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GRIEF: One Month into the Journey of Saying Goodbye to my Mother & Best Friend

Updated on August 14, 2012

I am not sure how I got here, but it has been 30 days since I lost my mother.

Today is April 30th. The 30th has new meaning for me and my family. On March 30th our beloved mother slipped into her eternal dwelling place.

There are times I feel I have not talked to my mom in years, and other times I am taken back to our last wonderful day together and it seems like yesterday. She was in the hospital awaiting quadruple bypass surgery, but she was cheerful and happy. We had Starbucks together (decaf) and chatted and worked on solving world problems as we normally would do.

Things are different now -- grief visits me every day.. Sometimes it is in a question from my children about their nana, other times it is out of my intense need to check on my mom.

I often find myself thinking there must be a way to check on her. There must be a television station, or a website that allows me to connect with my mom. As soon as that thought crosses my mind, I of course realize that it isn't possible.

I find myself writing on her facebook page as if she was able to read it...maybe she is, or maybe she isn't. Does she see what we are doing on earth?

Today I am making cupcakes for my youngest child's birthday. As I hurry through my day to try and accomplish everything I need to do, I could hear her saying "is there anything I can do to help sweetie"? This was her standard offer no matter what we had going on ... my mom always extended an offer to help.

The days go on, and the nights go on, but my mom is no longer part of our daily routines or our special occasions. Some moments it seems like everything is ok in the world... and other times it feels as though it will never be ok.

So today I say to my mother -- as I said on other occasions, "I love you forever, you were the best mom I could have ever wanted, the best grandmother and mother-in-law my family could have wanted. The community continues to grieve your passing. We will go on living and loving, but our lives will forever be changed because you are no longer with us. I can't wait to see you again mom, tell Jesus to come back soon. I love you forever, Tami".

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  • Tami Fite profile image
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    Tami Fite 4 years ago

    Magdelene -- thank you for your kind words. You are so right -- never did I understand the depth of losing a mother until now. It is amazing -- today my youngest is not feeling well, an old ankle injury just won't quit aching.... after her morning doctor's appointment, I sat with her in the school office giving her a pep talk about making it through school, I asked her if there was anything else I could do for her. We saw the doctor, we prayed, she took motrin.... she should her head 'no". It was a few moments later that I thought of what my mom would do, and I asked my daughter if she would like to come home for the afternoon and rest. She said "yes".... and although her problem has not gone away, she feels the closeness of being home with me, and for today, that is enough. So even though I can't speak to my mom, and miss her SO MUCH it hurts.... she lives on through the kind acts that I am reminded of and the nurturing that she provide to me.... that I now can provide to my own children.... May God bless & keep you! Tami

  • Magdelene profile image

    Magdelene 4 years ago from Okotoks

    I understand and feel for you. It seems we have to go through it to truly understand what others are going through. We only begin to know how deeply it touches us all. God be with you!

  • Tami Fite profile image
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    Tami Fite 5 years ago

    Brittyan22 -- thanks for your words -- your loss is even more recent than my own... not that time changes the loss -- I am learning we just begin a "new normal". May God continue to provide grace and wisdom to take us all through the journey of letting go. Bless you! Tami

  • brittvan22 profile image

    brittvan22 5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

    Wow, sorry for your loss I lost my mother May 30, 2012 and there is for me no loss greater that this juncture in my life. What helped me in my healing was my writing and expression. I pray your strength. My mom was my bff, too. For me I never understand being a motherless child until now and wouldnt wish it on anyone.

  • Tami Fite profile image
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    Tami Fite 5 years ago

    Yvonna -- your words are inspiring -- I appreciate your wisdom -- nothing prepares us for life without our mother... God has been faithful, but I know we can not escape the pain of grief. Bless you!

  • yvonna profile image

    yvonna 5 years ago from Pinellas Park Florida

    Tami, Please know you are not alone, I lost my mother Feb. 23rd. I just keep talking to her with my heart and feel blessed that I was chosen to be her daughter. After reading some of the other posting I realized there are people out there that had a mother like mine and miss theirs just as much as I do mine.We are very blessed children and were given something that so many will never know. Just knowing our mothers loved us so much is such a wonderful feeling. Smile with you heart when you think of her and pray for strength each day.

  • Tami Fite profile image
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    Tami Fite 5 years ago

    Bless you teaches12345 -- thank you for each prayer -- each day is different, each hour is different, but I am thankful that I have hope in Heaven. thanks -- God bless you & multiply your efforts! Tami

  • teaches12345 profile image

    Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

    This is so beautiful. Sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family.