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101 ways to FAIL at self improvement

Updated on January 10, 2012
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  1. Get as little sleep as humanly possible.

  2. Avoid forgiving anyone for anything. Always hold a grudge as long as you can.

  3. Always practice “out of sight, out of mind.”

  4. Revel in your ignorance on important topics. Who wants to be smart anyway?

  5. Consider all art to be a waste of time.

  6. Avoid reading any books.

  7. Never do anything even close to meditation or yoga.

  8. Never lend money. If you must, make sure you charge interest.

  9. Ignore the opinions of people who are younger than you.

  10. Ignore all feedback. Improvement is a waste of time.

  11. Chain smoke.

  12. Never stand up for what you believe in.

  13. Always go with the flow of the crowd.

  14. Always choose cool over sensible.

  15. Worship mainstream celebrities.

  16. Keep a closed mind to all issues.

  17. Never formulate your own opinions.

  18. Spend 8+ hours per day playing video games.

  19. Avoid researching the things you believe in.

  20. Drown your sorrows in booze and drugs

21. Use people. The only person who matters is you.

22. Always judge people based on their outward appearance.

23. Never ever exercise ever. Avoid it like the plague.

24. If a goal requires any kind of work to accomplish, ignore it.

25. Remember, you have no control over your own happiness.

26. Always choose to run away from your problems instead of trying to solve them.

27. Tell the secrets of close friends to others

28. Hate those who hate you.

29. Always drink soda or beer instead of water.

30. Ignore your talents. They don't matter.

31. Choose money over happiness all the time.

32. Dismiss ethics as unimportant.

33. Avoid learning anything new ever.

34. Be skeptical of everything.

35. Never be skeptical, ever.

36. Avoid doing anything that might help anyone else.

37. Spend your time watching shows like Jersey Shore.

38. Avoid negative people. Leaving them to fester alone will fix their problems.

39. Stay firm in your assumptions.

40. Avoid bathing.

41. Litter relentlessly. Your car window is the best trash can.

42. Don't volunteer.

43. Ignore all children. They're someone else's responsibility.

44. Avoid shopping at small, local businesses.

45. You are a tool. Remember that.

46. Never vote.

47. Everything bad that happens to you is someone else's fault.

48. Always follow the money. It's the only thing that matters.

49. Believe that it's better to talk than to listen.

50. You can't do anything to make your life better. Only prayer or wishing can.

51. You know nothing is more important than having more material goods than those around you.

52. Worry relentlessly.

53. Avoid enjoying yourself if it seems like others might be looking down on you because of it.

54. Believe that credentials are the only true way to judge a person's intelligence.

55. Avoid everything that's even slightly painful or irritating, no matter how much good could come of it.

56. Immediate pleasure is too important to consider any sort of long term implications that might arise from it.

57. Believe that things will never change

58. Believe that “sustainability” is just a buzzword

59. Crying solves all problems.

60. Crying is also a sign of weakness.

61. Medication is the key to psychological well being.

62. You believe that if someone wants to get to know you better, they have to make the first move.

63. You believe that everyone else is a success and you are cursed and doomed to failure.

64. Always remember, being jaded is a sign of maturity.

65. You see your body as a tool that just mostly gets in the way.

66. Avoid ever visiting the sponsors of those who write articles like this one. If they starve (or get real jobs) you'll never have to read crap like this again.

67. You regularly break promises

68. You prefer quick fixes.

69. Make a habit out of telling other people how to live their lives.

70. You have no flaws. Remember that.

71. Don't care that choosing between the lesser of two evils still means choosing an evil.

72. You're not above attacking someone (physically or verbally) for their beliefs.

73. Believe that people never change.

74. You always take personally everything that others say around you.

75. You have unshakable faith that everything said in a book or a theory is unquestionably right.

76. Never apologize for anything.

77. Believe that you know more than anyone else about most things.

78. Make envy and jealousy are your most frequently indulged emotions.

79. Never be grateful for anything in your life. The world owes you more.

80. Honesty is never the best policy. Lying is a wonderful way to get what you want.

81. You make sure to always get back at those who hurt you, no matter what, even if hurting you was an accident.

82. Embrace passive aggressive behavior.

83. Embrace superficial co-dependency.

84. Judge others because they don't want to live the same “best life” that you have chosen for yourself.

85. Believe that the ends always justify the means, even if the means involve sacrificing lives.

86. Believe that people are either good or bad and should be appropriately loved or hated by everyone.

87. Things only have real meaning if they have meaning to you. No one else's opinion matters.

88. Status is the most important part of life.

89. You never forgive yourself for making mistakes.

90. Avoid ever getting to know your neighbors. They're probably all criminals or freaks anyway.

91. Hate the employees and servicemen of companies and governments because of what their bosses have ordered them to do.

92. Define yourself by what you do for a living or how attractive your mate is.

93. Expect everyone else to know or learn your language.

94. Spend all of your off time in bed.

95. Always choose cheap and easy food over healthy food.

96. Work yourself to death all the time.

97. Forget your limits.

98. Judge yourself based off of how well others are doing.

99. Embrace an all-or-nothing mentality.

100. Make the first thing you say to someone a criticism.

101. Beat yourself up because you're doing something mentioned in this list.

Comments

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    • twilanelson profile image

      Twila Nelson 5 years ago from Carmichael, California

      Fun and interesting Hub, thank you!

    • profile image

      lisa.bom 5 years ago

      Love it! it made me laugh. Thanks

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 5 years ago from Nashville Tn.

      I left a comment earlier, however it seems to have lost itself somewhere. This is such a good hub and I sincerely hope many people read this. When my son died, I suddenly realized how unimportant "things" really are. I gave away many possessions and began living a new way of life. Everything I own and wear is now recycled. Love is all that matters. Thank you so much. Voted UP+.

      Peace to you

      vocalcoach~

    • rasta1 profile image

      Marvin Parke 5 years ago from Jamaica

      Nice humor, You basically just described all materially successful people.

    • Healthy Pursuits profile image

      Karla Iverson 5 years ago from Oregon

      Great! Fantastic list of anti-improvement steps! However, there's one more:

      Believe that old is just gray; listening to years of experience isn't worth looking at wrinkles.