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Inside the Armor - A Warcraft Tale
Out of the Abby - The Journal of Ulryck
New Adventures, New perspectives,
13 years of training at Northshire Abby for this? Goldshire was my first stop along the road and this place smells like yester-weeks slaughtered cow. You couldn't believe the things some of these people have asked me since getting to the inn, I can tell you right now that they have no respect for a warrior of the light, charged with holy purpose and divine power, at least that's what the certificate i got from the priests says. Why did i ever get lost from Darkshire anyway? Oh yeah, the spiders, the worgen, lets not forget the ghouls and their fetid claws on the windows every night. Enough to drive any kid to find a better life, I think that someone stole my spare candle from my desk...why does a place so popular not have enough locking doors!? The blacksmith across the street has some work for me tomorrow, bout time i got a job, I'll let you know how it goes. ~Ulryck
Working compromises -
So I was propositioned for rather unpleasant activities yesterday, this inn still doesn't have doors anywhere, its drafty at night, I think sometimes that they are refusing to give me candles because its like someone has a special Stormwind Crown tax on them or something, why is everyone so crazy in the place? The Blacksmith has more work than I thought, but I still have no clue how, i think he has a special assistant who throws out trash after I hand it to him, seriously I have been to him like 10 times and he keeps losing items in the woods. When does this guy ever leave my sight? Tomorrow he wants me to go to a mine with some sort of rat people in it, top my holy adventure off with a glass of mass murder, thank you barkeep!... ugh! Might as well pretend I am doing the lights business out here, cause that blacksmith seems shady, but he pays in real coin, I hope this stuff has some value somewhere. ~Ulryck
Payment in full -
Well, HELLOOOO candles... Found out where all the wax around this filthy shire is, and i didn't even mind the kobolds, or the destruction it took to get these precious sticks back, the blacksmith who i think is the master mind behind some sort of "part losing" pyramid scheme paid me with some cheap costume jewelry. I think he knows how to work adventurers like me, and has been fencing us for years. I've had it here though, Stormwind, that's the place. I heard that the streets are bustling with excitement, which is better than walking in on some of the "excitement" you'll find in this inn. I would tell them to just get a room, but they had one, mine.. and they didn't look like they were leaving. Tomorrow though, I am packing up my mace and heading to the capitol, I think the first place I will stop is this famous barber shop, they said its all the rage, and i do want to look good, I'm planning on joining up with the cathedral, I've heard good things about this archbishop benedictus? something like that.. I can't wait to meet him I will let you know how it goes! ~Ulryck
First Impressions -
First, let me say that this place is enormous, Stormwind is ten times the size of the abby, and that is including the burning fields, with crates of apples that the priests "mysteriously" have left INSIDE of an area covered by strange glowing wolves. God those wolves never shut up, thank the light I am not that poor hunter who tried to tame one, the sounds that guy made when they ate him...? It was nearly enough to make me stop eating my lunch, bleh!. I digress, so where was I? yes. Stormwind, well, it has a nearly inexhaustible amount of people, I haven't been to the cathedral yet, because some guy in the alley keeps asking me for money, and I only have what the blacksmith gave me, I heard him try to tell someone he was blind!, how long has that guy been standing there anyway, you know he's eating, he looks like he's been working out, everyone here does, how much steroids does it take to run a kingdom, no wonder they say don't swim in the canals!. I have been here for nearly 2 days and I'm staying at an inn just outside an auction house, the clatter all night is enough to make you mad, and what is this blessed wind song, wind keeper wind something sword? It has to be a local term everyone is screaming about it, and asking for it, it's going to take some time to learn the lingo around here for certain. i asked if anyone knew anything about the light, and most people said to just turn it on? Ugh...this Paladin stuff is not at all what the abby priests promised me, tomorrow, I have it planned out, leave early, barber shop, then cathedral before that vagabond tries to scalp money from me. wish me luck! ~Ulryck
