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Careful; My Baby Knows Karate.

Updated on August 22, 2013

Dear World,

There are lots of helpful things you can say and do for pregnant women. You're helpfulness (or lack thereof) should not, however, make us and our massive tummies public property or the field of debate. I am now in the "home stretch" as everyone points out, and would like to share some things I have learned over the past nine months through experience or observation.

1.To the people on public transit: thanks a heap for not acknowledging that I may very much need to sit down. I understand avoiding eye contact---I mean hey, who wants to be caught looking around at strangers and their strange bodies. But it took that extra ounce of class to glue your eyes to your Kindle while i hung perilously from the overhead bar and occasionally hit you with my swollen knees.

2. Just because you were pregnant once does not mean you know anything about me or my pregnancy. I am so glad that you had such a peachy time gaining exactly 25 pounds, never throwing up or getting stretch marks, never craved junk, and had more energy than you knew what to do with. But I feel like shit, and thats hardly uncommon. Just because I "asked for it" doesn't mean I can't complain about how miserable I feel.

3. I understand that it feels like my belly is so huge its reaching out to you. What can I say? My baby is a little tease. THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT HUNKY DORY FOR YOU TO TOUCH HER, regardless of her little body being wrapped up under my skin and fat. And PS, this also goes for when she is in high school and wears something a wee bit skanky.

4. To the man who cat-called me when I had a 6-month bump: you are disgusting. But i trust someone has already let you in on that little secret.

5. I'm glad that you, a total stranger in a restaurant, knows what is nutritionally best for my unborn child. Without that golden nugget of information, I'm sure we would never have made it this far. Kudos to you.

6. I'm pregnant, not a leper or a 600 pound woman. There is no need to say "excuse me" as you easily pass ONLY ME in a 6 ft-wide aisle at Target or the grocery store.

7. Your damning looks at me in the Liquor store as I pick up a six pack of beer will only deepen your wrinkles, not make me embarrassed to buy beverages for my husband and, *gasp!*, maybe even myself.

8. Thanks for assuming that my youthful face means I am a high school dropout and unwed mother. I only look like such a young mother because most people having kids these days are old-ass bitches.

9. Believe it or not, I have heard that joke, pun, old adage or knowing cluck, before. But I appreciate your extraordinary naiveté to believe you were the very first person clever enough to snappily respond in that way to my condition, appearance, or complaints.

10. Don't worry. I won't soil your shiny floor by suddenly gushing amniotc fluid all over the place. You should hope your day was that interesting!

Sorry I'm not sorry if this little piece offends you. Pretty sure you will forget how much I have hurt your feelings within the next ten seconds. And if it makes you feel better, it feels freaking fantastic to get this shit off my chest. Lord knows there is gonna be a lot of shitty diapers around soon, and I don't need any extra weighing me down. And as a special note to those women and girls who have not yet had the pleasure of being pregnant: prepare yourself. There are TONS of little gross complaints and maladies that nobody talks about and are even too numerous to make fun of in movies and on TV. Have fun when you realize your innards are spilling out your ass and you have several different varieties of alien skin.


I am so excited to finally meet my beautiful little baby. <3 <3 <3


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    • kaiyan717 profile image

      kaiyan717 4 years ago from West Virginia

      Hilarious! Title didn't say how great it was going to be. I loved (sarcastically) the same things, especially the horror stories every lady wanted to tell me about their 20 pounds baby and delivery. Or how I was too young (24) too small for my third trimester and how I shouldn't smoke (dare I buy smokes for my hubbie.) But hands down worse is the random belly touch. It is just weird and intrusive. Pinned and voted up.