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Annual Check Up Time

Updated on October 29, 2014

You really expect this tough guy to go in for a colonoscopy.

In fact due to a history he gladly went. Sometimes being manly means doing manly things and sometimes that manly thing is to do what is necessary to stick around for those who count on you.
In fact due to a history he gladly went. Sometimes being manly means doing manly things and sometimes that manly thing is to do what is necessary to stick around for those who count on you. | Source

Grumpy old men need grumpy old physicals.

We cannot really be sure if it is a conspiracy to keep us alive longer or not. It seems as though the medical profession is in league with spouses to make us go to the doctor so we can stay alive so we have to go to the doctor more. Clearly it is not for our well being, Oh sure that might be a shortsighted by-product of the dastardly partnership but that is unavoidable. And watch out. Children will be recruited into this unholy alliance. They will sneak up on you and gang up and call you unexpectedly to get you to go. Be on your guard.

Now there may be other reasons to go get a physical. But they already told me on the recording device that if I was suffering a medical emergency to call 911. So I know this is not for a real health issue. It is just to get checked out. Hey I can check my own self out. I have checked out enough women I think I can check myself out. Oh yea and I use the self checkout at the grocery store too, I even have my own checking account, so I am more than competent in the check out department.

How come we do not have a Mental or a Spiritual or a Memory or a Sexual for that matter. We only have a "Physical". Hmm seems like more of the conspiracy to me, let us explore the evidence.

Let me explain this one to you. God loves you and He wants you well. So for God and I mean for God's sake go prolong your life and get a physical today! For tha

Do you believe my conspiracy theory?

Will you please go get a physical?

See results

Mental Examinations

Hey now if they really cared about us wouldn't they insist we go see a shrink? I mean they must know that they are driving us crazy, right? They must know that we must be out of our minds to put up with them, so why not a mental physical?

We could go in for 45 minutes, pay for an hour, and lay on a couch and whine. Who else do we whine at? Perhaps we could talk about how mean our mother was or how the economy is to blame for all our woes. Perhaps we could complain that if our spouse were just 30 years younger and a model that things would be better. Maybe we would complain that our adult children are not supporting us yet, or for that matter our teenage children and parents.

So as you can see if they really loved us they would get together and throw a party and do an intervention on us and make us get a mental physical. This is just another brick in the wall of my fabulous conspiracy theory. And it is proof that the psychological folks are not in on it. But just wait until this expose' gets out, they will jump on that band wagon.

This is where they send me to train for big hikes. Proof that they are trying to keep me alive.

If you can run this hill or carry a pack up it and then down it, you should not need no stinking physical.
If you can run this hill or carry a pack up it and then down it, you should not need no stinking physical. | Source

Spiritual Physical

Now why don't they want me to go to my spiritual adviser for a physical check up. Yep you guessed it. They do not want us all blissed out. Blissed out means no freaking out about making money and no 70 hour work weeks. All spiritual means less attention to the material. No they do not worry about that do they? Just think about it, I spend at least an hour a day in prayer and meditation just think if I spent two whole hours. And just think if the gal spent 30 minutes and starting seeing the beauty of peace and harmony and the healing power of certain foods and activities. Hey we may not need a physical physical at all.

Just stop and cogitate on this notion. Why is it called metaphysical? Perhaps we should get a meta physical. In all seriousness it is plain to see that the clergy and gurus are not in on this sophisticated plot to force us to get and stay well. Makes you wonder just who is keeping them out of the loop. Or just maybe they are the sneaky ones and they have their own group that is getting us to go to church or something once a week. Let us give that some secular ecclesiastical thought and then keep our eyes open for more proof.

They call him laughing Buddha because he never had to get a physical.

Well I reckon they really did not have physicals in his day, lucky dude!
Well I reckon they really did not have physicals in his day, lucky dude! | Source

I like the idea of a "physical" for our Memory.

Help me out on this one because I do not like the sound of it: Would a physical for memory be a "memorial" service? Well if it were maybe people would never get one and I could sympathize with that. On the other hand -- oops I forgot what I was going to say on this subject.

