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Total Recall for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) - Worst Video Games Ever

Updated on August 15, 2014
This would have been an ideal way to start the game out. Too bad they didn't do this. Less childhoods would have been ruined completely.
This would have been an ideal way to start the game out. Too bad they didn't do this. Less childhoods would have been ruined completely.

So, Another Game That Sucks? Yep, Pretty Much.

It's hard to put your finger on why this game sucks - oh wait, no it isn't. Total Recall sucks because it just plain sucks. Not much more to say about it. End of review.

Well, okay. A little more. I think it's safe to say that most of us saw the classic movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Totally epic, right? You'd figure that would easily make for a half-decent video game. How hard can it be? Pretty hard, I guess!

And well... if you know anything about movie adaptions... they're usually terrible on the NES. Nintendo had some of the worst movie to game adaptions of all times. Case and point, read my Ghostbusters review.

The first level concept is pretty simple in Total Recall the video game. You run around in the streets until midgets in pink jumpsuits pull you into alleyways to do battle. Then you screw around with a glory hole as you make some sort of pixilated pornographic presentation. After that, you beat the crap out of your wife for no obvious reason and then run away like a giant loser. If you hadn't seen the movie, you would think the programmers were mental patients.

Well, we all knew that Arnold was a hound... but did they have to put it in this game, too? This is absurd. Absurd I tell you!
Well, we all knew that Arnold was a hound... but did they have to put it in this game, too? This is absurd. Absurd I tell you!
When you think Total Recall, you immediately think about Arnold punching the crap out of midgets in pink jumpsuits. What, no? Well, the creators of this game thought that. Clearly.
When you think Total Recall, you immediately think about Arnold punching the crap out of midgets in pink jumpsuits. What, no? Well, the creators of this game thought that. Clearly.

Here's a Speed Run of the Entire Cruddy, Crappy Game. Enjoy the Midget Punching and Random Dog Attacks.

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How exactly did killing your wife pass Nintendo's famous quality control? This era saw no blood at all - but punching your wife to death was okay? I guess they figured with all the midgets in pink jumpsuits nobody would play this crapfest anyway.
How exactly did killing your wife pass Nintendo's famous quality control? This era saw no blood at all - but punching your wife to death was okay? I guess they figured with all the midgets in pink jumpsuits nobody would play this crapfest anyway.

So - About the Rest of the Game... Duh, It Sucks!

I know what you're thinking. Does the girl with the three breasts appear in this game? As a matter of fact, she does! Nah, just kidding. That would be worth playing through this trash just to see. I think this game would automatically become a classic by default if that were true!

They seriously did try to follow the movie for the most part. It's not all pink midgets. The gameplay is just really monotonous though. You end up in these areas trying to kill stuff for minutes at a time - it's just boring. Maddening, really.
They seriously did try to follow the movie for the most part. It's not all pink midgets. The gameplay is just really monotonous though. You end up in these areas trying to kill stuff for minutes at a time - it's just boring. Maddening, really.

Eventually you start to get cut scenes and it all becomes sort of similar to the movie. The only real problem with the game is that it's just monotonous as all heck. You have to stand around while dogs and guys run around trying to punch you and bite you. The controls are really bad, so the experience is just frustrating. This is the kind of game that just gets your blood pressure going because it sucks so much.

Instead of sitting through all the cut scenes ripped from the movie, the best thing to do here is to just watch a DVD of the actual film. Forget this game. It's more rewarding and less frustrating to pop in the DVD. And there are no random pink midgets and glory holes all over the place. Seriously, what on Earth were the developers even thinking when they made this? Oh, right, they weren't thinking.

Just another case of "slap Arnold on something and they'll buy it." Sadly, they're right. We did. Consumers are stupid. Of course, back then there was no internet so that you could find out that the game was a pile of dung. Nowadays people would never stand for this crap. There would be like... riots or something.

The sad truth is they got away with selling this for like $50 bucks because nobody knew better when buying it. Nowadays it would immediately go down to like 50 cents because the internet would explode with anger. Ah, internet. You're so helpful. What would we do without you?

Buy a Mario Plush and Keep Him Near Your Games, Wii, Etc. He'll Guard It For You.

Was this game crappy or what?

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© 2014 Rywads

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    • CassandraCae profile image

      Cassandra Kuthy 

      4 years ago from Ohio

      I asked my husband one day if he wanted me to pick up this game for him (I was at the flea market) and he told me "Oh please God no." I have never played it before but he NEVER reacts like that to any game.

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