ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

America's instant weight loss plan

Updated on February 26, 2011
A luther burger: hamburger, bacon, and swiss cheese on a grilled Krispy Kreme doughnut.
A luther burger: hamburger, bacon, and swiss cheese on a grilled Krispy Kreme doughnut. | Source

Today the House of Representatives passed legislation to change the definition of the pound. Instead of a pound being 16 ounces, it will now be 24 ounces. What does this mean for America's obesity problem? Well, a 250 lb. person (4000 ounces) will now weigh 167 lb. An instant weight loss of 83 pounds.

Congressman Barney Frank, A co-sponsor of the bill, applauded today's victory, saying how it was not only a victory for the American people, but a personal victory for him as well. "I lost 60 pounds today," he said, "and I feel great".

A number of important issues were raised by reporters at the press conference. One major concern was whether the law would make all weighing devices obsolete. Not to worry said Congressman Frank. "A digital signal will be broadcast nationwide to reprogram all digital devices with the new program". "They can do that," asked the astonished reporter. "Evidently," He replied and went on to describe the secret program which for years has been installing receivers and transmitters in every electronic device sold in America. When asked about non-digital devices, Frank said, "non-what? What are you talking about?"

Another major concern was what the new law would mean for product weights. One reporter asked if for instance a five pound sack of rice would now be a three and a third pound sack. Legislators had thought of this issue as well, and according to Frank is the real beauty of the bill - the definition of a pound for weighing products will now be 12 ounces, so that the old 12 ounce standard can of soda will now be a pound. "Eat more and weigh less," he said. "Personal motto," one reporter jokingly said. "No," said Frank, "that's the name of the bill".

One particularly cynical reporter commented that this wouldn't actually change anybody's weight or do anything for their health, to which Frank invited her up to the stage to try out the scale he had beside him. When 95 pounds popped up on the screen she just started giggling and blushing. "I could be a model," she exclaimed. "We can all be models," said Frank, arms stretched out wide. "In America, you can be anything you dream".

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • junkseller profile imageAUTHOR

      junkseller 

      7 years ago from Michigan

      Thanks Frog Prince and Marcuss. Everytime I see that guy I start laughing now. Which is good because I usually need a little laugh if I am paying attention to Congress.

    • Marcuss profile image

      Marcuss 

      7 years ago

      I can hear that idiot saying this in my head. A step closer to the LWNJ utopia.

    • The Frog Prince profile image

      The Frog Prince 

      7 years ago from Arlington, TX

      What a masterpiece of writing. You had me almost rolling on the floor jm. Hilarious while at the same time capturing the rationale, or lack of it, of people like Barney Frank.

      Thumbs up, voted up and awesome. Very, very creative writing.

      Shared this for you.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)