This archbishop is insane, and what's his fascination with tentacles, that's not part of the holy scriptures! This guy wants me to go all the way across the world on a boat, he said to ask for some Capt. Placeholder?! what kind of a name is that? just to go into a swamp filled with brambles, and pig people who have apparently started worshipping some dead guy?! Screw THAT!, what kind of an idiot goes and does that by himself just to prove himself to the light? He says if i go pray to a rock in the middle of a pond near gold shire (Oh, how I, relish the thought of returning there....) that I can learn how to resurrect the dead...I have no clue what sort of snake oil this crazy old man is drinking, or his one eye'd assistant is on, that says he can train me, but I'm not moving one inch till i get some help....Oh!...and the barber shop? butcher shop is more like it, do you know they're removing FACES in there?! How is that a license profession??, there isn't a doctors gown in the whole place, and some 3 finger goblin is going to fix my hair, I plan to see what sort of king is running this place tomorrow, and give him a piece of my mind, I heard he's been missing for a while and his kid is running the place. Given the funhouse of horrors that I have seen SO far? I'm not shocked a twelve year old is calling the shots. ~Ulryck
The kid -
Well, I met Anduin Wrynn lord of the alliance, ruler of the realm, and govern of its people...and stuck up 12 year old, who said this kid could rule? His head looks like a shoe, he has a woman advising him who obviously has created a career out of helping him wipe his ass. Separation of church and state my ass. No one offered help with Archbishop Ben-Executus plan tentacle! The three standing around there looked like they were drugged, except for that Bolvar fellow, he looks like he could tackle about 12 dragons at once and still come out smiling, something tells me some day he could be...kind of a big deal. The dwarves seem like a bunch of nice people, short, pleasant, a good degree of swagger, all the things one looks for in a drinking buddy. Maybe I will visit them, train ride they say is fast, whatever the hell a train is. We'll find out tomorrow though I can barely stay up, standing in line all day to see the king of the the shoe-faced people took up all my energy. Hail to the King! ~Ulryck
People ride this train?! I nearly soiled my armor I was so scared, theres no doors, theres barely a rail to hold onto, and it has to be faster, well ok, ill confess to you journal, it wasn't my idea, but a couple of the guys and two mages, at the abby thought it would be fun to throw fire at a wandering merchants horse. Well one thing led to another, and of course the warlocks got involved (they are always so snobby, Oooo look at what i can summon out of thin air, can you do that??) Well anyway they lobbed a fireball at the horse, it lit, ran straight into the gate going out of the abby, and..well to not put too fine a point on it..MIGHT have exploded. We all got blamed and ended up having clean the stables for a week. Back to the tram though, my eyes were watering and I am pretty sure I saw ocean at least twice, they said this is a gnomish invention but how on earth do they build something like that with such tiny hands!? I feel terrible for the little guys, one of them was trapping rats on the empty platform when the tram stopped I saw him making rat kabobs and selling them, is that a thing?? Who does that?!. Anyway, I made it to the military quarter, where I will start looking around the city tomorrow, this place is enormous! I hear good things about the generosity, and selfless charity of dwarves, I really hope that's true, cause the money that blacksmith in Goldshire gave me is running thin, and I don't want to eat rat kabobs! ~Ulryck
The generous Dwarves of Ironforge
Generous, Means liar in Dwarven -
When i get my hands on that that Stormwind barkeep, I am going to kick the light right up his...well..ahem, yes, anyway, so I have been lied to about the dwarves, very crafty, but not so "give-y". The caverns here are great for fishing, but I have no idea how they get fish back in that pool. They follow the light in some sections of this place, but they're very concerned about this lost dwarven city, or that lost dwarven town, if i lost THAT many civilizations and towns? I would start carrying a map around everywhere, cause apparently these people have no sense of direction, never find their way home, and just sprout up a new town wherever they get lost. At least the food is good, if you don't mind everything being beer basted, i think i've lost more than one night on the floor of a tavern after a big meal here. Am I drinking away my money from helping the blacksmith?? You mind your own business on that one journal!. Reply hazy try again in the morning...~Ulryck
The company of Dwarves -
