1095 Days In Hell
Hey, whoever is reading this, you're probably either a close friend of mine, a family member, a well known friend, or just someone out there that can relate. Before I get to telling you my battle, let me tell you why I am. I'm writing to whoever reads this today, to tell you some thoughts that has rummaged through my mind in the past couple of years. I'm an introvert at heart but I can be very social when in the mood. When it comes to topics like this, I am very reserved and don't open much, simply because I am pretty real and vague when it comes to this stuff. I don't have a filter and I say it how it is, and some details included in that wouldn't be the best suitable in other people's minds, so I never really fully expressed myself, to the whole extent. What you're about to read, is 100% true, and totally unfiltered, not in a gross or sexual way or anything don't expect that stuff because that's not what this is about. By unfiltered I mean raw detail of every moment of what I went through. No shortcuts, no easy way out, nowhere to run and hide. Now with that being said, I'll begin.
I don't remember exactly when my depression started to genuinely affect my daily life, but I started to really run into trouble with myself when I was around 16. My family life is good, on one side that is, and I'll get to that. So, at that time I lived at both my dad's house and my moms. My moms house, isn't included in this story just yet because we aren't at that time place yet, will get to that. So my Dad is, honestly I don't know how to describe him because I honestly don't know who he is anymore. He married my former step mom Irene when I was 8. I'll tell you right now, I hated Irene and I always have. That may come as a shock or not a shock to some of you, but she took my Dad from me. That day my Dad met her, I lost him. He was gone, hasn't came back since. Maybe if he heard that from me he'd realize that he did wrong but, way too late from that now haha. Of course I had some moments maybe here and there but, it's just not the same never really will be, and that's okay I've come to terms with that. I'm not sure if this had an affect on my mental health later on, but I'm sure if things went differently, I could've avoided it, potentially? Who knows.
The Hell Rises.
So, around 18ish my mind started to really turn black. I couldn't do the things I normally could, I couldn't function. I just went limp. This is right when I started to flunk out of college. I lost interest, I was sad, and I wanted nothing more to just die, simply because I hated to live, to breathe, to see, to hear. Just to wake up, was the most agonizing feeling I've ever had to that point. I lost interest in mostly everything. Now, the suicidal thoughts never really came until late 2018, we'll get to that. At this time, I figured if I could search for a relationship, it could numb all my feelings and I could maybe potentially be normal again. That wasn't the case, the details of the relationship really don't matter but we'll talk the important stuff. I was abused, a lot. I won't get into it simply because I don't like to remind myself I was weak at one point. But just emotionally and mentally, not sexually or physically or any of that stuff. It really, really took a toll on me, I turned into this hothead, I moved out to my dads (on a sidenote, looking back at this I'm a dumbass LMAO but I"ll continue) I wasn't myself, at all. It came to the point where I was really just was waiting for that final trigger to come for me to end it. Yes, end my life. Noone knows about that, pretty much until now, yes I told you it was unfiltered so it's included. I was actually losing my mind, I'm surprised I didn't end up in a psych ward, I should have been there, to tell you the truth. So, a month or two passes, and I've cut pretty much all my friends out, except some. (They still aren't in my life to this day, although some have texted back to ask what happened).
The Hell Starts to Burn. Somewhat, not all the way. Think of Anakin burning and then getting into his new suit xD
WARNING: (Before you read this, I just want to let you know that the details can be a bit emotional and very difficult to read, if you would like to continue you are free to do so.)
So, as I type this, I still remember the hurt I felt back then and it's a bit overwhelming but I'm going to power through. Around August, I've had enough and I kept telling myself, okay, this week you're going to go. Or maybe this week, or this day. But, throughout all that thinking I would just hesitate to do it because It was so overwhelming. I don't remember the day, or the time, but I do remember what happened. The house was empty, like always. I previously bought a bottle of Ibuprofen the other week, cause you know, planning. It was a little bottle, I didn't want to cause any suspicion. After maybe 3 straight nights, of just endless tears, no one to run to, and just feeling lost, I decided it was time. So, I grab the bottle and I go into the bathroom, I don't know why I chose the bathroom but whatever that doesn't matter. I play some tunes on shuffle because I didn't want complete silence. I didn't write a note, or anything among those terms because I wanted people to forget about me, I didn't want to be known anymore. I didn't know how much I truly meant to people and that they would be really devastated if I left. I don't know how many pills I downed, but it was a pretty good amount. I'm sorry if this upsets you or anything like that, just know that I am okay and I am very happy with myself, and I no longer deal with this monster that we all call depression. :) So, I woke up extremely disorientated, much to my disapproval at the time. I don't really remember what happened next, I just remember laying down on my futon simply because I would never have the guts to tell anyone what I have just did. After I woke back up, everything was normal like nothing happened, besides that monster migraine that really, and I mean really hurt lmao, nothing like it. After this headache subsided for about a day, I did some re collection on what just occurred and what steps to take next. I decided to take this as a sign that my story isn't over and I'm going to try my damn best to not let this demon overcome me.
Recovery. This is the happy part, so wipe up those tears if you have any LMAO.
I started to build my life back together, I moved back into my Mom's and went on a wonderful cruise which really gave me the courage and mental comfortability to end the relationship that I was in. I re built my relationship with my family and my close friends and after some tough early months in January, February, and somewhat March. I can finally say that I slayed that beast and that I am so much better! Yay!
I still have a lot to improve, we all do. Every day, is a day to grow. If you wanted to get something out of this reading, take this. No matter how dark shit can get, and how down you feel, there is always a way out. Never give up. It's okay to struggle, but don't quit. If you don't like the way you feel, don't sulk, do something about it, make that effort to change! Nothing will happen if you don't move, it's science! If you want to do something, go out there and grab that shit by the horns and own it. The only person who can ever stop you from doing something is yourself. To whoever is reading this, if you have any questions, thoughts, or regards, you know where to reach me. Love you all, and have a blessed day my friends.