I wrote an article before on this very subject in the Philosophy area. There's still more to say. It's important to be honest about what you want from people. Most of us have a connection with the outside world through our families. The home is the place where we are accepted. This is a safe haven for discovering the true self. We also learn how to solve problems and work together. We should be able to reveal true feelings about things. When disagreements come about, we even learn how to forgive. Sometimes though, we can be more forgiving with strangers than we are with family. For example, the careless motorist who cuts us off in traffic. Now we aren't exactly gracious toward him, but we do let the offense go. For most of us this is true. For the rest of us, the offense builds into something more. More on that later.
It's okay to have anger. One can't know that there is anything wrong without it being expressed sometimes through anger. The wrong comes from holding grudges. It's best to talk out problems. Each viewpoint can be heard and resolved. However, the sun has gone down many a day with us not having resolved our issues with others. We may want to resolve things, but the other party involved may not. They aren't willing or it's already resolved in their mind but not in ours. It's imperative that we let some things go. There are behaviors of others that don't jive with ours. It is an exercise in futility to get them to change them. Should they change? Regardless whether they do or not, we are in charge of our own feelings and reactions. We can start being more accepting of others habits or 'ways'. It is not always important that people work well with us. Situations would be better but not necessary. If we find it difficult to work with others then prayer can be an effective tool in doing so. We can put our burdens before God.
You can pray this prayer: Father God, in the name of Jesus, I am having a difficult time with loving (person's name). I ask for your help to work out this situation between us. I want to live in peace with (him, her, them). Amen.
Now let go and move on. Resolve in your mind that you will enjoy a good relationship or work environment. Show us and do your part. When time comes to interact with this person or these persons again, you can actually work with them and get a job done. Love people and forgive them. This is part of acceptance. Cope with your own bad feelings and develop good ones. Be happy in spite of situations. If you haven't already, develop positive attitudes to be used through out life. Resolving problems quickly can guard against the anger that turns into rage as it festers with in one's soul.
Tragedies Will Still Happen
We don't live in a dream world. No matter what I say, there will still be tragedies. Everyone doesn't want good will. The news broadcasts report horrific crimes done by angry people. Survivors of these crimes will have to find emotional wholeness in the aftermath of these actions of the criminal. Forgiveness by the victim toward the assailant may come slowly, but it must come.
Fear, hurt and anger is experienced after a crime is committed against someone. Recovering victims may suffer from delayed stress, panic attacks or other coping disorders. Look for worsening of chronicle illnesses or disorders too. Symptoms that appear after an attack can take up to 6 months after the event to manifest in a victim's life. Even a person in the best of health is effected negatively. At least 2 symptoms occur after an attack.
- Hyper vigilance - the victim is easily startled when someone enters a room. He notices the slightest noise or movement.
- Insomnia - the inability to fall asleep and have a peaceful night's rest. Nightmares occur as the victim relives what has already taken place.
These happen as a way to protect oneself from future harm. The imprint of what happens in our lives is recorded in the mind and neurological system of our bodies. This could be a reason why its hard to forgive and forget. The effects of an attack are felt physically not just emotionally, therefore affecting our whole life.
There are programs designed to help us to deal or cope with whatever is hurting us in life. The best thing a person can do is forgive who ever hurts them. I know if someone is disrespected to the point of it being a crime this can be hard to make peace with. Therapy can be ideal in helping us cope in such situations.
Many people who have been attacked and have dealt with or are dealing with life after an attack have used these experiences to make positive changes in the life of themselves and others. The victims are more likely to interact with others in a kinder way. They will treat others the way they wish to be treated. This makes a victim an overcomer.
Do the Work
Confronting ones own feelings after an attack goes a long way in resolving the emotional turmoil evident after being violated. Emotions felt at this time are this; a showing of our feelings about what has happened in our life. If there is a happy occasion, we usually experience or show positive emotions. If there is a negative experience we react in that way. Natural responses to being violated are hurt and anger. Recognize these in yourself and own these feelings. Don't pretend that the experience never happened or the feelings aren't there. Pretending can occur most often with those people who are violated in a more private way. Rape or incest for instance as well as other forms of domestic violence. The more public a violation the less chance of hiding from the truth. The Boston Marathon attack that took place Monday, April 16, 2013, is an example of a more public violation. The survivors, nor the nation can pretend that this event didn't happen. The more public a violation the less able you are to hide. The more private it is, the easier it is to hide.
Taking the time to realize that you have received pain from another 's actions can be hard to do when the hurt is so real. You got the pain part down pat. You entered into the private relationship looking for the best. You were in it for a good purpose. You were not looking forward to being used or abused. In the best relationships there are problems. These problems, however, are to be worked out. Those who cause intentional harm are not to be tolerated. Now comes the time to let go. In order to do this, ask yourself this. "Do I want more pain from this situation for the rest of my life?" The answer should be 'No'. Now it is inevitable that more pain will come in life, but experiencing the same kind of pain from that one experience or repeated experiences of the same type is not good. You have to do the work necessary to live a more productive life. Reliving the past will make life harder than it is and very meaningless. Forgiveness is the key. Strive for forgiveness and heal. You owe this to yourself.
Excellent sources on coping with violations
- FBI — Coping for Injured Survivors Handbook
Use information on what to expect after you have been attacked and what to do about it.
- Free Anger Management
Free anger management article where I have compiled a list of techniques to help control anger. Enjoy my free anger management advice. If you have any questions about anger management, leave me a comment below.
- Therapy for Trauma, PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
This is for people with severe issues surrounding an attack.
- Forgiveness Quotes and Sayings
Refer to these often as you practice forgiveness.