22 Things That Do Not Bother Me About Being Over-Weight
Carrie Wilson, happy with her weight
I hate to sound self-serving, self-absorbed because I am not either. Or at least I try not to be. After you read this piece I hope you will believe me.
This is not what you call a comedy rendering. I wish it were. This is my way of showing my sensitive side to my valued-followers and non-followers. And take my word, this is not easy for me, for anytime we confess something, one of two things happen: one, we feel relieved and two, the public knows a little bit more about us that they did not know yesterday.
I have since age 12, 1966, had what you call a “slight weight problem.” (Chris Farley reference). But back then, no one was really yakking about weight, overweight, and such matters. Seemingly, we all were happy the way we were.
Bud Abbott, left, Lou Costello, right, Costello never worried about his weight
Then as time went by, someone, somewhere in Southern California, I believe, started a self-awareness movement about America’s overweight issues and how this problem was killing us softly, which has nothing to do with the hit tune by songstress, Roberta Flack.
Since the day that the “Caloric Creature from The Unknown,” reared its sunken face, billions were, and still being spent on do-it-yourself diets, fad diets, liquid diets, all-protein diets, water only diets, the once-famous, “What Did Jesus Eat, Diet,” no protein diets, diet pills, meditation diets, books by the ton as well as work-out tapes (made famous by “Hanoi” Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons), and forming secret groups of people who act as if they are in A.A. when it comes to eating an extra doughnut the morning of the meeting. This attention that is given to weight, or the loss thereof, is not a passing fad anymore, it’s an obsession.
If these same weight-obsessed throngs were this concerned about cancer, abuse—wife, child, and animal, family and neighborhood violence, just maybe we could have a more-peaceable country. It’s all about our mindsets.
"This" is something to be concerned about
The obsession about weight, yes, this all happened in America, the Free. Not that this is a civil liberties lecture, but America really isn’t free for people such as myself, the overweight, for in some places my wife and I go, there they are, the “Diet Police,” with their squinty little eyes looking me up and down like I was a blue ribbon-winning hog in the Annual State Fair in Kansas. I confess to you another thing: this unwanted, annoying “inspections,” of me without my permission, got old pretty quick. And even in 2014, it’s still old, and not getting any younger.
I am not going to apologize to you or anyone for my extra poundage. I would if you asked, sure. But I have tried most of the diets I mentioned and failed. I even took a very-popular diet capsule everyday for one year with a glass of water and lost 81 pounds—and in the process, wrecked my nerves for life.
I told you this was not a comedy piece.
Alec Baldwin, not worried about calories
Now that I am, by the grace of God Jehovah, at age 60, I do not diet anymore. For any reason. Fact is, I am happy with me. Very happy. My wife and grandkids are happy with me being me. When I was on that deadly one-capsule-a-day diet back in the 80’s, my wife almost divorced me. And thank God we never had our three lovely grandkids back then. And if we did, they would have hated me on the spot. I know what I am talking about.
In the past few weeks I have sat down and accomplished some serious thinking. And counting-up on how many things that don’t bother me about my weight.
So it is with great pleasure, and relief of soul, I present . . .
“22 Things That Do Not Bother Me About Being Overweight”
Girls like this DO NOT chase me
ESPN's Chris Berman is as famous as any slim sportscaster
Arte Lange, of Mad TV, makes a great living without being slim
More Overweight People Whom America Loved . . .
The late, Jackie Gleason, actor, comedian
The late, Chris Farley, SNL, film star
The late, John Belushi, SNL, film star
Curly Howard of The Three Stooges
The late, Bob Keeshan, Capt. Kangaroo
Shrek, the gentle ogre cartoon character
Porky Pig, Warner Bros. cartoon character
Robert Conrad, starred on "Cannon," on CBS
Alfred Hitchcock, famed witer, producer, director
The late, Andre, The Giant, famous pro wrestler
The late, King Kong Bundy, pro wrestler
Dan Blocker, "Hoss," Cartwright," on Bonanza
The late, Totie Fields, female comedianne from Ed Sullivan Show
The late, Pat Buttram, film and televison star
Kevin James, "Doug Heffernan," of King of Queens
Billy Gardell, "Mike Briggs," Mike and Molly
Melissa McCarthy, "Molly Flynn," Mike and Molly
The late, Victor Buono, dramatic actor, King Tut, on ABC Batman series
Lou Costello, of Abbott and Costello
Kirstie Alley, Cheers, Jenny Craig spokeswoman
Aretha Franklin, famous singer
Queen Latifah, actress, singer
John Goodman, actor
John Candy, comedian, actor
William Frawley, "Fred Mertz," of I Love Lucy
Wayne Knight, "Newman," of Seinfield fame
Marlon Brando
David Ogden Steirs, "Winchester," on M * A * S * H
Source: Me, Kenneth Avery
Myths About Overweight People Debunked
All overweight people are NOT jolly. "We" get weary of loud-mouths asking, "are you gonna get any bigger?"
