Total Recall for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) - Worst Video Games Ever

It's hard to put your finger on why this game sucks - oh wait, no it isn't. Total Recall sucks because it just plain sucks. Not much more to say about it. End of review.

Well, okay. A little more. I think it's safe to say that most of us saw the classic movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Totally epic, right? You'd figure that would easily make for a half-decent video game. How hard can it be? Pretty hard, I guess!

And well... if you know anything about movie adaptions... they're usually terrible on the NES. Nintendo had some of the worst movie to game adaptions of all times. Case and point, read my Ghostbusters review.

The first level concept is pretty simple in Total Recall the video game. You run around in the streets until midgets in pink jumpsuits pull you into alleyways to do battle. Then you screw around with a glory hole as you make some sort of pixilated pornographic presentation. After that, you beat the crap out of your wife for no obvious reason and then run away like a giant loser. If you hadn't seen the movie, you would think the programmers were mental patients.

I know what you're thinking. Does the girl with the three breasts appear in this game? As a matter of fact, she does! Nah, just kidding. That would be worth playing through this trash just to see. I think this game would automatically become a classic by default if that were true!

Eventually you start to get cut scenes and it all becomes sort of similar to the movie. The only real problem with the game is that it's just monotonous as all heck. You have to stand around while dogs and guys run around trying to punch you and bite you. The controls are really bad, so the experience is just frustrating. This is the kind of game that just gets your blood pressure going because it sucks so much.

Instead of sitting through all the cut scenes ripped from the movie, the best thing to do here is to just watch a DVD of the actual film. Forget this game. It's more rewarding and less frustrating to pop in the DVD. And there are no random pink midgets and glory holes all over the place. Seriously, what on Earth were the developers even thinking when they made this? Oh, right, they weren't thinking.

Just another case of "slap Arnold on something and they'll buy it." Sadly, they're right. We did. Consumers are stupid. Of course, back then there was no internet so that you could find out that the game was a pile of dung. Nowadays people would never stand for this crap. There would be like... riots or something.

The sad truth is they got away with selling this for like $50 bucks because nobody knew better when buying it. Nowadays it would immediately go down to like 50 cents because the internet would explode with anger. Ah, internet. You're so helpful. What would we do without you?