Time to Say Good-bye
In dealing with the loss of a loved one, being willing to say good-bye to the prospect of new memories, future laughter, and shared loves, seems to be part of the denial stage of grief. Realizing there will be no more new memories to build or challenges to face seems totally against the purpose of life not to mention the ideal relationship that took years to build.
It is time for me to take another step forward, actually two steps forward in grieving the loss of my mom and the suicide of my good friend.
Funny how worlds can collide sometimes without warning . . .
There are no surprises as far as grieving my mom is concerned. I am often forced to bare her loss since the grief is continual. However, the house I grew up in has been sold and in a matter of days will no longer be a part of my life moving forward. This has given me many reasons to revisit the past. Sometimes the past is pleasantly recalled, other times the memories are not so nice.
Our House Became a Home
I remember distinctly dreading our house. It was during the years that my father's influence was the greatest. I remember coming home from school and staring at our house from a distance, trying to gauge the mood of my father by the way the house appeared. Funny what you do when fear and dread weigh heavily on your heart. The last place I wanted to be after school ended was home. The uncertainty of what would happen once the back door was closed racked my nerves every single day that he was home.
My father's physical presence was no longer felt the summer I turned 14. He had died late that summer right before the start of the new school year. For the first time in my life, I wanted to come home after school. I actually looked forward to having days off and summer vacations. Obviously my father's legacy is not the stuff good memories are made of, however, when that little 3 bedroom house became a home, a place I felt safe and secure and at peace, a new foundation was laid for a brighter future.
Because of that transition, I feel a twinge or two of sadness as the house now sits empty except for a few more boxes and incidentals that will be gone very soon. I also feel happy and grateful to that building for the safeness it provided and the haven it became. The sanctuary that enabled me to begin healing from verbal and emotional abuse.
Selling our home is deeply tied into my feelings for my mom. I will truly miss them both just as I will remain grateful to them both as well.
Unexpectantly Reminded of my Friend
Readying our childhood home for its new occupants has mainly fallen on the shoulders of my sister. She is moving for the first time in her life and has been working feverishly to meet her moving deadline.
I wanted to see the house one last time before she handed over the keys, so I made a solo trip back home to take some final pictures and bid our home a proper farewell.
Coincidentally, a relative and her friend were aiding my sister in some final moving related chores. While my cousin and I caught up with each other, her friend entered the room and I was so stunned that all I could do was stare at her after we exchanged our initial hellos. Not only did she resemble my close friend physically, but even more surprisingly she has an almost identical speech pattern to my friend.
It has been 4 or 5 months since I last heard my friend's voice, coming face-to-face with a close copy of her is something that one can't be prepared for in advance.
I miss the sound of her voice, even more so since I have been reminded of it. I miss her laugh and the loving friendship we shared.
I feel as if accepting the existence of her "twin" is helping me to say good-bye to my friend. I never expected to move along with the acceptance phase of the grief process in this way and this acceptance has replaced the feeling of rejection I experienced shortly after discovering she took her own life. It is a feeling I was not prepared to deal with, but find myself happy that the time has arrived.
It has been a very emotional month, my subconscious has been trying to keep it all ordered and neatly bundled, all things considered, I think it is doing a pretty good job!
One More Farewell
Saying good-bye to our home, my friend, and very soon my little sister has enabled me to find some unexpected closure in important areas of my life.
It is true that time helps when enduring the loss of those we love. Events can trigger emotional responses which at times lead to healthy outlets for our deeply buried feelings. So I chose to face the upcoming days with as much positive energy as I can muster.
I am ready for a good-bye that will not end in complete prolonged sadness and anguish. My sister's fresh start will fill that need