All overweight people do NOT have a thyroid problem.
All overweight people are NOT ignorant, as some are treated by the slim, healthy society we live in.
All overweight people are that way, but not by choice. (In my case, I have to take a certain number of medications, once every
morning and once at night. Some of my medications are steroids. My being overweight is, I assure you, NOT from
over-eating. I only eat a light breakfast and a light dinner. NO lunch or snacks.
All overweight people DO care how we are perceived by the super-healthy members of the human race.
The Teddy Bear is NOT the favorite pet of all overweight people.
Nick names, although not meant in a harmful way, "Big Un," "Fats," "Tons o' Fun," do more harm than good to us.
Source: author, Kenneth Avery
22. With my size, I strike fear into smart alec slim people in shopping malls.
21. If I ever were to be in a fist-fight, all I would have to do is sit on my adversary.
20. I need no special costume to play Santa.
19. I can even play “The Giant Pumpkin,” at Halloween.
18. If I wanted, “I” could pass for one of the balloons in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I cannot lie. That is an exaggeration. I could look like a famous balloon if I chose to.
17. People could use me for a flotation device to rescue people who do not know how to swim.
16. The big and tall stores for men are kept in business by men like me thus helping our national economy.
15. I am the most-popular guy in my hometown each homecoming season for the cute cheerleaders begging me to be a float for the homecoming parade.
14. Waitresses used to say, “table for two,” when I would dine alone in restaurants. Now this just makes me laugh.
13. In the icy winter-time, I am called upon to stand on the bumper of cars that are stuck in ice and need extra weight to drive away.
12. When people refer to me as “Porky,” I laugh, then do my swine squeal and go about my business.
10. When my preacher’s sermon is about gluttony, I just smile because I am not a glutton. I am simply overweight.
9. Sitting in the very back of walk-in theaters does not bother me in the least.
8. When I go swimming and feeling mischievous, I yell, “cannon ball,” and no matter how many people are in the pool, they are gone at the speed of light.
7. If I wanted to make extra bucks, I could rent space on my back.
6. People can stand in my shadow in the summer when the temperature hits 100 and stay cool.
5. GoodYear is still begging me to let them rent me to cover the Super Bowl.
4. I make Curly Howard of the Three Stooges look like he is on a hunger strike.
3. People in restaurants stop eating just to watch me down a hamburger. I think this is my life’s calling.
2. A few buddies and I were talking about college football last week and I remarked, “That Alabama Crimson Tide sure has a great offensive line,” and one of my buds replied, “Ken, “you” could be their offensive line.”
1. The State of Alabama Highway Department use me as a highway detour sign when they are working on a stretch of road.
Coming soon . . .”Why I Would Have Stunk at Being a Cowboy" (or is it Cow-person?)
I am using an old photo of myself so you cannot see the "2014 Version of Me"
Myths About Overweight People Debunked
All overweight people are NOT jolly. "We" get weary of loud-mouths asking, "are you gonna get any bigger?"
All overweight people do NOT have a thyroid problem.
All overweight people are NOT ignorant, as some are treated by the slim, healthy society we live in.
All overweight people are that way, but not by choice. (In my case, I have to take a certain number of medications, once every
morning and once at night. Some of my medications are steroids. My being overweight is, I assure you, NOT from
over-eating. I only eat a light breakfast and a light dinner. NO lunch or snacks.
All overweight people DO care how we are perceived by the super-healthy members of the human race.
The Teddy Bear is NOT the favorite pet of all overweight people.
Nick names, although not meant in a harmful way, "Big Un," "Fats," "Tons o' Fun," do more harm than good to us.
Source: author, Kenneth Avery
