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Post E3 Predictions: Riding the Hype Train All the Way to Disappointment!
Well now that E3 has ended and the dust had a chance to settle, it’s time to start making predictions. What kind of predictions, you ask? Why, which games will be horribly disappointing of course! See, I have a knack for spotting which games announced at E3 will wind up being a let down for some reason or another. I was right that Assassin’s Creed Unity would be a technical fail of epic proportions, and I predicted that Watch Dogs, Destiny, Evolve, and Titanfall would be all let downs. Not necessarily bad, but not nearly as good as everyone was predicting they would be.
So I decided to use my powers of insight and dart throwing to predict which games featured at this year’s E3 will wind up breaking fanboys’ and girls’ hearts. I’ll also be predicting what each game's Metacritic rating will be. These ratings will be created using the same method as actual Metacritic scores (in that I will just make something up). First up:
1. Final Fantasy VII HD Remake
Why it will be disappointing: First off, it will be plagued with delays and won’t be out for another three years. Also, Square Enix will make “improvements” to the story and gameplay. Tweeks to the gameplay will be largely positive, but story changes will leave fans furious. Dialogue will be changed in order to write Cloud as maximum emo. Overall, it will still be a good game, but not the over-blown gaming messiah it has been built up as over the years. Gamers will have to grapple with the fact that it isn’t 1997 anymore and while this game is still really great, it’s not “as good” now as it was then.
Metacritic Rating: 89
2. Assassin’s Creed Syndicate
Why it will be disappointing: While this game will ship in a better state than Unity, it will still have a lot of technical problems inhibiting it. Fans of the series will lose hope of AC going back to its glory days when it was fresh and actually worked properly. Tumblr feminists will discover instances of sexism in the game. An Internet war will break out. A small group of fans in the corner will moan about how "there’s no boats." Most side quests will be boring.
Metacritic Rating: 83
3. Kingdom Hearts III
Why it will be disappointing: Oh it will be a wonderful game with gorgeous visuals, great gameplay, and awesome levels. However, the story will be incomprehensible for anyone who doesn’t possess an encyclopedia amount of knowledge on the franchise. So basically everyone with the exception of maybe twelve people. Story will also end on a cliffhanger and/or some other way that leaves things open for more, ensuring another decade of spin offs spanning multiple systems. Fans will weep because all they want anymore is a conclusion to this overblown story.
Metacritic Rating: 85
4. Star Wars Battlefront
Why it will be disappointing: Did someone say DLC? Because there will be a lot of it. The base game will be excellent, but the amount of money gamers will have to spend to get everything will be insane. EA will also turn this into a biannual series, replacing Medal of Honor as its second big FPS series. Fans will cry foul at turning such a beloved franchise into a cash cow. But then still play it obsessively anyway.
Metacritic Rating: 87
5. Rise of the Tomb Raider
Why it will be disappointing: Will recycle much from the last game while doing hardly anything new. By the time it comes to PS4, Uncharted 4 would have been out for a while and no one will care about Lara anymore. Game will sell over four million copies but still deemed a failure. A few months after release, Square Enix will announce another sequel, rounding out this trilogy of prequels, called Dawn of the Tomb Raider. It will be exactly the same as the previous two games. Will also directly compete with Uncharted 5 and lose.
Metacritic Rating: 82
6. Mass Effect Andromeda
Why it will be disappointing: Garrus will either not be in the game at all, or only make a quick cameo. Fans will be sad.
Metacritic Rating: 90
Again, I’m not saying these games will be bad. In fact, I’m certain they will all be quite good. Hopefully I’m wrong about every single prediction I just made. However, history has taught me never to be taken in by E3 hype because you’ll only be disappointed. So my practical advice to you is this: keep your eyes open, do your research, and don’t preorder.