16 Ways That "I" Always Suspected That I Was a Glutton
What is gluttony?
Webster's Dictionary defines "gluttony" as: noun; habitual greed or excess in eating, drinking, or any activity, event where a person or persons cross the border between "moderate" and "abuse." Synonyms include: greed, greediness, overeating, gourmandism, gourmandizing, voracity, insatiability; informal piggishness. "Gluttony" used in a sentence: "the gluttony you displayed last evening was reprehensible"
Actually, I am not qualified to write about such a dangerous addiction as gluttony. That's true. I said addiction, as it pertains to literally having a deep craving for food. I won't elaborate on drinking, gambling, or other human activities. I will stick to something I know something about: gluttony.
Ironically, this was once my favorite tune.
Don't ask me.
Where gluttony begins, I cannot answer that. I can assume at childhood when a child first discovers what solid food tastes like and oh, how good it is to chomp down on a hotdog or a cheeseburger. Even if mother is helping the toddler to eat, this does not subtract from the excitement that "Junior" is feeling inside. His feelings with every chew is that of a fireworks display at a Fourth of July celebration.
My first encounter with gluttony was at age 11. I had to stay with my grandparents (my dad's parents) during summer vacation when school was out and I thought that I could eat and live like I did at home. A typical meal for me was a couple of bites of dessert first, and a nibble of meat and I was gone like a girl the next morning after a great one-night stand.
My grandma caught my "act" of barely eating enough to live, so she dipped a plateful of vegetables, cheese and rice and stood over me until I finished it including the last bite. Then it hit me. Not a light bulb over my head, but more like a run-away freight train. "Man, this stuff is great!" I said under my breath and then I made "that" first step from light to the dark side of life and went back for seconds which tasted even better. And the rest, as someone said, is a clean plate.
Now when gluttony is taken to a level more deadly than a burlap bag of rattlesnakes, a level called "obesity," then it is not fun to eat anymore. I have heard several obese people make similar comments on the Learning Channel documentaries about "Obesity in America." And it is so sad that tears have materialized in my eyes. An obese person's suffering is a daily encounter with how much food they can consume to gain a sense of comfort or piece together a form of personal dignity.
Warning: This is Sad.
A new learning system.
Someone told me a long time back that a person learns more when they are laughing than when they are stone-cold serious. I can attest to this fact because my pastor has a dry sense of humor and when he is delivering his Sunday sermon sometimes he will just stop and deliver one of his humorous spiritual observations mostly about him and his lovely wife, who by the way, has a lethal sense of humor.
So to prove this "learn more while we laugh" system, I am going to view gluttony through a bit of humor and I call this piece . . .
16 Ways That "I" Always Suspected That I Was a Glutton
I was not at all apprehensive about using myself as the subject with a gluttony problem. And I do not mind you laughing at my personal observances of this deadly affliction.
Personally speaking, I had rather be laughed at and others laugh at my mis-adventures than for me to laugh at people with gluttony, which I repeat, is a Deadly affliction.
- My favorite places to hang out changed from shopping malls where pretty girls are walking in droves, to bakeries where delicious breads and doughnuts are baked.
- I started telling my friends that my middle name was "Husky."
- My teachers in the fifth and sixth grade called me "Big 'Un," instead of Kenneth.
- Recess was not my favorite time of a schoolday, but lunch time in the cafeteria which was always nasty, but I loved eating so much that I quit noticing the roaches scurrying under the steam tables when we arrived.
- My favorite opening line to talk to pretty girls was: "Hey, sweetie. Got any Sugar Babies in your purse?"
- And when I did get a date, the girl was mesmerized at how many hotdogs I could eat during a visit to our teen hang-out, "Jackson's Airport Drive-In." Most girls almost fainted at my machine-like appetite while other girls stormed at me, "Take me home! Now!" That didn't upset me for on the way to her house I had to ask, "Reckon your mother has any left-over chicken from supper?"
- I helped a few of my gambling buddies win some money when we were young. They would bet cash that I could eat an apple whole. That means without slicing it, but shoving and working into my mouth.
- I begin to sense that I was a border-line glutton because when I was on a date with a sweet girl, I loved driving around in big cities gazing at the many billboards which advertised the many restaurants which were available in that town. And the sweet girls who were with me on these dates, never went out with me again. They should have been grateful that I wasn't into liquor or drugs.
- In our school cafeteria my eyes were as sharp as a hawk's eyes for I could spot a finicky eater two tables away and before they could toss their tasty (one patty) hamburger into the trash, I was there in a flash with this question, "Please? May I have that? I was not raised to waste food." Which was the truth and it garnered me many burgers.
- At home I never ate portions of Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee spaghetti in the can. My portion was a couple of cans of this tasty food item. One afternoon, Dwight "Oz" Ausborn, a good pal from school dropped by while I was eating my two cans of delicious spaghetti and he, really not knowing how much I could eat, asked, "Kenneth, you having company?" What a laugh I had from that naive question.
- I woul sit in class, church, and at home not dwelling on pretty girls, but my next hefty meal. This was a red flag going up, but I ignored it.
- Our local Kentucky Fried Chicken employees loved to see me coming for I would always order two buckets of chicken. One for my parents and one for me.
- In junior high school, my mother suggested that I start wearing a man's medium size shirt, but I did not know why. I always thought that she wanted me to look sharp. Fact is, shirts in my size were too little.
- In our physical education classes in my junior year, our head football coach, L.C. Fowler, begged me to go out for football. I asked him what position he wanted me to try out for and he said, "the offensive line."
- Gluttony hit me hard with people getting angry at me for inviting myself to sit down at their table in our local pizza restaurant. I thought that there was no sense in wasting all of that great pizza they had left on their plates. How was I to know that the boy and girl were deep in love?
- One of my favorite tunes as a youngster was "Eatin' Goober Peas," not any of the tunes popular in my day. And yes, even today, I love roasted peanuts. Actually I love peanuts raw, roasted and even fresh out of the ground.Closing remarks: this past November when I was released from the hospital after a week of treatment for congestive heart failure, taking more medications did not hurt me as bad as my cardiologist saying the ugliest word in the English language: "Dieting, is what you are going to have to do in order to allow your heart to not work as hard to pump blood in your body, Kenneth."
I understood that well. No problem, but he could have went all that way without insulting my dignity by using that filthy word: "Dieting."