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AUTHENTICS: "Appreciation" vs. "Expectation"

Updated on October 16, 2007

Life Skills by Conscious Design

"Appreciation vs. Expectation" by Sapphire Grace

We meet, we fall in love and our appreciation for the other person knows no bounds. They are intelligent, kind, successful, generous, punctual, funny and to us, they can do no wrong. We love all the same things: walks on the beach, long dinners, sleeping in, working out. We even share the same politics and spiritual beliefs. We are amazed by their sensitivity to family members, children, pets, and humanity. Their jokes keep us in stitches. Their efforts to save a fallen baby sparrow brings tears to our eyes. We love the very look of them; we even love their smell. We brag about them. We count on them. We have found safe harbor to be ourselves.

Before long expectation surfaces and we begin to feel more critical of them. We decide their intelligence may not extend much beyond their chosen profession. They lack common sense. They are on the computer too much and at the office too often. Their sensitivity seems codependent. Returning from the gym smells a bit ripe. They tell the same joke over and over. Their generosity has sexual strings. Flushing a half-dead goldfish down the drain seems thoughtless. Plus, they don't spend nearly as much time as they used to looking good for us. The safe harbor begins to feel like dry dock.

Any time we are out-of-sorts with someone it is generally because we have lost our original appreciation of them and allowed our expectation to take over. The ten times they were right on time is replaced with disappointment the one time they are late because it is our birthday. Their jokes are corny, or off-color, or too personal. The admiration of a toned body fades into piles of smelly laundry.This safe harbor needs dredging.

To learn more about the art and science of

AUTHENTICS: Life Skills by Conscious Design

BLUE WATERS SPEAK TO ME, a new book due in late November/early December

by author, artist and spiritual activist, Sapphire Grace,

please visit

or continue to visit Hubber Earth Angel.


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  • profile image

    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest ShaktiLove, "Expectations makes me disbalanced, intolerant and grumpy. Appreciation brings both a kindness and mercy, which turns into inner peace . . ." Your words show profound insight and loving kindness! Thank you so much for commenting with such grace! Blessings Always, Earth Angel!

  • shaktilove profile image

    shaktilove 6 years ago from nearby You - just behind 2 screens

    What I know: expectations makes me disbalanced, intolerant and grumpy. Appreciation brings both a kindness and mercy, which turns into inner peace regarding to. If there is a situation EA mentioned in previous comment to Anamika, we can only pray for that person. Also - every expectation makes other person to feel such a fault he cant fullfill one's requirements.

    I see, it is an important hub for many ~

  • Earth Angel profile image

    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Thank you Anamika!

    I'm experiencing it right now ~ and I'm pretty good at keeping things on the "appreciation" side!

    I have a dear friend who is slipping into Alzheimer's (confirmed three years ago) and he is hell on wheels to deal with! He is mean and abusive and blames everyone else for lying to him instead of maybe considering the disease is just progressing!

    Sometimes it's hard for me to keep focused on all the positive things when he's screaming personal attacks at me! It's so sad ~ and I know it's not him!

    Yet, I "expect" him to try harder! Especially in the areas of health! (He eats the most awful diet!) Instead I just need to appreciate all the things my friend still CAN do!!

    Thanks for the GREAT Sunday morning reminder!

    Blessings to you and yours always, Earth Angel!

  • Anamika S profile image

    Anamika S 6 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

    Marvelous Hub Earth Angel! When our expectations from our partner's increase we fail to appreciate the goodness in them and become too critical of them. And that is not good thing for any relationship.

  • Earth Angel profile image

    Earth Angel 7 years ago

    Dearest Dallas93444!!

    Not sure by what you mean, 'start all over with a new partner??' Are you staying in a relationship 'just' because of the time and energy and maybe finances and family ties you have invested in your current relationship??

    In my world, none of those 'investments' would be reason to stay with someone who had/has sincerely lost appreciation for me!! Or lost the ability or desire to show genuine appreciation - even if it is still there buried deep in the recesses of their consciousness!!??

    Accomodating 'loss of appreciation' might keep a roof over my head, but it would slowly kill my soul!!

    Do you actively 'appreciate' your spouse in the way you would like to be appreciated?? Sincerely??

