- Death & Loss of Life
And I Was Young and Strong- - -Once Upon A Time
Today I turn 72 years of age. My doctor says that is the New 52, and I am not old. How fortunate for me. I have Cancer. Stage 4 Breast Cancer metastasized into my 72/ 52 year young bones. The ones in my spine, ribs, collarbone, and a couple of others. So today you will forgive me if I feel 72 and not 52. I get tired, dizzy, weak of knee, and such these days. And please, if you would, also forgive me for sounding like a cranky, difficult, whiney old woman today, I usually avoid those like the plague, but since today is my birthday, I decided that I would vent a bit of my steam-heated feelings and I am tired of telling everyone that asks, " I'm fine, having a great day, going out and running some errands and stopping off at the Ritz for an early lunch with Brad and Angie." Today I am not fine, and I don't want to go to lunch with anyone.
My daughter convinced me that I should leave my happy life in the French Quarter and move up north and live with her so she can be there to "help" me. And stupid me did just that. I am now COLD, WET, tired, cranky, difficult and whiney.
But just for today.
You see I learned something just by living life. Whiney, cranky and difficult is very hard to maintain. I just don't have anywhere to hold all that anger and meanness. I can't keep up with the level of anger and anxiety necessary to keep whining and bitching and fussing. And I don't want to.
I cannot relive my wild youth, I cannot climb mountains and swim across the English channel any more, but I can still be nice to my fellow earthlings. I can still smile and tell a joke. I can help someone decide what flavor of ice cream they want at the freezer section of the grocers. and I can make my world a little sunnier on a cloudy day just by being nice.
The other day, a cloudy, drizzily cold kind of day a funny little thing happened while I was outside putting out the garbage. In the midst of the cloudy rainy cold day a little tiny bright yellow bird with black on his wings landed on a fence post not five feet in front of me. It stood there and looked directly at me for about a minute before it took off and disappeared. And I stood there in the rain and cold and smiled. God did that just for me. I don't think I deserved anything special, but I got a beautiful little ray of bright sunshine handed to me. So I wasn't cold or wet, I was happy. And even though I am sick, and old, and grumpy, and all that other stuff, I think it is still my job to help someone else understand the feeling that I experienced when the little yellow bird came and said hi to me. And yes, I know that little bird will probably never show up again, and that the cold and rain and cloudy days will still happen, but I also know that funny little miracles exist and occur and all we have to do is hope.