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Juggling Chainsaws- A Fun Hobby, But Avoid These Seven Distractions When Doing So

Updated on August 16, 2014

Concentration, people!

Yes, I’ve gone down some interesting roads with you while pursuing these safety tips and treasure troves of immense knowledge, but it’s time to raise the bar. In the past, we’ve been interested in looking out for one’s general safety, culture, well-being and other aspects in order to focus on a quality life, but for now, right now, at this time, we want to boost it up a notch. Not only do we desire to pursue safety techniques and ensure you don’t end up incarcerated, we want to pursue that quintessential moment of joy and clarity of mind; the moment of wonder only achieved when juggling chainsaws while no longer distracted by other seemingly worthwhile pursuits.

Because we know we can exhibit supreme confidence in the knowledge that juggling chainsaws prompts a state of mind, a pinnacle of supreme consciousness, a moment of Zen like nothing else in the Universe (juggling chainsaws helps one achieve a Oneness with the Universe), we desire to help our cherished and devoted Readers take pleasure in this moment of splendor without the distraction of lost limbs, screaming passersby or sirens and Tazer burns.

Yes, you can take comfort, dear friends, that we are truly here for you.

Solving the Rubik’s Cube

Accomplishing this goal is by far one of the finest and most rewarding things a human being can do before they embark on the spiritual journey to meet their maker. Yes, solving this mesmerizing puzzle should be, in our opinion, a prerequisite before one can move to the next level of spiritual ability, or, depending on one’s beliefs, enter through the Gates of Heaven. Yes, we’re of the philosophy that St. Peter would be standing there with a golden cube and would merely hand it over, unsolved and with nothing else said. Should you be able to solve it and hand it back without any explanations or excuses, passing through those gates would be so, so rewarding.

But you cannot solve the Rubik’s Cube while actively juggling chainsaws. We’ve conducted extensive testing on the subject and, regardless of how many subjects we’ve lost to blood loss or severe trauma to the skull and face, in order to make absolutely sure these two phenomenal accomplishments could not be done simultaneously. In fact, we were able to convince an all-girl’s school located in the far eastern corners of Switzerland to prove us wrong, but still, not one student managed to do both successfully without suffering severe injury, or worse, a broken Rubik’s Cube. Hey, there were one hundred and fourteen students there, and not one succeeded. And that’s in Switzerland!

You see, one of the worst situations when it comes to this lofty pursuit is the cube is often dropped. Then, because one is likely to have a minimum of three chainsaws in action, when the juggler is in the act of retrieving the dropped cube, it gets accidentally kicked and then the drama just thickens from there. Eventually, we see the pursuer juggling the chainsaws while chasing a cube along the sidewalk; trying to get hold of it before the continual trauma eventually places risk on the plastic, or worse, one of the colored stickers.

Because, as we all know, once a square sticker on the beloved cube is lifted by any degree, people will begin accusing one of cheating by merely pulling and replacing the stickers, and that would be a compromise of sinful proportions.

Okay, let’s be honest. You should never, NEVER, accuse a person of such an atrocity when they’re anywhere near chainsaws. Just saying.

Grooming Cats

We have to admit that we never considered, not even once, that there is a possibility to juggle the chainsaws when they’re NOT running until the time of publication (yes, it does seem to slip into the batshit category, huh?), so we cannot say for certain one couldn’t accomplish both tasks simultaneously. Yes, one just might be able to juggle inert chainsaws while grooming cats. So, if there are any readers who can pull this off, please have the moment of truth recorded on video and send it to us. In fact, should you manage to do this, contact CNN and have them get the miracle on video. Now that we think about it, the voice of Wolf Blitzer wouldn’t be so annoying if he was providing his Petri dish-shallow insight on this extraordinary moment.

But we can tell you with confidence that attempting to juggle chainsaws while grooming cats should be avoided. This is particularly true when one is trying to juggle five chainsaws while locked in a typical Holiday’s Inn hotel room with thirty seven cats.

We were limited in funds and space availability when we sought to discover the truth. Plus, when we obtained the cats, we were specifically instructed we had to take them all.

In retrospect, we truly wish we could’ve convinced Wolf Blitzer to make the attempt. That likely would go viral on YouTube.

Conducting an Easter Egg Hunt

We do have to admit that juggling chainsaws while conducting an Easter Egg Hunt might be possible, maybe, should everyone there be informed of what’s about to take place.

Obtaining a Tarot Card Reading

This is one of those moments when things just clash and distract at virtually every level. The Sage (or whatever they like to call themselves these days) often states they prefer things to be quiet (yep, we’re back to the realm of batshit again), so the rather noisy two-stroke engines of the finer chainsaws (we like Stihl, just so you know) tend to drown out the supposed concentration required by the card reader.

When the ATM machine reads my bank card, it doesn’t complain so much about the noise, now does it?

It’s just that we’re in a moment of severe skepticism when it comes to this. Now, it isn’t as though we feel the reading of Tarot Cards is a bad idea or some sort of scam; in fact, we feel quite the opposite and find reading the cards a very worthwhile endeavor. But look, one must understand we’re of the mindset that pursues the truth in all things worthwhile. Therefore, we know with confidence one does not need to achieve some concocted state of mind when reading the cards, nor does one need the pathetically overrated odor of patchouli. We know for a fact that the Tarot Cards, just like several other Oracles (such as Runes and I Ching) are based on human paradigms and archetypes, all of which can stimulate subconscious mindsets when employed, providing some internal insight to whatever subject is the focus of the momentary meditation. Therefore, the chanting and rattling of rat bones is far more of a distraction that the gentle purr of a two-stroke engine as it’s being whirled into the air alongside at least two others of its kind.

