular zombie saying would be "Braaaaaaains". Another may be "Uhhhhhhhhhhh". They are characterized by being incredibly stupid and clumsy, because you know, they're dead. They are also usually rotting and falling to pieces. Yet as human's we still fear these dead clumps of meat that don't exist, because one day "It could happen! And when it does, I'll be prepared!" 

Why we're superior

Let's be honest here, if it happened, we'd be too busy crapping ourselves to actually do anything about it. It scares us because it could affect anyone. Your brother, sister, wife, mother, father, uncles. Any of them, at any time, could become mindless murdering meat-bags, ready for YOU to become their next meal. So there's reason enough to panic. But don't.

You firstly have to remember a few things about humans that have allowed us to survive; and it's not that we're difficult to be killed because we're really not!

  • We're so damn good at killing everything - That's how we've done so well. We're "Smart". We can outwit that Lion, or that T-Rex, not because of our size but because Rex is stupid, and can't see us anyway! We have guns, knives and Tanks. In the long run, we're fine!
  • We heal after damaging ourselves - Our body, surprisingly, doesn't want us dead either, so it regenerates after we've hurt ourselves. A nifty feature that lets us last more than 2 seconds in the outside world!
  • We're fast - Like monkeys, and other quick animals, we're quite fast. And we also have very good balance. When running from an enemy we can very easily out-maneuver a bulky lion, or a fat Hippo.
  • We have excellent foresight in situations - We can see ahead into the future a little. We know, (from personal experience) that falling off a cliff hurts. So we know not to. Rex doesn't have that foresight and can't see the consequences of his actions so will, in certain situations, fall off a cliff. Probably.

Pictured: Endangered species
Pictured: Endangered species | Source

Why we're going to survive

Okay, so like I said just a second a go, we've survived for many reasons, one being we're so good at killing anything and everything. Hell, we'd even try kitten if it wasn't so damn cute.
But this is where a zombie fails. A zombie is MINDLESS. It doesn't think with it's brain, it thinks with it's stomach. So when a random stray dog decides it's dinner time, and Zombie is on the menu, will the un-dead bar-stool be able to protect himself? No, definitely not, he'd be a walking Big-Mac, hold the Mayo. Chances are he won't even know he's become dinner for pooch, until he's the re-dead...or whatever you call a dead zombie anyway.

Say Rex did decide he wanted in on Zombie for din-dins, what'd happen then? Well he'd have an awful lot missing, but hell, it's a zombie. He doesn't care, long as he get's his dinner (Us), might even get a sweet scar, and I'm sure Zombie chicks dig scars! (Inconclusive as of yet)
But wait, zombies are made-up of dead meat. That's what they are, and the last time I checked, dead meat doesn't re-heal itself. And it's not just massive savage attacks from extinct dinosaurs the Zombie has to worry about either; it's the day in, day out damage shuffling around the city does. Every stubbed toe, and graze will never, ever heal over. Can you imagine what life would be like if every scratch, graze, bruise and cut never healed? It'd be agony. Life would be awful, and very, very short.

So when the zombies do come after us, we're going to have to run, and fast! The process of running involves having blood pumped around your body feeding your muscles with air and blood that they desperately need to help them work properly. This involves our heart to be beating, which means we're alive. If we were dead, our heart wouldn't be beating.
But hang on a second, Zombies ARE dead. Their hearts are beating. As a result, their organs do not receive blood, and air and therefore don't work very effectively, if it all. At best, a Zombie is going to be dead slow (Get it?!)
They'll be easily outrun-able by, well anyone!

What really separates us and many other animals, dead or alive, is that we have the ability to perceive. We can look at a situation and discern it's outcome. If we see a cliff, we don't jump off it. We'll find a less vertical route down. But a zombie won't. If it did, it'd be a miracle, but it'd probably end up chucking itself over and hitting a hard floor below. And then, bye-bye zombie, hello thin veneer on the floor. Okay, so maybe not everyone lives in places where Cliffs are present. Well in that case, hello doors! Yes, if a Zombie can't even see that a Cliff is dangerous, how can it open a door successfully? It can't would be the simple answer. Then you just play the waiting game...Or if you have a gun...


Why you don't need to panic

Well, a good reason not to worry is that they don't exist! Even if they did, they'd be dead again within days. As for the spreading of the disease, well their only form of reproduction is their only way of eating. Can you imagine a choice between eating and having sex. Which would you choose? Okay, which would you choose if you didn't have a brain. That's right, you wouldn't choose, instinct would say "Eat this NOW". 
That's before we mention all the guns, bats, knives etc located in both the UK and USA. The poor old Zombie just doesn't stand a chance!

Do's and Don'ts

Let's just say for a second though, the zombies prevail to become the majority, and somehow their masses just keep building...What should you do? And what shouldn't you do? Well, here's a little guide...


  • Use weapons accordingly. Anything from a Gun to a Long metal bar can be used as a weapon. Just remember; don't get too close to the creature.
  • Hide in a well ventilated yet not easily accessible place. Zombies aren't smart. Or creative. Hiding in a store cupboard (With vents), attic or a roof-top will keep you safely away from any nasty Zombies.
  • Keep pets. As mentioned, a dog will find the prospect of a nice healthy Zombie very tempting. As for diseases, often dogs aren't affected by human disease, but observe strays firstly anyway, just in case.
  • Cripple the legs. Even if the zombie is slow anyway, a quick shot to the legs will make it even slower.
  • Have a car. Cars will make getting around the Zombie infested wasteland very easy and safe. Plus a 12 stone, rotting hunk of flesh is no match for a 2-Tonne Land-Rover.
  • Find others. More is better and safer for you and everyone around you. You can have look-out shifts throughout the night too! And you may be able to repopulate the world (If it ever gets that far, if not, go ahead anyway!)
  • Keep plenty of food. You need food to, you know, survive. Water is needed too. If you are in a place where these things are not accessible, move!
  • Have a phone, Radio or other contact device with you at all times. You never know when you might be in need of contacting the outside world, so get connected and stay connected. It may mean your life.


  • Don't panic! You're probably not going to become a human happy meal! And besides, you make some pretty stupid decisions when you do panic, and you don't want to be doing anything that'll get yourself killed.
  • Don't visit gun-shops or places where other, more crazy people may relocate themselves - You'll just end up getting yourself needlessly killed!
  • Don't wear excessive baggy clothing. If you get caught on a dastardly branch, it could mean life or death! All for a pair of baggy jeans...
  • Don't forget the little things. Everything counts, including every bullet, knife-blade and snack. If you do happen to stumble across anything that may be important, keep it! You may need it later.
  • Don't desert your friends. If they'll save you, save them. You may regret it when you're all on your own against a horde of the un-dead.
  • Don't leave it to chance. Just make sure everything's in order before you retire for the night, or go out for a nice day of post-apocalyptic sight seeing! It only takes one slip up to kill you.


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