GRIEF: One Month into the Journey of Saying Goodbye to my Mother & Best Friend
I am not sure how I got here, but it has been 30 days since I lost my mother.
Today is April 30th. The 30th has new meaning for me and my family. On March 30th our beloved mother slipped into her eternal dwelling place.
There are times I feel I have not talked to my mom in years, and other times I am taken back to our last wonderful day together and it seems like yesterday. She was in the hospital awaiting quadruple bypass surgery, but she was cheerful and happy. We had Starbucks together (decaf) and chatted and worked on solving world problems as we normally would do.
Things are different now -- grief visits me every day.. Sometimes it is in a question from my children about their nana, other times it is out of my intense need to check on my mom.
I often find myself thinking there must be a way to check on her. There must be a television station, or a website that allows me to connect with my mom. As soon as that thought crosses my mind, I of course realize that it isn't possible.
I find myself writing on her facebook page as if she was able to read it...maybe she is, or maybe she isn't. Does she see what we are doing on earth?
Today I am making cupcakes for my youngest child's birthday. As I hurry through my day to try and accomplish everything I need to do, I could hear her saying "is there anything I can do to help sweetie"? This was her standard offer no matter what we had going on ... my mom always extended an offer to help.
The days go on, and the nights go on, but my mom is no longer part of our daily routines or our special occasions. Some moments it seems like everything is ok in the world... and other times it feels as though it will never be ok.
So today I say to my mother -- as I said on other occasions, "I love you forever, you were the best mom I could have ever wanted, the best grandmother and mother-in-law my family could have wanted. The community continues to grieve your passing. We will go on living and loving, but our lives will forever be changed because you are no longer with us. I can't wait to see you again mom, tell Jesus to come back soon. I love you forever, Tami".