- Games, Toys, and Hobbies
Ten Board Game Editions You'll Never See
1. Blascrbe! for Lysdexics. (Scrabble! for Dyslexics)
In an effort to make things more accessible for the entire population, Hasbro might have wanted to make a version that was dyslexic friendly.
The alternative would be cost effective, as the company wouldn't be forced to make new tiles or a new board for the game. The only change needed would be a single rule: the tiles on the board need not be placed in any specific order.
This allows an intellectually stimulating activity for non-dyslexic players, as a simple game of Scrabble now becomes a word scramble for each player on every turn. With arguing factored in, games could last from two days to several weeks! Now the whole family will be entertained.
The only issue: players could be offended when one attempts to spell words like "this."
A More Realistic Game of Life
2. The Game of Life: Third World Edition
The game of life is incredible because almost everyone gets happily married, moves to the suburbs, has 2.4 kids, and retires at least a millionaire.
This is highly unrealistic and teaches kids to be entitled.
What if the game was run like most of the world lives, under third-world conditions? Instead of cars, there would be rickshaws, thatched roof huts instead of mansions, etc. You could be penalized for having a nasty case of malaria.
For the famous "LIFE" tiles you get in retirement (or really, death), perhaps you get a UNICEF sponsorship of some kid's change for five dollars a day.
This version was aborted, however, when it was found to cause children to attempt to donate to charity instead of purchasing additional versions of the game.
Number of Versions
12 on Scrabble Website
11 on Jenga website
5 on Hasbro website
1903, Elizabeth Magie Phillips
1938, Alfred Mosher Butts
1979, Chris Haney
Early 1970s, Leslie Scott
1949, Anthony E. Pratt
Hasbro and Mattel
Hasbro (Notice a Theme?)
Hasbro, Go Figure
Price of Original Version
$29.99 (Current Master Ed.)
3. Celebrity Clue
"I figured out whodunnit! O.J. in the Bronco, with the bloody gloves!"
"No, no. It was Dick Cheney with the pellet gun on the quail range."
In this edition, clue gets a makeover as Colonel Mustard is replaced with Aaron Hernandez, Mrs. White with Anna Nicole Smith, and Miss Scarlet with Casey Anthony! That's right, it's Celebrity Clue.
This would have been a perfect gift for the TMZ watcher/ internet troll/ paranoid news enthusiast in your family.
Unfortunately, licensing was an issue and this version of the game never made it.
Drunken Candy Land
4. Candy Land for Diabetics
Candy Land is insulting to diabetic children, who are already frustrated with being unable to stuff their faces with tootsie rolls like normal American brats. That's why there was almost a version of candy land for those with sensitive blood sugar.
Mr. Mint becomes Mr. Sugar-Free Mint, Queen Frostine becomes Queen Insulin, and Candy Castle would be replaced with Tofu Castle!
The evil "Lord Licorice," of course has been replaced by "Lord Monsanto."
Naturally, this game was as unpopular with children as all of the foods included in it.
Monopoly, the Movie
5. Monopoly: Big Oil Edition
There are thousands of versions of Monopoly, so why not take on the biggest Monopoly of all! Monopoly: Big Oil Edition has all of the classic locations you need to build your empire of Texas Tea! This includes Kuwait (replacing Boardwalk), Iraq (replacing Park Place), and the Gulf of Mexico (replacing St. James Place).
Who needs the B and O Railroad when you can ride in style with British Petroleum or Exxon Valdez? The usual pitfalls to the game still exist forever, such as: "your men have spilled oil all over the Pacific Northwest. P.R. campaign: do not pass go, do not collect two hundred billion dollars."
Of course, this effort was opposed by wildlife groups, and/or anyone with some type of soul.
6. Chutes and Ladders Rehab
For those in your life struggling with addiction, you can make them feel right at home as the 12 step program of your choice comes to your living room!
This is a very simple concept: your rehab is a ladder, and relapses are chutes.
Who said recovery wasn't going to be any fun?
7. Battle Ship: Special Cold War Edition
Back in the 1950s through the 1980s, the media liked to scare a lot of folks with threats of nuclear attack.
In Battle Ship: Cold War Edition, you actually get to break the treaties and have thermonuclear war! Play as the U.S.S.R., the U.S., or even Cuba and nuke Washington or Moscow into dust. Get on your Kissinger and your Khrushchev, because this game would make Dr. Strangelove proud.
Dialogue would go a bit like this:
"Hit, now you sunk my Delaware."
"The frigate U.S.S. Delaware?"
"No dude. The entire state. We're shooting nukes, remember?"
Goodbye, North Korea!
8. Trivial Pursuit: I Love YouTube
As the internet made society stupid, we needed a board game that sunk to its level and got even more stupider.
Introducing, Trivial Pursuit: I Love YouTube. Questions would resemble the following:
Q: What did Antoine Dotson want the rapist to do?"
A: Run and tell that, homeboy.
Questions on every subject from falling cats to Rebecca Black will be sure to send the virus from each video right into your cortex like meningitis.
The Apocalypse is Fun-da-mental!
9. Risk: The Biblical Apocalypse
Risk can be a harrowing, suspenseful game. It can even get a little dark, because it deals with war.
On the subject of war, War makes an appearance in Risk: the Biblical Apocalypse edition. Choose to be one of the armies War, Death, Pestilence, or Famine and send the population of earth to meet its maker. Risk becomes so much more engaging and gritty while trampling billions underfoot in wholesale. Caution: this game involves Revelation style slaughter, as you lead tanks and zombies to punish the globe for its sins.
Last one to the rapture is a rotten egg!
The End Times is Here! Let's Play Board Games!
10. Operation: Beverly Hills
Operation exists to fix water on the knee, a charlie horse, whatever a bread basket is, or removing someone's Adam's apple (which, when you think about it, is brutal and disgusting).
This made game makers think that children were beginning to believe surgery was for trivial reasons.
Which brings us to our newest edition, Operation: Beverly Hills Edition. Instead of removing butterflies in the stomach, go gastric bypass and take the stomach out altogether. Kids get to practice for one of the most profitable careers ever as they learn nose jobs, tummy tucks, botox, and breast implantation.
Get the whole family together and give your patient the Joan Rivers special!
This game, however, was deemed less than marketable because no amount of surgery was ever enough to win the game.
With New Operation, Your Patient Looks Like Joan!
Really, what game do you like?
What is your favorite board game?
Some of the entries include: Sorry! Occupy Wall Street Version, Corner Hustla Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit: No Child Left Behind, and the Jenga Anger Management Edition.
In sum, these games were not considered or brought to market, but would they have ever been funny. If you happen to think of some hilarious game alternatives, please leave them in the comment section below.