Oh yes now I remember. Memory from about age 50 on begins to fade into distant memories and a knack for forgetting recent matters like where we left our keys or making that doctor's appointment. (note here it is called a doctor's appointment and not a "my" appointment, more stuff to add to the conspiracy which I had forgotten all about) Well if we had memory check ups what would the charge us for for continuing care? Ah ha, see how that works we would even remember that we had the last physical only six months ago. And we would remember that we hate physicals and then remember not to cooperate. Just think how empowering it would be if we could remember how much was in that check we brought home to our spouse.

So there it is. Not even our kids want us to have better memories or we would guilt trip them into giving us more money for that...... dang I forgot what it was I wanted.

See these guys are in on it, they want us to buy their product. Hey by the way this looks interesting.

Sexual Physicals

I do not think so. Even if it meant we performed better at home there is no way that we could get one of these. But if they did I think we would all get follow up appointments. Well let us just leave this one to your own thoughts.

However I think the reason we do not get them is because the conspiracy participants are divided on the issues. They just can't come to a consensus on the matter. Some are pro and some are con and who wants sex therapists in a conspiracy anyway. We all know they cannot keep a secret.

The BOTTOM line.

Over fifty do not be the fool. Go and have them check out your stool. I no that is a crass slogan butt I want to get the point across. Colon cancer and stuff like it kills folks over fifty. Early detection and monitoring of our health can prevent most of it. Physicals can also lead to some good changes in our lives that can make them more enjoyable and longer. I like having gray hair, half my buddies do not have any at all. This author suffered from a stage four cancer that he barely got through. Had he had the good sense to have a check up and see a doctor routinely it would have been caught earlier and much grief spared for everyone involved, not to mention costs. So go get a check up so you won't check out prematurely. We love you and want you around for a good long time.

And to conclude on the conspiracy theory. I think we proved it here. The problem is we also proved that not all conspiracies are bad.

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    • bigj1969 profile image

      John Marshall 2 years ago from glasgow

      Wise words Ericdierker,we all need to be braver as men and not be daft,as the consequences could be critical.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

      You are right of course. It's been awhile for me. LOL The understatement of the year.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Thanks John, clearly I wrote this to build up my courage to get in there and see the doctor. What am I afraid of anyhow? -- everything ;-)

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Bill there are a lot of folks here who count on your wisdom and encouragement. You get in there and do what it takes to stay around for a long long time.

    • Perspycacious profile image

      Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      Another Hubber quoted a 90 year old as listing these stages of life: " The six stages of man are, "spills, thrills, bills, ills, pills, and wills." Pretty close, pretty close, and as I recall the Hubber was pretty, too!

    • Ericdierker profile image
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      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      I would say that that sums it up pretty well.

    • Dana Tate profile image

      Dana Tate 2 years ago from LOS ANGELES

      I hope I didn't stumble on this article as a divine message to make an appointment for a physical. It's funny but my family has been nagging me to go because I have been feeling "blah" (not sick, just not well.

    • ahorseback profile image

      ahorseback 2 years ago

      Eriic , You are one funny guy ! Yes .......god told me he conspires with wives frequently , they are out to get us!.LOL .....awesome message here .... Oh , been there done that !.........Ed

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Go Dana Go! Just Do It. Thanks for reading and I hope it brings you one step closer to getting it done.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Thank you much Ed. Conspiracies abound. My four year old just told me to get a haircut! Now he must be acting in concert with someone, next they will want me to exercise. LOL

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 2 years ago from southern USA

      Hee hee, I love your conspiracy theory here. You're the man, Eric. I am thrilled you did go through with it. I have already, and the worst part was drinking that mess the day before!

      Blessings

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      I hear you Faith I just despised that stuff. I hope making it a funny subject helped some read it who would otherwise just assume forget it.

    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 2 years ago from Home Sweet Home

      it is good to have yearly checkup just to make sure everything is ok

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Thanks Peachy for commenting here, it is so important and people need a nudge.

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