A letter to my mom in Heaven.
Mom, I am not sure if you can read this or not, but I need to talk to you...
It has been four months to the date, since your death. I don't know how much you were able to see, but we were heart broken, that was the worst day of my life.
The 30th of each month comes, and I realize another month has passed since the day of our separation. I believe the Bible says that one day in Heaven is like 1,000 days here on earth .... so then, you probably haven't been in Heaven 15 minutes yet.
For me...for us... your family...it seems like it has been an eternity since we were with you. At the same time, your absence does not feel real. Dad and I had our first cry together last week. He has not wanted us to see him cry, and has not wanted us to cry in front of him. Last week, our hearts were broken, and we talked, and cried together.
He was worried that he had let you down, and that he was not a good enough man and husband for you. I reassured him over and over and told him just how much you loved him. I told dad that almost every single time we were together for lunch or an appointment, you would say "we are so blessed, your dad and I are so happy".
At church this week the pastors prayed for dad, and we all prayed with them. So many tears, so much pain! our only encouragement? We know we will see you again in Heaven, and each day we wake up we are one day closer to the reunion.
Tonight, Faith went to bed crying in grief for you. I know it is my job to teach the kids it is ok to grieve, and crying is part of the grieving process. But mom, it hurts so much! How do I comfort her when I am so sad myself? I explained that we have to look forward to the reunion one day, but that it is ok to cry and that God will heal our broken hearts.
The most difficult thing for me is that I can't talk to you -- we shared everything! Now, I write and I hope that somehow you are able to read these words or hear me.
The waves of grief are so devastating some days! I thought there would be no worse pain than knowing you were dying and saying goodbye. Some days the grief is so heavy and I am not prepared because I thought I should be able to cope better by now.
I know that grief is a journey, and that the more we love, the more we hurt. I love you so much mom... for you compassion, and wisdom, your love... and your presence... you were bigger than this life, and even after your death, your life has a huge impact on so many people.
You were known for you love, compassion and ability to hug a complete stranger. I can only hope that in my lifetime that I am half of the woman you were to so many.
Mom, you are my best friend, my encourager, my mother, my "person". I love you forever. I grew and was born from your womb and so incredibly blessed to be called your daughter. However, the love that grew and was birthed in my heart from growing up with you as my mother is a far more miraculous thing! I am who I am because God gave me you as a role model. I learned to love others unconditionally, until they hurt me or let me down, and to then forgive them and love them again. How did I get so blessed that God would give me to the best mom on earth?
Mom, I am counting the days until I see you again.
I LOVE YOU MOM!