I've had enough time with these people, and enough time working with hangovers, time to do some real adventuring and get serious, I'm setting out tomorrow to trek north I hear its sunny all the time up there. I have been offered tons of invitations for some sort of money earning deal, but i can not pronounce any of the names of the many people who have asked me, and they apparently do not speak my language, everyone calls them farmers, but they look like they are wearing brand new clothes, well, whatever. I'm out of here tomorrow with a group of adventurers like me, they say that a trip north and a quick stop at a haunted house for fun will be good for me. They look like pretty nice people, though a bit strange. One guy keeps screaming "Woo-hoo" at the top of his lungs, and wears a dress, I have started calling him Mr. Woohoo. He doesn't seem to object. They say he's a paladin, but wow, I hope being a paladin doesn't drive me THAT insane, anyway, adventure awaits! ~Ulryck
On the road -
Day one of traveling from Ironforge and heading north, morale among my group seems to be vastly different than those I met in the abby, everyone here seems to have a serious face about them, and they continue to inform me of things that are very serious business. I am getting sick of that phrase but they seem to be in good spirits. I have no idea where they are going, but if its good experience to get out in the world then I'm going to do it! I just need to make smart decisions and keep my sense of direction about me. We made camp tonight outside of a northern pass that leads to the valley of kings, 4 hours hunting for food is enough to make me wish i learned how to be a hunter, apparently boars and wolves have good meat on them, but If I don't find something to eat by tomorrow, I'm going to eat Sir Iaun's cat, that thing looks like its been fed well. I have no idea how he became knighted or why he insists on pronouncing his name Siriaun as if the title should be rammed headlong over his name. Some of the foreign adventurers here make little sense to me. I do not quite understand why going to a haunted house will help me but I am willing to go along, I just wish they would feed me before the leather on my boot straps starts to look delicious. Deliver me from hunger, Journal! ~Ulryck
Kills made! Starvation abated!, Sickness quickly to follow!
Much like some of the tribes I heard about in ancient history books at the abby, these people waste no effort in using EVERY part of the wolf, and by Every, I am trying to tell you that when adventuring, a strong stomach might be the best equipment to bring with you. I never knew you could use wolf eyes for a stew, and well, ta-dah! dinner is served... The kill was made by yours truly, apparently the light can show favoritism at times, and decided it wants to keep me around. these people want me to fix every wound and scrape, is this really how a Paladin has to do his work? I tell them not to worry, I can handle boar hunting, but they insist I stick at home with the druids and priests. This is no way for a soldier of the light to work, I hope that I get to swing a hammer at something soon, and not in the witch doctor, shake, shake, shake, that I heard shamans do things, bunch of mongrels and savages, I tell you. Groans, ah!, there is the indigestion I have been waiting to come calling! Sorry my good journal you may lose a few pages from the back for this. ~Ulryck
Oh...HAUNTED house...I get it now...
Fun trip thanks for the laughs, where's the door, and how on Azeroth did I EVER get caught up with these people?!...Indigestion was one thing, most of these things have digested their last meal during the second war, while I am all for visiting the crypts and lands of people who knew the older Wrynn line, I did not think waking up this morning that I would be clearing them out crypt by crypt. I have swung more light today than the night watchman at the abby has in 30 years with his lantern. I will never get the smell of this place out of my chainmail...oh geez, i think theres teeth in my boot, and I don't want to look. I will check first thing in the morning, or never, I think I'm done wearing these things, do you know people actually wanted me to KEEP some of that stuff? Who would ever want it? I hope that they sanitize those weapons, one of our warriors kept the sword that still had a corpse hand clinging to it, he thinks he can train the arm as a pet, I will never shake that warriors hand again, that I can promise. Scholomance at night is a beautiful sight if you do not mind things moving around in the dark, I am not going swimming in that lake tomorrow either, count me in for the party going around, I know how to cleanse, and that my dear journal is NOT cleanse-able. ~Ulryck
Cosmic power indeed...
