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Cave Johnson: CEO and Founder of Aperture Science
The Guy Who Was Responsible For GLaDOS. And lemons.
Who is Cave Johnson? He is the founder and CEO of Aperture Science, and one of the personalities who plays an important part in the video game Portal 2. He's the guy who is not going to passively accept life's lemons. He thinks that if you love safe science so much, then why don't you marry it? He's not exactly sane. And he loves the lem- uh, the limelight. And he's responsible for the Lemon Rant Portal 2 Meme.
He is voiced by J.K. Simmons (a.k.a. J. Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man) and narrates a series of short 'advertisement' videos relating to Portal 2, and products developed by Aperture Science. His personality, saved on a computer as automated pre-recorded voice messages, also turns up during the game itself to guide you, the unwilling test subject, through the first few chambers (much like GLaDOS did in the original Portal).
A self-made billionaire, he died of mercury (or possibly Moon Rock) poisoning, and his recorded messages are from when he was in his late 60s.
He is not the Cave Johnson on Wikipedia, an 18th Century Congressman and Postmaster General!
The Three Pillars of Aperture Science
As laid out by Cave Johnson
Pillar one: Science without results is just witchcraft.
Pillar two: Get results or you're fired.
Pillar three: if you suspect a coworker of bein' a witch, report them immediately. I cannot stress that enough. Witchcraft will not be tolerated.
Should Science Be Safe? - Is Cave Johnson a crazy lunatic?
~ quote from Cave Johnson
Should science be safe? Or was Cave Johnson right?
Cave Johnson's Personality - What was he like?
A classic salesman, he loves science and thinks everyone else should too. Not that he necessarily understands it... no, he's a Big Picture guy. He's the guy who has the millionaire idea and runs around persuading other people to carry it out for him. And buy it from him. And test it for him. And he's good at it.
Also, he's in charge, and if you break all the bones in your legs because they swapped the Repulsion Gel with blue paint in the control group, well, that's your own damn fault, and very good science.
And we all love science, don't we?
The Original Portrait of Cave Johnson
The Lemons Rant - When life gives Cave Johnson lemons... he chooses not to take it.
Which Portal character is the least sane?
Who's the Craziest?
Behind the Scenes At Aperture Science
Aperture Investment Opportunities - Narrated by Cave Johnson
Best Cave Johnson Quotes
The funniest lines from the man of Aperture Science himself
- When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take back the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
- All right. We're working on a little teleportation experiment. Now, this doesn't work with all skin types, so try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it.
- We're just throwing science at a wall here and seeing what sticks
- Now, if you're part of Control Group Kepler-Seven, we implanted a tiny microchip about the size of a postcard into your skull. Most likely you've forgotten it's even there, but if it starts vibrating and beeping during this next test, let us know, because that means it's about to hit five hundred degrees, so we're gonna need to go ahead and get that out of you pretty fast.
- Oh, in case you get covered in that repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel. We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you this: It's a lively one, and it does NOT like the human skeleton.
- If the laws of physics don't apply in the future, then god help you.
- You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son-of-a-gun got blue paint. *chuckles* All joking aside, that did happen. Broke every bone in his legs.
- Just a heads up: we're gonna have a superconductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test.
- Those of you volunteering to be injected with preying mantis DNA, I've got some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is we're postponing the test indefinitely. The good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line, you'll know when the test starts.
- The bean counters literally told me we could not afford to buy 7 dollars worth of moon rocks, much less 70 million. Bought 'em anyway.
- Just a heads-up: That coffee we gave you earlier had fluorescent calcium in it so we can track neuronal activity in your brain. There's a slight chance the calcium could harden and vitrify your frontal lobe. Anyway, don't stress yourself thinking about it
- All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, persistent dry cough, or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.
- The lab boys have just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group.
- They say science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here! At Aperture we do all our science from scratch. No hand-holding.
- Cave Johnson. We're done here.
Aperture Science Products - From shower curtains to Longfall boots.
Early Aperture Science Products
1953 Shower curtains for the military.
The Navy is the only part of the US army not buying his shower curtains, and in 1978 Cave Johnson attempts to manufacture a set of seven poisonously deadly curtains for the House Naval Appropriations committee. He fatally poisons himself working on the mercury-injected rubber sheeting. He leaves a three tier vision for the future.
1981 Heimlich Counter-Maneuver and Take-A-Wish Foundation-related products.
This causes immensely bad press (although the Heimlich Counter-Maneuver appears to have been used by the US government in acts of overseas terrorism) and Aperture Science switches to pursuing the development of the last option, "man-sized ad hoc quantum tunnel through physical space with possible applications as a shower curtain."
Later Aperture Science Products
1982 Version 1.07 of GLaDOS, later "1.07a" and "1.09".
1986 Rivalry with Black Mesa prompts development of the final GLaDOS, with the aim of beating them to developing functioning portal technology.