    "Be the change you wish to see in the world!!" -Ghandi

    Can you stand in your truth, without negative judgment and lovingly say, "I really appreciate the way you ________ even though it makes me feel very unappreciated!!?? I wish I had a bit more of that quality in myself!!" That is a really tall order for most people!

    Oh yes, without exaggeration and with sincere intention!! In most cases, over months, (maybe longer) it can turn a relationship around!

    Are you familiar with the book series, 'Real Love??' Although I take great exception to many of the basic premises, I have seen it transform relationships headed to certain demise!!

    I myself am feeling under appreciated right now!! It has nothing to do with a significant other as I am single!! But I have been 'killing myself' (figuratively and literally) trying to help my landlords with a disasterous project NOT of my making!!

    While it is true they have no way of knowing how much has been involved, they do know quite a bit and quickly their appreciation of my efforts turned to expectation!! It happens to the best people with wonderful hearts!!

    It takes a huge shift in awareness for us to see it happening! To us!! And by us to others!!

    There is no doubt I am dealing with a catastrophe!! There is no doubt that too, too, too much of the resolution UNfairly falls on ALL our shoulders!! I am sure they are feeling unappreciated as well!!

    But one of the things I noticed that was making my own experience worse, was my own lack of "Self Appreciation!!"

    I am a hard worker with a wide range of skills!! I can edit a book and replace sheet rock at the same time!! I can compose a poem and fix plumbing at the same time!! Right now I am emailing you, and treating all the flooded spots for toxic mold!!

    I have a big heart and will commit more time and energy and money and self to help others than most people - whether it be of service to the homeless or my landlords!!

    Fucsia, in the comment above, provided a great reminder!!

    Part of me was looking for someone else to validate my efforts!! And I realized that I was lacking some of my own self-appreciation!! I was feeling more like a 'victim' while putting forth the energy of a hero!!

    Sooooooooooooo, I took the day off yesterday and took care of myself!! Really spent the day appreciating who I am and what I contribute to the world! Really focused on health, exercise, a delicious massage, picked up good food, journaled, etc!!

    Although I don't feel any more appreciated by my landlords today, I do feel more appreciated over all, and so my want/need of their approval has lessened substantially!!

    Often times the appreciation we need, can only come from deep within our souls!!

    Please keep me posted if any of this resonates with you!!

    Blessings always, Earth Angel!!

  • fucsia profile image

    fucsia 7 years ago

    Great Hub! I agree ... the key to our serenity is also to not expecting anything from others, to be ensure that our happiness not depend on any other, except by us!!

  • dallas93444 profile image

    Dallas W Thompson 7 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

    Yep, you hit the nail square on the head! Now what do I do? Start all over with a new partner? :-D

  • matt6v33 profile image

    matt6v33 7 years ago from Bangkok, Thailand

    hello young lady,

    stopped by, to say Hey! and its my hope and prayer for u this day, that u will continue on, in so that others, yes, like me, may appreicate your /God given talent/knowledge and wisdom! keep going young lady, plz.. keep going!

    just me


    my latest "Food for Thoughts"

  • Mystique1957 profile image

    Mystique1957 7 years ago from Caracas-Venezuela


    I find quite strange the fact that such beautiful work and view on life can be overlooked by so many. I do believe in things happening for a purpose, I do not believe in coincidences. For me all is causal not casual. I am glad I got to read you and I am more than happy to follow you, dear sister!

    Warmest regards and infinite blessings to you,


  • Earth Angel profile image

    Earth Angel 9 years ago

    Thank you RippleMaker!!

    Your comments mean a lot to me as I admire your writing and life skills very much!!

    Blessings always, Earth Angel!!

  • ripplemaker profile image

    Michelle Simtoco 9 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

    Hi Earth Angel, I am in a reflective mood today and I was nodding my head as I read this hub. You are so right, in a relationship (of any kind), it is the appreciation that makes life exciting, lovely and fun. But once our expectations of the other (how they should act, say things, or respond or do things) ultimately distracts us from what we should be focusing about-the beauty within them--it could lead us to disillusionment. Yes, let's start appreciating more... :) Thanks for Authentics. This is a great guide to learn life skills.