I think the mages are holding out on us, I saw one pull bread right out of his robes, that thing has an enormous number of pockets, or he's stealing food. I heard Sis-of the Co-Company a warrior who seemed a bit bored this whole adventure say that a mage is nothing but a vendor in cloth machinery. I do not know what sort of machination they are capable of, but If i catch them stealing food I will hammer some magical pancakes I promise that one. It is impossible to sleep here the plague lands indeed...this place stinks of rot, and it seems no matter how many we kill the dead numbers seem ceaseless. We are moving north, further towards the castle of the once great kingdom of Lordaeron, and in to Stratholme one of the most populous cities this far north, Tomorrow is Ander-something-hall, where I am going to meet a yellow dragon who's not a dragon she's a gnome, and she does time magic but can't change time, its all very confusing, why would anyone EVER want to tell a story involving the alteration of time? ~Ulryck
Oh, What Fun in the tales we tell !
What Locations in an adventure interest you most?
The corpse stench in this place, really does go to eleven...I though that the house of the dead back there on the other side of the lake was something special, but in the open air? This place seems to have no end. I heard they were rebuilding sections of it...and I need to ask myself why? It is a sign of pure stubborn human existence. I met Chromie?, what sort of a name is that?! for a dragon I am as of yet, not terribly impressed, I mean here I am, adventurer, traveler, undead slayer, hungry, tired, and covered in whatever that sludge was from around the lake...but I meet my FIRST dragon and it barely comes up to my knee? I expected a bit more I didn't even get to see her breathe fire, and as far as business locations? Mr. Woohoo said it best when he yelled Woohoo! after chasing bees or butterflies, or whatever other shiny object caught his attention on the way into this dump. The dragon was looking for stuff I don't even think we can find anymore, chromatic scales?, what dragon can't get scales from themselves?! We stayed the next night in a farmhouse close enough to almost mask the smell from Andorhal. Tomorrow we're going to find out how much of this food we can salvage and what is not plague infested. Sounds like our cook Tyg Hawkins, who is also the most foul mouth priest i have ever met, will be serving us up something that will make us wish we were victims of the plague instead. ~Ulryck
When first traveling in the plague lands one can not imagine this place ever having water that does not have something crawling out of it on more than the required number of legs used for locomotion. Second, trees..breathing. that's right dear journal, your once solid life born form apparently can breathe much more than I believe one should see it breath...Third thing? grubs..no not the tiny things under rocks, we're talking land-whales, we lost two men to one near the bridge getting into here, one got swallowed, the other we lost when the thing died, poor bastard got buried under two tons of fat jello. We could have saved him sure, but, it is better not to, I didn't want to touch that thing to roll it, and you weren't there! QUIT JUDGING ME JOURNAL!...Anyway, fourth on the list? Death Cultists, what, in the name of the light unscrewed these winners from a life of sanity? They come running at you full speed screaming, drooling, and totally unbathed, they are offensive in about 8 different ways, and they actually WANT you to kill them?? If I knew what i know, I would never have left Darrowshire, sure we have the wolves, the nighttime corpse in the garden and there is no such thing as daylight there, but at least life made sense....sorta. Now if we could just find the path that leads to the Deathknight camp, sounds fantastic....~Ulryck
We've been camped in the abandoned town of Darrowshire now for a night, while we continue to stock up on crazies, infected water, slime puddles, blood, corpses, bones FROM the corpses, and zombie drool Goodness! don't forget the zombie drool!...I ask myself what we are going to do with all this grave moss, cause I am sure not getting my armor any cleaner with it, this caravan reeks of month old cologne...I'd take a swim in my chainmail but its not the weight of the metal i need to worry about dragging me down to the bottom...The home of the death knights is not far from here, 2 days hike at most, but the closer we get to the adventure I sought out for from the abby, the further I get from my good humored nature. Speaking of nature, the breathing trees are seriously an issue, what did they even make these buildings out of?? I wouldn't cut one of those trees down, odds are they scream...We lost an warrior last night, i can't recall his name Lek something?...all i know is when he fell asleep near the door, he kept screaming Lekgo? Lek-Go-lo! something like that, it was tough to understand his accent, maybe that's how his people say Let Me Go...Poor fool got dragged off into the darkness by something that probably lined it's nest with him. Oh well, he was always passed out on the supply cart until we had to fight something anyway. I guess some losses are easier to bear than others. ~Ulryck