1998 Propulsion Gel and Repulsion Gel released as diet aids. Both fail and are used as testing devices instead.
1998 For internal Enrichment Center use only: the Excursion Funnel, Thermal Discouragement Beam, Aerial Faith Plate and Pneumatic Diversity Vent.Ongoing/Date Unknown: Investment opportunities offered in various elements being used or tested in the testing facility: Panels, Bots, Turrets and Longfall Boots.
Cave Johnson's Game Appearances - Where does he turn up in Portal?
- He is mentioned on the promotional/ tie-in ApertureScience.com website.
- Referenced in Portal and Portal: Still Alive - some graffiti left by Doug Rattman including his log in name and password ("cjohnson" and ) and his photograph stuck to a wall.
- In Portal ARG
- A pre-recorded message left by him appears in the comic Portal 2: Lab Rat which explains how Chell ended up being back in the lab for the beginning of Portal 2.
- And his largest appearance to date was as a series of pre-recorded instructions and commentary in Portal 2
Cave Johnson-Related Graffiti in Portal - A photograph of Cave Johnson is stuck up on the wall by Doug Rattman
The portrait stuck on the wall above was based off the image on the right, of Sam Rayburn, the longest serving Speaker in the house of Representatives in US history.
Cave Johnson and the Official History of Aperture Science - Cave Johnson was the founder and CEO of the mad science company and took it from shower curtains to
Official History of Cave Johnson (and the early history of Aperture Science)
- 1953 - Aperture Science begins operations as a manufacturer of shower curtains. Early product line provides a very low-tech portal between inside and outside your shower.
- 1956 - Eisenhower administration awards Aperture a contract to provide shower curtains to all branches of the military except the Navy.
- 1957 - 1975 - Mostly shower curtains.
- 1978 - Aperture Founder and CEO, Cave Johnson, is exposed to mercury (NB: During Portal 2, he claims to have fallen ill due to exposure to the main ingredients of Conversion Gel - ground-up Moon Rocks) while secretly developing a dangerous mercury-injected rubber sheeting from which he plans to manufacture seven deadly shower curtains to be given as gifts to each member of the House Naval Appropriations committee.
- 1979 - Both of Cave Johnson's kidneys fail. Brian damaged, dying, and incapable of being convinced that time is not now flowing backwards, Johnson lays out a three tiered R&D program. The results, he says, will 'guarantee the continued success of Aperture Science far into the fast-approaching distant past.'
- Tier 1: The Heimlich Counter-Manoeuvre - A reliable technique for interrupting the life-saving Heimlich Manoeuvre.
- Tier 2: The Take-A-Wish Foundation - A charitable organisation that will purchase wishes from the parents of terminally ill children and redistribute them to wish-deprived but otherwise health adults.
- Tier 3: 'Some kind of rip in the fabric of space... That would... Well, it'd be like, I don't know, something that would help with the shower curtains I guess. I haven't worked this idea out as much as the wish-taking one.'
Memos From Cave Johnson
October 17th, 1976
Re: Human Enrichment & Testing Initiative, Resource Acquisitions
1. "Low Risk" Human Resource Acquisitions
a. Hoboes and Tramps
Lives spent wandering aimlessly, cowering before authority, and drinking concussive amounts of home-distilled potato alcohol make hoboes the perfect Human Enrichment test subjects. The hobo questions nothing, will follow orders if fed, and, like all hoboes, has a restless, wandering heart. (Note: The wandering heart of the hobo should not be confused with Drifting Heart Syndrome, which several transients contracted during testing.)
b. Child Orphans and Foundlings
Deep-rooted abandonment issues leave most orphans highly susceptible to shame-based psychology (for a complete list of opportune moments to obliterate the esteem of test subjects, please consult Training Video #89-D, "You'd Perform This Test Better if You Had Parents"). Recent advances in the use of scorn, flattery used in an ironic context and naked contempt as motivational tools have yielded similarly profitable results.
c. Psychiatric Patients
Past experience shows these fellows are simply not shy at all about carrying on, disrupting tests and defecating just about anywhere that pleases them. Frankly, it is off-putting, and small wonder why Aperture-brand mental institutions are being phased out in favor of more orphanages.
Frail, brittle hands make holding science devices difficult. Most were born before the advent of science, and can become confused and disoriented when asked to participate in relatively simple tests (teleportation, invisibility, adjusting esteem levels of orphan children).
Learn More: Other Webpages About Cave Johnson - Visit these other sites for more information and different takes on Cave Johnson!
- Cave Johnson (Character)
Cave Johnson (Character) on IMDb: Movies, TV, Celebs, and more...
- Cave Johnson - Combine OverWiki, the Half-Life and Portal wiki - Half-Life, Half-Life 2, Portal, Por
Cave Johnson is the founder and CEO of Aperture Science.
- Aperture Science - Combine OverWiki, the Half-Life and Portal wiki - Half-Life, Half-Life 2, Portal,
Aperture Science, Inc., often simply referred to as Aperture Science or simply Aperture, and founded as Aperture Science Innovators, is an American scientific research corporation whose laboratories and administration, Aperture Laboratories, are l
- Cave Johnson, here! - Cave Johnson Quotes
A compilation of Cave Johnson's quotes from Aperture Science