So, Madame Wrinkle Cleavage, cut the crap. Who do you think you’re fooling here?

But then, we just can’t seem to get these two topics together in the same room. We’ve been to thirteen different card readers of the Tarot, and none of them, not one, will perform a satisfactory reading (complete with different meanings when the cards are upside down) while we have the receiver of the reading juggling chainsaws.

Sometimes, you just have to wonder how we ever made it to the moon.

Crashing a Wedding

Please take a look at and then consider the above entry about Easter Egg Hunts.

Now, we have found that having a chainsaw juggler there as something to see while holding a wedding (just like flower girls, ring bearers, the wedding singer and the hero at the open bar) can be an amusing distraction (although people tend to bitch and whine if the chainsaws are rumbling while the vows are exchanged…yeah, whatever), it just isn’t the same when everyone already knows about it. But then, nobody is ever invited to crash a wedding (except in certain Midwestern suburbs, but that’s something out of a Honey Boo Boo episode).

But actually crashing a wedding with chainsaw jugglers (especially when there are more than a baker’s dozen of them) boosts the drama factor to a point where things get newsworthy.

And for those who are curious, they won’t allow anyone to juggle chainsaws in jail.

Yeah. Whatever.

Learning to Play the Harmonica

This comes to a point of resonance. For whatever reason, the sound and pitch of the running chainsaws somehow resonates with the melodies created by the harmonica.

Now, we do believe that the expert harmonica player might be able to play the harmonica (particularly with that headset thingie, holding it in place) and juggle the chainsaws at the same time, but we’re struggling to find anyone who can do both. We’ve been attempting contact with Billy Joel, Neil Young, and Bob Dylan in order to see if playing the harmonica and juggling chainsaws (performing both tasks at the expert level) would be possible, but they continue to reply with threats of restraining orders.

Yeah, and we thought they were entertainers, too.

But we have learned with certainty that learning to play the harmonica by anyone who has any level of ability to juggle chainsaws is meeting with continual disappointment, blood loss, and severe limb and head trauma.

After conducting more than one hundred and fifty experiments, the best we can come up with is that the sounds of the two different contraptions resonate within the confines of the human auditory spectrum, lulling the pursuer into some sort of distracted state. We suspect that should one be able to perform both tasks simultaneously that a heightened state of mind could be attained (yes, the OM Factor) then a new level of consciousness could be achieved, but so far the only real results are one 911 call after another.

We’ll keep you informed of our progress.

Getting a Flea Market Tattoo

In honesty, we have to assume that getting any tattoo done by anyone, anywhere, would be a daunting challenge when juggling the chainsaws. But most tattoo artists prefer to work indoors (the Divas) and ceiling heights rarely support the chainsaw juggling without the unfortunate incidents of chandelier collisions or the abrupt loss of spin control with the chainsaws upon impact with a ceiling below fifteen feet.

Yep, you guessed it. More 911 calls.

So, flea market tattoos were our last resort. Now, keep in mind that one cannot just enter the flea market while juggling the chainsaws without some sort of advanced announcement to those who run these events because, we’ve discovered to our horror, those who frequent these events tend to get way, way too close and then often push their young children into a close proximity of the juggler in order to snap pictures. Not only does this result in more emergency calls, but the cotton candy machines, which are always nearby, end up contaminated with blood, prompting a complete shutdown of the operation and a loss of cotton candy profits.

Don’t allow this to happen to you, gentle readers. These cotton candy vendors rely on those flea market profits for their very lives. It isn’t as though there’s some sort of fair going on in every zip code every weekend, just so you know.

To sum it up, we’ve found that most every flea market tattoo artist gets somewhat unnerved when their customer is juggling chainsaws while they’re trying to concentrate on the tattoo going onto the chest, thigh, buttocks, or calf of the juggler.

Hey, in order to point out something to those who fail to recognize the obvious: one cannot get a tattoo on their arms while those arms are busy juggling chainsaws. Duh. Further, because the arms are in continuous motion, placing a quality tattoo on the neck of the juggler is also impossible (based on forty two different attempts to prove otherwise), so one would suppose the intelligent individual would recognize that trying to tattoo someone who is juggling chainsaws should only occur on body parts not moving a lot while the chainsaws are airborne. Just saying.

Regardless, we’ve reached a point where we believe the entire scenario should be avoided. The tattoo artist is distracted by the chainsaws, the continual flow of children pushed into their laps in order to create a unique photo opportunity, and the subtle movements of the body of the one being tattooed when the chainsaws are in motion. After all, in order for the tattoo to be considered a success, the subject being tattooed should remain perfectly still.

That’s because a sudden plunge of the tattoo needle into the knee of the juggler results in a moment of distraction, and then chainsaws are just flying around willy-nilly, leading to more emergency calls and prompting a potential for the arrival of Wolf Blitzer.

My gentle readers, do everyone a favor by not causing such potential for the arrival of Wolf Blitzer.

So, there you go, everyone! A total of seven (count ‘em, bitches, 7) things to avoid when juggling chainsaws, even on sunny days. Should any of you wonderful people come up with any other things to avoid when juggling chainsaws, please just contact us via the contact page on Roddy’s website and we’ll get the word out to those in need of knowing.

We’re always glad to help with knowledge on issues of Things to Avoid in life, so stay tuned with us and live a happier, more fulfilling life.

Hey, you’re welcome.


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    • RoddyJDryer profile imageAUTHOR

      Roddy J Dryer 

      4 years ago from Central Florida

      But it's so expensive...

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 

      4 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      I want some of whatever you were smoking, drinking AND/OR inhaling while writing this hub! ;-D


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