It's been a while?....Oh yeah? sure journal, you can get on like that, that's easy for YOU to say. Didn't you know? There's a GODDAMNED WAR GOING ON!!....Four months, in this hell hole, we moved towards "Light's Hope" and that is exactly what it really is...hope is fleeting and so is the numbers, this might as well be the last stand of humanity we're losing, and if we don't get it on, then the dead around the walls are gonna get it on for us...killing undead ain't like dusting crops you know. Speaking of crops?...they're alive, as in...previously stated....BREATHING....did I mention breathing??...Join the army they said, see the world they said...Know who said that? Leonid Barthalomew....and if you don't know his name, he works for the Argent Crusade, Annnnnd...He's dead. has been for years, that's right, walking corpse...Join the army MY ASS...~Ulryck
A weeks worth of hard fighting, we lost 3 and our numbers are dwindling, that's the best thing I can say about "Lights Hope" what a pit, is there ANY water around here? We have a well, but the liquid that comes out of it has to be blessed BEFORE it can be boiled, and that's AFTER a cross is dropped into the bucket, assuming of course, that the water stays IN the bucket after and doesn't explode into the face of the "cross dropper" - poor Brother Cubeice, he almost survived those horrible burns, but really what sort of life would that be like? No face, or discernible location to put food in? and speaking of lidless eyes, I'm sick of Captain Leonid leaving parts all over the place, without eyelids, how is one supposed to tell when he's joking? I can't tell if he's laughing at me or just grinning because he lost his lips on Thursday, its upsetting, and speaking of lips, have you ever seen the size of the mouth on an abomination? they're the size of 2 human legs, because they ARE 2 human legs, wanna know how i know, journal!? cause it took an hour to get its head off and another 3 hours to get its fat body into the funeral pyre. Who's making these things!? and where are they coming from? Signs point to Strathelome, which is our next destination, but not till the waves of undead stop, we got a dwarf here who's pushing like hell to get in that place to steal what he calls "Le Grande Cigar" and i have no idea what that's supposed to be...I don't know what's worse....losing good fighters? or fighting them AGAIN tomorrow after they've been defiled, I think I would rather die, but then again...I rarely see a zombie go hungry...Thank the light YOU are our troop commander, you know what, i know of a dinner party that your more suited for, cause rations are getting slim around here but your still plump as a fair day goose.... Would you like seconds again, Captain Leonid?? ~Ulryck
Met a priestess of Elune today, during a break in the fighting, and my holy light, if all night elves look like that, I am adding Darnassus on the visiting checklist...Priestess Anna-st-ah-my-god-a-tough-to-say-sha? Who ever learned to use the high speech over there to name people, has got to be kidding me, ALL their name are like 20 letters long and no one can pronounce them!!...And another thing, how is anyone ever supposed to keep their mind on the fight when every damn night for hours on end they strip down, climb up on a mailbox and dance naked for hours. That's right, DANCE...NAKED for HOURS....What in the 9 hells kind of a goddess demands THAT as a form of worship!? And why do they simply ask for money when they do it to "honor their goddess" ? You can't break into a conversation with some priestess gyrating like that, and what is their goddess doing with all that coin?...they are worse than the damn dwarves, if the dwarves looked like this, I would have been broke at Iron Forge! So aside from her odd fascination with mailbox-pole dancing, Im not sure what their holy texts must consist of, I know for a fact they don't teach THAT stuff back at the shire! Moral has never been higher since her and 15 of her, Read: TWIN SISTERS....showed up...The living dead at the fence line, and poverty at the hands of our own help, why did I ever leave the valley again? ~Ulryck
Mailbox? or Cashbox...You be the judge.
