A Drunk Dream - An Alcoholic's Nightmare
Thankfully not a nightmare come true!
I have no idea how I got here, or where I am. It’s almost as if I’m just re-entering a conscious state and I realize, in this moment, that I am drunker than I have ever been in my life. I begin to panic as I move about in my strange surroundings, trying to find something (anything) that would help me understand how I get here.
As I rummage through this house, looking for my belongings, or anything familiar to me, I find my younger sister laughing hysterically on the couch…also drunk. She has almost two decades of sobriety under her belt! “What is going on here?”
This house is disgustingly dirty, things strewn about all over the place, shady looking people in almost every room, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. They are all strangers, except for one man….my sister’s husband, and apparently the only person in the place who is completely sober. He seems to be oddly unaffected by this, which baffles me since he is also in recovery. He is however hovering around my sister, watching over her, making sure she’s ok. This just makes me feel more alone, more scared…nobody seems to notice that I’m even here.
Just then I make eye contact with my sister and she appears to be giving me a nod of approval. For some reason her nod seems to briefly calm my panic. Then I slowly begin to realize just how drunk I am. I find myself trying to call my daughter, the only person I’ll feel comfortable talking to right now….but I realize that I’m trying to dial on a remote control. Now I am sobbing uncontrollably, digging through piles of coats, empty beer cans, and scattered food wrappers, trying to find my purse, or any of my belongings….I can’t find anything. And everyone around just continues to drink…not really caring about anything but drowning themselves in alcohol!
Completely defeated, and shaking uncontrollably, I fall to the floor. Tears are streaming down my face…and the feeling of guilt inside of me is so powerful that it physically hurts. “What do I do?” “How do I tell Mom she won’t be joining me in July to pick up my seven year sobriety chip?” “How do I even tell Mom that I drank again?” I don’t know why I’m drinking. I don’t even know how I got here.
I feel so disgusted with myself…”How could I have allowed this to happen?” I have worked so hard to build this comfortable and wonderfully peaceful life in my quiet little neck of the woods, and now it’s all gone. It’s all gone because I decided to drink again…”What was I thinking, and why can’t I remember?”
Suddenly I hear a noise. I slowly open my eyes and realize that I’m in my bed and the light in the kitchen is on. I can smell coffee and hear rain beating down on my bedroom window. As I sit up in bed I notice that tears are still falling down my face, it was all a dream…a dream so intense that it physically, and emotionally, took a toll on me.
This is how powerful the affects of alcohol can be! Not only can it destroy a person’s life, it can also creep into one's subconscious and wreak havoc. I now know that first hand… I had this dream last night, woke up at six o’clock this morning, and yet some five hours later am still carrying a feeling of guilt inside.
I just thank God, and my Higher Power, that this was only a dream!