Two Days Hence!
Recall I mentioned No Light Shines Here?....well Lights Hope is slang for no hope, and that goes double for trying to get a night elf into you're tent at night. or into the chapel alone, or well, shit...pretty much damn near anywhere alone. Poor Sir Yeon, nearly lost an eye AND an arm, and he will likely have trouble using that hand for a while too, guess that will teach a guy to interrupt the sacred mailbox, pole dance, Elune, worshipping session. It appears the battle here is nearly won, though I would never call it a victory, and I plan to go with the remainder of the guild when we retreaa....I mean when we tactfully Advance in the Opposite direction of the Fighting. Let the dead take this place, and we'll leave a sortie of troops here, our goal is Strathelome, now to find a map, or best we can find one, and move forward towards the floating slime oozing citadel that is positioned above the disease spewing mushrooms...Wait..what?! Our Guild leader might have mental problems...Dear Journal...Hold me, I'm scared. ~Ulryck
So, lost, and by that journal, what I mean is the land might eat us before the zombies. Poor priestess lost a game of tag with one of them today, and we thought the worse, but, as it turns out night elves can't be raised from the dead! So I guess hurray for selective diseases?...It's a good thing too, cause I would hate to fight a hot corpse. Hot corpse?...yeah, well don't judge me journal...
Finally moving north by north west, or west by north?...Follow the river?!! Who in the 7 hells WROTE these directions? we've been moving in circles, I'm guessing because I swear I have seen this old campsite before, where the ashes are fresh from cooking. Like...last night, and i know for a fact I have seen the disease spreading mushroom we passed before as well. Even though I'm certain we are walking in circles, we always seem to be walking uphill...constantly...Our new companion priestess who joined a few days ago, carries nothing...and levitates. Gosh her poor purple overworked feet, life has to be tough right?....Hold still journal, Im certain our warlock is getting eaten by a giant grub...AGAIN, I should probably help him.
So, lets run down the checklist just ONE more time for the plague lands.
- Breathing tree stumps - √
- Relentless undead - √
- Fanatical Crusaders - √
- Hell hounds, bats, giant carrion grubs - √
- Floating slime spewing citadels?!? - √
- Deadly plague shrooms - √
- And puddles of Zombie drool - let's double check that...√ √
People actually WANT this place back!?...We've finally reached Strathelome and I have to say, I'm sort of impressed..Word has it that Prince Arthas burned this place as described by locals "TO THE GROUND BABY!" whatever that means...But it appears inside of there, that its raining. Pretty much always. So either these fires are magic or he's still in there torching this place each night like a fire bug and sneaking around at night to light the hundreds of empty buildings on fire...We met another priestess who was yelling obscenities at the gates, we decided to invite her along, but she is demanding to give her all the "crusader orbs" that we find which she described as small white balls filled with magic...Look Journal, I think this priest is nice and all but "Miss" Fleadon Clair or just, Clair, has an awful deep voice, and I think she's a man. A man with an awesome set of...Hem-lines?...yes. those.
Nice to meet You "Miss" Clair.
We are camping tonight in an abandoned building, one of the few that we could secure, outside, is the sounds of horror, like a broken contraption that is running poorly, screaming in the night without end. It's tight quarters here for a party of 15, I can feel eyes around us at all times but we posted a guard, too bad that doesn't help the sounds, or help us sleep. We have only passed inside the parapets, and by the time we broke into here then secured a place to camp? I am already wishing I was outside this haunted place with the giant..man eating slugs?...Ah yes, screaming banshees in the night or eaten in the night by a tube sock with teeth....fair trade.
© 2014 Ulryck Jones